The Baker And The Queen Pin

21.) Family

I sit and go through the photos with my daughter, looking at little photos of Booker and her. She was always a thumb-sucker and she loved to do it but we had to break her out of it or she would mess her teeth up. I would encourage her to do it sometimes, people needed a way to cope and I knew my daughter needed a way to cope. She then hugs me and gets close to me, 'Dad, I'm sorry,' I remind her that it's okay, she did what she could do but some part of her was very upset about it, upset that she made a choice and that I had no choice but to be okay.

'Dad, I know this hurt you,' "Yes it did hurt but you and your brother are almost on your way to being adults. I'm glad that you are both learning," I say, trying to be proud. The problem is that I've been hurt and looking at it, I didn't think I would feel such a pain in my heart. I didn't think I would feel it so deep in my heart but I knew why. They made their choices and I never want them to think it's their fault but as a father, I am a bit disappointed in how they could easily choose to be with their mother. Almost as if everything I had done for them was unacknowledged, sometimes being a parent is a thankless job. My job as a parent is to make sure they don't make any larger mistakes like the mistakes that I made.

My daughter begins to cry in my arms as she then says, 'Dad, I've made a lot of bad choices. Dad, I did a lot of bad things.' "What do you mean?" I say to her. She then starts to tear up as she says, 'I knew Mom was cheating on you a long time ago and I said nothing,' I don't know what happened at that moment but I felt anger overflow. "What?" I say in a questioning tone. 'I knew Mom was cheating on you, Dad. I knew it and I said nothing,' she said in a sad voice.

My heart began to break as I knew this was the truth that she was saying. 'I thought you hated Mom,' she began to keep speaking. I didn't want to hear any of this but she kept going, almost as if knowing I would have still questioned everything. 'I knew how much it hurts you to see her cheat so I said nothing,' I don't know what happened at that moment but I felt more anger in my heart than I think I've ever felt. It was a betrayal but I couldn't be that angry with her. I couldn't be angry with her because I know this was a lot for her, I had to push my emotion away. If she saw how badly this hurt me, would she even be able to forgive herself?

I pushed the pain to the back of my mind as I listened, 'I knew she was cheating on you but I said nothing because she told us you beat her while we were at school. She told us you were a horrible man who was forcing her to stay,' It was then that I lost my composure as I started crying. "I've done nothing but love you," I say, calmly. "I've done but try and be a dad to you all," 'I'm sorry Daddy, I'm sorry,' she says as she starts crying.

'I know how badly this hurts you but I know that you're not a bad man,' It's then that I felt complete malice come out of me that I've never felt before as I looked at her and I said, "I'm sorry but I have to go," She started holding me, saying 'Dad, could you at least say you forgive me? Can you tell me I'm a good girl?' That was the first time in years she asked me that, I thought she would be too old to ask but I could tell something in her realized how angry I was, something in her knew I couldn't lie this feeling away.

'Daddy, please talk to me,' I stand up as I say, "I love you. I really do,' Her eyes say it all, she realized how badly she hurt me, she realized how badly this could have changed our dynamic. She then says, 'If you want me to go back to my mother's, I will,' I take a deep breath as I realize that she'd only be putting herself through hell and I say to her, "I couldn't send you back to her. No matter how much pain I'm in, I refuse to send you to someone who would just hurt you more. I just need some time," 'Thanks Dad,' she says to me, 'I love you,' and I say it with a soft heart, 'I love you,' back. Some part of me knew I could never not love my children but the pain my daughter has caused me is something I won't be able to fully understand.

As I get ready to go to my room, I call Maria. I hear her sweet voice as she says, 'Hello my love,' and then for a few moments, I allow myself to ignore the problem, to ignore the pain in my heart. To ignore it and pretend I'm not in pain. "Hey Maria," I say with an exhausted voice. 'You sound sick. What's wrong?' "Just a little under the weather," I say to her. 'You? Under the weather? You're as strong as an ox the last time I checked,' I smile and say, "Really now? When am I gonna see you?" I say to her.

She smiles and says, 'Whenever you want,' It's then that I say, "Well I need you now," She says, 'So, something is wrong?' I take a deep breath and say, "Yes. You know me so well but I think I should be more honest with you since you're almost always honest with me and you haven't lied to me since you met me," There's a moment of hesitation before she says, 'I wouldn't say that. I just believe we haven't talked a lot about other things,' It's then that I say, "All the more reason why I would rather talk to you. You haven't had time to lie to me and you're someone very important to me. Can I see you tonight if it's possible?" I say, trying not to sound needy but I know it's too much to avoid.

~~~Maria

I sit in front of Kevin, trying to process what I'm going through, trying to process what he's done. "How long have you been stealing from me, Kevin?" He sits there on his knees while I have a gun on his head. He takes a deep breath as he says, 'Longer than I want to say,' The betrayal I felt in my chest let me know how angry I could get as he then says, 'You can kill me but I want you to know I made this choice because I had no choice,'

"You had plenty of choices, you just chose the worst one," I say to him. 'The worst one?' he says. 'I know what kind of woman you are even if you don't know. You're a killer, you have no problems killing anyone who has betrayed you,' I hear his voice and all I can think about how easy it would be to get rid of his body, how many lies would I have to tell so he stays buried and at that moment conceding the worst thing I could do to him, someone calls.

Instead of me ignoring it like I normally would, I felt the need to answer it. I saw who it was and I realize I didn't want to ignore it. Even in this situation, I didn't want to ignore it. I look at Kevin as I then let him know that if you talk, I squeeze. He sits there quietly and we have a conversation, I realized how much Booker loved me and how much I loved him. I hang up the phone and I look at Kevin, "You won't steal from me again, will you?"

He looks at me and his eyes say the truth. He won't, he didn't give me a reason why he stole everything but I could tell you it was something related. I couldn't trust that, I had to find a way to neutralize him later but doing it now wouldn't help. I keep the gun trained on Kevin as he realized how serious I was. He then says, 'I'll pay for this one day, won't I?' I smile and say, "Sooner than you think. Until then, I'll give you time to think about it,' He takes a second and realizes what I'm about to do.

I put the gun next to his shoulder and I pull the trigger. He starts yelling out in pain as I tell him, "You cost me over 200,000 dollars and next time you decide to steal from me, remember I will kill your family,' He screams in pain and he then says, 'I know I know but I did this for my family," and that's when the shock hit me. Kevin had a family and he never told me.

End of Chapter 21: Family