groupie; afi

thirty five

I'm going to talk to Calum today. I've made up my mind. I don't like going around without him being there with me. I can't believe that I let it all get this far. Everything was going good until I had to mess it up.

Around lunchtime, I make my way through the bus to find Calum. Hopefully he's alone.

Luckily, there he is in the kitchen. Making himself some type of smoothie. I walk up to him as he pours the drink into his cup. Calum looks over at me and sighs.

Calum grabs the cup and tries to shuffle past me to leave the area.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I grab onto his arm, forcing Calum to turn back to me.

"I figured the best way for me to lose feelings for you was to stay away from you. You know, since you and Ashton are getting back together," Calum says. His expression is cold.

"Calum, what are you talking about? I never said Ash and I are getting back together," My voice is soft. He obviously knows something I don't.

"He hasn't told you yet? I won't be the one to spoil it but it's gonna happen," Calum crosses his arms.

"I have no idea what you're talking about but that doesn't explain why you're mad at me. I haven't said anything about Ashton and I," I cross my arms as well.

"Natalie, I'm not a second option. I'm not just gonna wait for you to make up your mind on who you want. It's so clear that you never stopped loving Ashton. After all, you never stopped sleeping with him this entire time. I should've seen it. I shouldn't have kissed you. I should've seen how it would play out," Calum's voice raises. I can hear the pain coming though his tone.

"I didn't mean for you to feel that way. I promise it wasn't my intention. And I really do like you. It's just not the same," I quiet down, trying to make the situation calmer.

"I know it isn't the same. I was just some toy for you to play with while you and Ashton figured out what was going on. You know, if I didn't like you so much, I would go back to how I was when I met you. But I cant. I care about you too much to do that again," He says.

I don't know how to respond. I'm so far in the wrong that there isn't anything I can do except apologize and try to explain my side.

But I don't know how to explain my side. I didn't mean to get caught up in this. It just happened.

"Cal, I'm sorry. I know it was wrong and I never meant to hurt you," I say. I sound like a broken record.

Calum stands there, staring at me. I know he wants to say more but he doesn't. It remains quiet between us. There isn't much else to say.

"Natalie, go to Ashton. Get back together with him. It'll be best if you do," Calum says before walking off.

I stand there, watching him walk away. I know Calum probably just needs space right now but I can't help but want to run over to him and hug him. It's my fault this happened.

I go back to my room, passing the other boys as I walk through. I can hear them mumbling but I don't care to try and pick out what they say.

I crash onto the bed. My eyes close but not to fall asleep, they close to try and imagine myself somewhere different. Somewhere peaceful. My moms arms is the first place that my mind wonders to. Her vanilla scent and her soft sweaters were so comforting. She would sing as she held me, gently rocking back and forth to soothe me. I miss that feeling.

I hear the door creek open so I open my eyes only a little. It's Luke. He gently lets himself in and walks over to me.

"Hey, I wanted to see you. You seemed pretty upset," He says.

Luke sits down beside me. He reaches over to rub my back and out of habit from when Vivian was the one comforting me, I move over and rest my head in his lap.

"I'm fine. It's Calum that I'm worried about," I say, looking up at him.

"I know. He's just going through a lot right now but I promise that he will get over it," Luke says, his hand caressing my cheek.

"It's my fault he's upset. I made him think we were getting together and I guess Ashton must've said he was going to try to ask me out again so Calum got hurt," I'm starting to get choked up but I hold it in.

"Yeah, Ashton did. But there wasn't any bad intentions on Ashton's end. Ashton didn't know about you and Calum flirting or whatever was going on there," Luke speaks softly.

"I guess. I just wish things went differently, you know?" I ask him. I take his hand and begin fiddling with his fingers.

"I know," Luke sighs, "I know you do."

Luke and I continue to hang out in there, just the two of us. I eventually feel fine enough to lift myself off his lap and stretch my arms out.

Luke brings up some things like music or board games to keep my mind off of what's going on around me. He's quite the distraction.

The only thing that is giving the rest of this week a positive outlook is whatever Ashton had planned for us. I have a strong feeling he's going to ask me back out again.

I want to say yes, I really do. Then I think about Calum seeing Ashton and I together and I break. I only have a day to make up my mind.

I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

____
authors note

ok i've decided, michael book is coming out, probably tomorrow. only bc i'm KINDA loosing motivation for this one (like i love it but i just am not sure exactly what else i could really do?)

that being said, i'm thinking of maybe a sequel to this book after the michael one. is that something you guys would be interested in? it would have things like: paps, award shows, more viv & michael, drama, maybe luke will get that gf he's been hinting at

there's gonna be a few more chapters, don't worry, but i can feel the end coming <3