The Flyer

CHAPTER 27

Cc: A while is too long, yet has arrived so quickly.

VALYRA.

We won-- not by much, but we won.

The girls and I, on the other hand, weren't able to do so well because of me. I kept losing balance and my saves weren't very creative. It was embarrassing.

The girls just told me that we could do better next time and that it was fine, but even though they said that, I couldn't accept it and I took a long while moping at home. 

I'm not someone who's easily rattled but lately... I can't help but feel annoyed that I didn't know as much as I thought I did. The thought of me not knowing what's going on, combined with the thought of the little sister who's oh-so important, is making me question how much I am in control of my life.

That's the one good thing I got from my parents being extremely terrible with their attendance. I got to control my life-- join what I wanted, study however I wanted and whenever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, and be friend with whoever I wanted. Now it's just... that control I was given no longer feels enough to compensate for the absence they made.

This whole thing made me look like a fool doing the one thing I'm extremely confident at.

The second match was a little better, but I wasn't any better. I wasn't even good at the practices. The boys lost, though, but they said it was a good thing because the boys finally got the pattern of the rival team. Whatever they say.

The girls decided to surprise me afterwards and took me to the mall to celebrate. I almost teared up, but of course, I didn't because I was more upset at myself than touched from what they did.

I felt terrible about it, but I couldn't help myself.

Years of cheerleading... So stupid of me. Years of cheerleading and I had nothing, no professionalism or even skill or an ounce of enthusiasm to show for it.

"Hey!"

Kat was looking at me with her stoic face, but a bit of worry was floating somewhere in her look.

"What's going on?"

The other girls were playing in the arcade and we were the ones looking after our things. She doesn't play, and I'm not in the mood.

"Nothing."

She scoffed. "It's not nothing. You started off as this leader who's so active and in charge, and now you're just directionless. Like you're here, but not."

I frowned, but I'm not focusing on her words. I'm thinking about how to approach my family to clear my mind.

Kat gave up talking to me when she realized I'm not really listening to her, and I apologized to her, but explained that my mind was occupied with something that's been bugging me.

"We can try to help you, if you want."

Yes. Thanks, Kat, but I'll deal with this myself.

The girls gave me hugs, comfort, and little gifts like an order of coffee, a box of pastries, a bag of fresh bread, and such. I went home hands full.

I finished the coffee and a piece of bread and contemplated as I have been doing for the past days. What a stupid thing to do, to waste my time like this over someone I hate.

What would my friends have done?

Ahh...

I don't want to think about it. I'm not my friends, and my friends are not me.

I checked my stuff and rechecked the letter Mother sent me. Has she mentioned anything about the little sister?

Not in the first... Not in the second... Nothing...

More tearful, I felt frustrated, and I went to bed with a heated mind.

The next few days went by the same way, although I tried harder to be more present during practice. Kat ended up helping me lead, and we were able to get everything right. Everything except for my spin.

I have a spin where I'm propped up by Jess and Annie, and I bend backwards dramatically while spinning on a toe, my other knee up and that foot behind my other knee, my head thrown backwards. I spin without falling, but my form is nowhere near beautiful.

Such a pain.

I don't want to be the one to cause downfall to my team, to my school.

When I woke up, I thankfully wasn't aware enough to feel bad about myself, and I am able to go through my morning routines efficiently.

This particular morning rattled me. Dad and someone in the kitchen were talking lowly. Dad and I met gazes, but I put a finger to my lips because I wasn't in the mood to entertain guests. He gave me a curt nod to acknowledge and went back to paying attention to his companion.

He doesn't even know where I'm off to. I rolled my eyes.

It was a woman, dressed like some detective or something. Stupid choice of outfit really. She was wearing some sort of a trench coat and long pants, seemingly unaware or indifferent that it was currently summer here.

I rolled my eyes for the second time.

Moving on to the more important highlight note of today, it was crucial that I do not mess up because this is our last tournament. After a bit of roll call and some chatting, which was mostly amongst the others, we were finally in the bus.

The smell of the air conditioning was giving me chills and anxiety, so I decided to sit alone in front, behind our coaches and beside the box of water bottles.

Simce the rival team won last time, the competition will be in Olympia High, which was about an hour away. Not so far, but considering the slight traffic as well, and our planned quick breakfast stop, we were going to take longer than we should.

If you ask me, it might be quite a disadvantage since we haven't practiced on their court, but the guys won't be daunted anyway.

Let's hope I don't mess up again this time.