The Flyer

CHAPTER 30

Cc: My Thoughts

VALYRA.

More than anything, I had hoped to prove myself to others, but I failed to do just that.

Why?

Not because we didn't win, because we definitely did, but because I felt like such a jerk. It hit me that I was too expectant and proud of what I could do and achieve, that I get too caught up in my thoughts and feelings without considering those of others.

I was selfish. Arrogant.

It felt like everything I worked for just didn't make sense anymore. I felt like I was no longer proud of many of the things I had accomplished in life.

Instead of feeling like a sore loser, I just felt empty. 

In my mind, things were always up to me because I had no choice, because I was a poor kid whose parents left her. I was a kid who didn't have anyone but my brother to rely on, and because I didn't want to burden him, I eventually stopped relying on him too. I felt like my friends were too good to be true, so I didn't show them my insecurities so that I'd always seem like a worthy person to them.

I looked dejectedly at the floor.

I can't always choose what happens in my life.

After the ecstasy from our win earlier, this whole situation just felt like such a heavy crash that I couldn't control my outburst. 

My parents were looking at me with heavy disappointment in their eyes.

"Why would you say that?" Dad asked calmly, but I wanted to get angry. What right did he have to discipline me when he was barely even present in my life?

Vanilla and Nat looked at the three of us with wide and slightly scared eyes. Nat squeezed Vanilla's arm in an attempt to comfort her and gave me a worried look.

I didn't want to say anything because I was too ashamed, and what made me feel even worse was that I wouldn't have been having, or at least I would have stopped saying or thinking, any of those demeaning and hatred-filled thoughts if I had already known that it was Vanilla after I met her.

"NO, NOT HER!"

That's what I had shouted out---not because I didn't want Vanilla to be my sister, but because I didn't want to have thought bad thoughts about her. It made me feel like trash having found out that I had been complaining about Vanilla whom I am already acquainted with and currently adore, so I was hoping it would be someone I didn't already know or like. That way, I didn't have to care.

My dad continued to stare at me with curiosity and slight disappointment. "Why would you say that, Valyra?"

I opened and closed my mouth. What do I say to that?

You know what? I'm Valyra and I can take charge of my life. I don't need anyone making me feel at a loss.  

"Can we talk about this in private?"

"This is private enough. Family is private." He denied my request.

Fine.

I clenched my fist to control myself from shouting at him. "This family isn't private to me. You don't even know me personally. You're all strangers. How is it private if strangers are watching and listening in?"

"It's private if it concerns these strangers." 

Ahh, mother.

Okay, I'll do you a favor just this once.

"FINE. I said that because frankly, I didn't want to have a younger sister. This whole thing about having to protect her and whatever? This whole thing is a fiasco I absolutely hate to have been a part of. "

I was internally seething, but I know that, as usual, my face and even my actions look cool about it.

"You know why?"

Of course they don't. I laughed to myself in my head.

Nothing. I currently smell nothing.

I went on.

"Because you spent more time on searching this supposed sister than you did on me my whole life. I had an inkling it would be Vanilla, because I met her earlier, but I didn't want it to be her because I'd hate to be thinking bad thoughts about her because of how differently you treat us."

Tears just escaped my eyes without even so much as a sob or a hiccup, like a leaking faucet.

"This is your fault," I angrily stated. "Both of yours. You should know that."

I sensed someone move a little--elegant movements, unfamiliar, but not quite strange.

Mother.

"We don't control the thoughts and actions you make, Valyra. We wouldn't know them either. We would have been willing to give you anything you wanted within reason, whether it was material, affection, or time. You never said anything."

I looked up at her. Her face was devoid of enotion, but not stony. Like she was full of emotion but good at controlling how much they would show.

"Why would I ask people who aren't around for anything? Don't act like you don't know that your parenting influences us as people."

"Your mom is trying her best, Valyra."

I scoffed. "Trying her best for what? For Nat and Vanilla, right? And you?"

I turned my gaze sharply towards my father.

"You're trying your best for Nic. I get it. Thanks." I looked at them with a hard glare and stormed out of the house.

"Woah!" A familiar voice exclaimed in shock after I almost ran into him.

Alex.

He must be having his early night jog right now.

I looked up at him, and he hugged me. I must look so pitiful.

"Do you wanna go to mine? Mom made some soup. Then we can take Max along to skateboard at the abandoned lot."

I smiled at him thankfully and nodded and we walked to theirs while he talked and talked with a calm, engaging voice.

"Valyra, sweetie, hey!" Olivia, Mrs. Prince, greeted cheerily. "Been a while."

I smiled instinctively.

I already felt so much better.