The Flyer

Misunderstood 02

When she said that she was tired, she meant she was exhausted. When she said that she was happy, she meant she was content. When she said she was disappointed, she meant she wanted something to change but she didn't know what or didn't want to say so.

If she said she loves you, she meant don't leave.

Don't leave.

She didn't believe in family always being together. She never experienced having a complete family before.

Those people who have been with her for a while, she was thankful, for because she felt like they stayed because they were meant to be a part of her life. Whether or not they were kind or nice or her friends, she was thankful she got to know them.

She was thankful they showed up in person...

Unlike her mother.

For a child it was a very grievous thing to not have a parent around, but for her, she simply deduced she wasn't important enough a person to be seen by her mother.

No one knew this.

So for her, people who appear in her life are important and those who didn't were either unimportant, were too important, or in another world to find her important enough to see.

Sometimes people wonder why she's even trying to do what she wants to if no one even understood her, and yet, no one dared say a word to her-- not with her brother around.

And yet, they listen.

She developed a love for cheerleading but was criticized as an airhead.

She was seen as an airhead so she was looked down upon.

It seemed to her that no matter how high you are in the social hierarchy, people will still look down on you.

When she was younger she got fascinated with a thermometer given to her by the hospital after she was discharged. Her brother wondered why she seemed to be so enamored with something she was supposed to be wary of, but she insisted that she wanted to keep it for a while.

Her brother thought it was so strange but he shrugged it off as childish curiosity.

She hung onto it like it was her lifeline.

If she was going to be one without family, she might as well feel free to become who she wants-- a job where she can feel and witness the love she wants so badly.  The love she never sees because her mother and siblings are away, the love she never sees because her father is too busy stabilizing their future, and the love she doesn't see because her brother is too busy working hard and worrying.

Hospitals are filled with loved ones encouraging and caring for their injured or sick loved ones. Does she have to be sick or injured to be loved too?

Maybe if she at l;east surrounded herself with that love, she wouldn't feel so unwanted.

She read once, in one of the books her mother had left for her, of a girl who was so afraid of making mistakes that she left so her loved ones wouldn't feel upset. She felt the opposite. She wanted her loved ones to see as many of her mistakes as they can and show that they have at least as much interest as she has for them.

Years passed and she wanted to become a chemist. Someone who could manufacture, produce, and even distribute safe products for society. Her dream is to make make-up products that can make a person glow and become healthier. For example, eyeshadow that contained vitamin A that can be absorbed by the skin. Lipgloss that contains vitamin C. It seems far-fetched, but she didn't find anything wrong with it.

At this point, she wanted to create more universal medicines that help people get better without having to worry about the prices and the side effects. She did think that it should exist already if it were possible, but then again, even if it's difficult, maybe there's a way to improve the industry towards that direction still.

Of course she would have to study first. With everything going on, she didn't even have time to think about what others thought of her, but she knew that whether or not she reveals her dreams, nothing was going to change.

Her family still won't be there for her. 

Her brother would have his own career.

Her father would just probably give her some money at most.

Her mother and siblings... probably won't even know.

She grew up as a cheerleader, but she had no family to truly cheer for her as wholeheartedly as she cheers for others.

Her friends... she didn't want to bother them, and she never told them her true thoughts. They didn't know what she felt. She didn't want to burden them when she wanted to be there so they would have a reliable friend.

If she told them her thoughts, she will be the one who has to rely on them instead because her friends were like that.

They would drop everything if she needed them.

She looks at the  chest she had to care for. For a little sister she wasn't allowed to meet, they sure make her care too much for her. If her sister was  lost, maybe she should stay lost. She was sure that her sister wasn't in danger anyway. Also, her sister who doesn't exist in her life, gets all the benefits for being the youngest one in the family while she who was always just there is only neglected. Is that even fair?

For the first time in her life, she felt anger. Anger at her family, anger at her mother's family, anger at her youngest sister.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't...

But she knew she didn't get to decide what was fair, and she knew that she has much more to be thankful for than complain about.

But this injustice...

Was this the same injustice that generation to generation after her must face? On what basis was her sister chosen to be special? On what basis was she given high expectations?

For the first time in her memory, her mind was full and conflicted with rage and she sobbed herself to sleep with no concluding thought.