PARAPHERNALIA

Update 2: Ultimatum

I have always tried to live up to the expectations placed on me. It's true that sometimes it can get very stressful. But at the end, it is fruitful, one way or another. It gives me great joy and sense of satisfaction to think of myself as an accomplished individual. I have lived my entire life basing it on the wishes of my aging parents. I have never regretted my decision until today.

Today was the worst day of my life, that's including the one where I had my tooth knocked out by my younger cousin at my older cousin's wedding or the day I almost died drowning in the public summer pool.
Yes!
Today, my parents threatened to disown me.
Yes! You heard me!
They dared to threaten me!
Oh! You must be thinking it was something I did, right?
Huh! Yeah, it was.
But wait, hear me out.
I admitted to them that I was gay!

You must be wondering that's it?! It's nothing to be ashamed of, in today's society and I am probably hiding something else. Right?
No! I'm not! Trust me, okay?

My parents have stopped talking to me entirely. They refuse to acknowledge my existence.
How big of a crime have I committed?
I can't stop feeling guilty about my sexuality.
Why can't I be straight, like my best friend?
Or at least be bisexual?
Why did I have to be gay?
Why did I have to come out to them?!
Who was the bastard that told me to?

A shadow came to my door, right now, stood outside without knocking. I thought that my parents were finally ready to talk to me like the mature adults they were supposed to be. But alas, the shadow turned away and walked down the stairs. It was most probably my mother.
I know from her footsteps, years of practice.
She is a kind and gentle lady and I have a feeling that she understands me better. I am hoping the cold war ends soon. I can't take it anymore.

Ten days later...
Unfortunately, I was wrong. I was hoping for it to end, but it didn't. I kept working on making them proud and happy like I always do. I put down insane amounts of hard work and study hours. My literal blood and sweat went into my school notes and club activities. I was hoping they would see that. I am more than my sexuality.

I don't even have a girlfriend! Then why did I have to tell my parents I am gay?!
Am I that crazy?
What did I expect from them? A trophy and a congratulations?!
I was terribly regretting that moment of my life, that instant, that tiny spark of bravery which led to the confession.
Maybe I should have kept it from my parents, right?

Mom, please talk to me! Ask me how my day at school was!
Dad, please scold me! Tell me to eat healthier!
Mom! Dad! Why is the dinner table so quiet? It's been 15 days already! Come on guys! You can't be serious!

Day 20
I give up. I have stopped studying entirely. I have started slacking in class. At first, it was very awkward.
Then I got the hang of it. And then I started liking it. I felt free. I engaged in after school activities with my friends. They were shocked to see someone as uptight as me joining them. They welcomed me, any excuse to destroy a good girl's reputation. I had the best of my time. We went to karaoke, and I sang to my heart's content. Phew! What a day!

I reached home around 10pm. I slowly reached for the front door and turned the knob. It was open. I slowly made my way in. The light was turned on and my parents were waiting at the living room. Both looked super annoyed. Their good, smart, daughter partying out till late in the night. That's never happened before!
But guess what, Mom and Dad, you guys haven't ever been this stubborn either! I don't understand what the hell is wrong with being gay. Please explain it to me!

That night, my parents did talk to me. I was thrilled to be able to grab their attention. They weren't so thrilled about it. The words they spoke blurred out in the context, but those were important. Turns out, I have got an ultimatum now: a week to leave their house.
.
This kind of vulgar behaviour is not allowed in their house.
.
What have I done so wrong?
I just had some fun with some people who accepted me wholly for who I really am. They did not discriminate, they did not bully, they did not judge.
Then why was it wrong?
They stood up and left. My father went straight to their bedroom, to sleep, while my mother waited behind a little. I was hoping she had something better to say. I looked at her and recognised her hesitation.
I waited. I waited some more. She timidly turned back and followed my father and closed the door behind her.
My heart sank to the bottom. I sat there, staring into the abyss. I slept on the couch upright.

Next morning was the same as usual, pre-party post-confession atmosphere. My mother slid me some breakfast on the table silently. I wasn't hungry. I left for my room. I did not feel like doing anything. I missed my old routine where I had so little free time yet I felt satisfied every second of it. I can't go on like this. For the first time in my life, I truly felt alone. The loneliness scared me. I gazed upon the scissors lying in my art and craft box and something took over me. This is it.

So, yes, Mom, Dad, honouring your ultimatum, I will finally be leaving your house, hopefully for a better place. I sincerely hope that this finally gives you back the peace you had lost because of your disobedient daughter. Goodbye.