PARAPHERNALIA

Update 1: Sinister

I can't believe it happened again, as I was lying down on my bed one evening a few weeks ago. The blackouts are getting worse and worse day by day. It was the worst till date. I woke up, two blocks down my alley, covered in dirt, half stuck in a gutter. Can you even imagine my situation?
What is happening to me?!
Why does it keep happening to me?!
How do I deal with this?
Who do I talk to?
Who would listen to me and not think I am crazy?!

It has been happening ever since, frequently.
So, two nights ago, I decided to lock myself in, and record myself. It felt weird and hella scary. But I had to do it before it went too far. I bought some fancy equipments, placed everything in place.
It took a while to fall asleep that night, obviously, but I did, eventually.

Next morning, I woke up to my alarm, ringing loudly in my ears. I slept for eight hours, yet I felt exhausted. I brewed my coffee, black, no sugar, darker than my soul. It was time to check on myself, the me from last night, who normally should've been sleeping, still on the bed, but was he?
I took a sip and sat down at my work table. I turned on the monitor and assimilated the video files. I was hesitant to play them. But then again, who wouldn't be?

I paced back and forth a few times, emptied my mug of coffee, placed it on the kitchen sink. I sat down again, back straight up, tensed. It was time. I had to do it.
I crossed my fingers and played the first file. It was creepy to see myself being taped, while sleeping. It went on like that for the first two hours, me shifting around, pulling on the blanket and then pushing it away. I put it on fast forward, skipping the useless bits, hoping my best for the rest of it to be the same. 'Hoping my best' huh!

Then suddenly the figure got up. The first and the only question that came to my mind, who is he?
Because that wasn't me.
Surely, it looked like me but in no way was that me. Its sinister smile would be giving me nightmares for years to come.
What is it?
Being the coward that I was, I stopped watching. I couldn't. I deleted the files permanently, boxed away the recording equipments. I was still shivering in my pyjamas. I was already late for work, but who cares!?

I am being haunted. I am being possessed.
What do I do?
What can I do?
Who do I tell?
I was scared shitless.
I have had lived in the same house for the last seven years without a problem. I have owned a small bakery down the alley for the last three years without any problem.
Why now?
Why is it happening now?
Nothing changed. Work was fine. Everything was fine. I was happy.
Speaking of which, I couldn't miss work. I would get drowned in my own dark thoughts which was a horrible place to be. I got dressed and left for work as fast as I could, with my heart still racing but the goosebumps slowly subsiding.

Baking has always successfully helped me keep my mind off things. I love baking very much, but not today. My mind was stuck on the being staring at the camera, wearing my face, smiling like it knew; it knew my deepest darkest secrets. I wanted to scrape the skin off my face whenever I looked at myself in the mirror that day.
I messed up some pastries and cookies. My employees got annoyed and insisted that I go back home and take rest. I resisted but they wouldn't allow me back in the kitchen. After a while, I gave up. I was afraid of going back home, falling asleep and waking up a monster. I wandered the streets.

I entered a nice small cafe and ordered black coffee, no sugar. I needed it a lot after the day's events. I sat alone at the counter and contemplated.
What am I going to do next?
Who do I ask for help?
Who can even help a monster like me?
I sipped on the piping hot coffee and looked around. The cafe was mostly empty during the afternoon hours. I picked up the newspaper and started reading, which I forgot to do in the morning.
I came across an ad for bedside restraints to control night terrors. It seemed like a good idea. I hurried out.

I bought the restraints and two bottles of sleeping pills. It's amazing how some under the counter bribe can manage to turn any prescription drug over the counter. I hoped that I didn't have to resort to that yet. I set up the restraints and the video recording equipments again. I had to do it, by myself. I gathered all my strength and went to bed. I restrained myself tightly and lay down. I was afraid of closing my eyes, but can I even be blamed?

This morning, I am sitting at my desk. I watched the entire eight hours footage bravely. The monster indeed woke up at night without fail. It stared at the camera for a few minutes, then at the restraints and snarled at me. It almost knocked me out of my seat.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't live with this inside me.
I can't ever close my eyes again and look at myself in the mirror.
This ends here and now.
I am sorry for doing this, but I have to. You understand, right?
This coward is going to take matters in his own hands and solve his problems.
No one is going to get hurt because of me, not even me.
No one is going to miss this ugly monster.

I hope they understand why I'm doing it. I have to make it right.
Goodbye.