Letters to Lexi

4. Think

Dear Lexi,

People don't understand how much something they say can stick in your mind. I'm just a stupid little girl because I can't forget.

I mean, I still remember everything from M. Everything. That was the worst thing I have been through, but that's not why I'm so upset today.

I am almost over M, I rarely see him and he doesn't try to move closer than the arms distance I put him at. This has to do with someone else. I'm going to refer to him as Colton.

He's that smart guy and maybe a little smart alecky. He's the kind of guy I would want as my best guy friend. He would be interesting company to keep.

The problem. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm the worst. Scum of the earth kind of thing.

Let me start at the beginning. The first thing I remember hearing him say referring to me was in English 2 during a review game. Some of my friends were trying to get someone to pick me for a question because I didn't talk much.

And he says, "Don't pick her! She's smart." The next was probably when we were walking down first hall and ended up next to each other and he says, "Hey, Clara." And I replied, "Hey Colton."

He laughed a little and said, "I didn't think you would know my name." And I kind of laughed too. Those are pretty much the only conversations we have had outside of short during class.

Colton is the kind of guy to be more than a little sarcastic. And I am too, but never during school. That is always saved for my friends and siblings. I guess with him I forgot about that.

So, during class I would reply to his comments a little sarcasticly or smartly. He would always say something back but I never took it to heart blowing it off as him being Colton.

I shouldn't have started that. Two days ago he said something that hasn't really left my mind. It's not what he said really but more of the way he said it. It was something like, "You don't have to act like we are all stupid." (That's not exactly it but...)

That shocked me. The look in his eyes made me realize that I had been acting rude and smart alecky. I had acted like he was stupid. I had forgotten that we weren't friends. He didn't understand.

I can't explain how that has made me feel these last few days. Like a moron and a horrible person. Because that's not how I intended anything to be taken.

And I've decided to not make any comments to him. I don't want to worsen my reputation with him, so I would rather he think I'm horrible by ignoring him than by comments I've made.

So moral for today: think before you speak. Otherwise you might end of feeling as bad as I do.

That's all for now, Lex.

With love,
Cara