green eyes in the dark

Chapter 13

After my grandmother died, I'd go to her house almost every night when I couldn't sleep. I could fall asleep in her bed. I'd talk about my day, how everything felt without her. Her room, with the wall paper covered in blue and purple flowers, yellow stripes under them, with the cracking floor every time you'd make a step forward. I never touched or moved anything, I wanted to keep the life she lived in that house intact. As if she had stayed with me. One night I came to sleep in her bed, just to feel her presence again, but I never entered. For sale. It was written on a big sign, right in front of the house, hiding the roses my grandmother had spent the end of her life taking care of. I couldn't believe it, this was my house now. She gave it to me. I stayed there until the sun came, having no idea how to react.

I feel like I've been following Green for so long, the more it goes the more I get cold. I'm freezing, almost not able to feel my toes anymore. It's one of the rare moments where I miss having hair long enough to cover my ears and neck a minimum. I still like my hair, I like feeling like myself. We haven't spoken at all since we started going and I kind of like this silence between us. At least Green is here, with me. I don't want to break the silence but I must know where we're heading, I'm shaking from the cold and feel like my knees could give up on me at any moment. My mouth is frozen, I almost can't speak.

- Hey, hum, Green, where are we, hum, where are we going?

Green turns around looking at me. It seems to not have seen how cold I am yet. I see now the worry in its eyes. I want to tell myself I'm fine, but I'm not too sure I am either. So I keep quiet.

- We're getting there soon.

The monotonous voice. It turned its emotions off. I wonder why. I wonder what it would have done with its emotions turned on about the fact that I'm freezing to death right now.Weirdly, I'm sweating. It must have been a while since we left the last spot, but this tunnel can't be this big. Or Green was gone for so long that I went this far all by myself. The sweat is probably one of the factors to why I'm this cold. The only thing I know for sure is that I can't wait to be there.

We turn the 79th corner and there it is. The ladder that goes to Green's house. Right next to it, is a bed. Not just a small one. A huge bed, full of blankets, a whole lot of pillows and cushions, black curtains. Green next to me is quet as never, probably waiting for my reaction. I turn to face it. I can see it turned on its emotions. That might explain why it turned them off earlier, it didn't want to spoil me the surprise.

- Is this for me? Like all of this?

I spread my arms at the bed. It smiles at me with its eyes. I'm guessing this means yes, but it still says it out loud.

- Yeah. Plus, if you're too cold to sleep in this one, or if you want to see the sun a little, I rearranged the house for you, so you are welcome to go to it at any time, Sid.

At the sound of my name, I can't help myself to smile. Green is the first person, if I could say Green is a person, to have used my new name unironically, not using it as a surname. The first person since grandma. I take a look back at the bed, it looks so comfortable, and so hot. I run and almost jump in it. The blankets are already heating me. I look at Green, it's still looking at me. The smile hasn't left its eyes. Its green eyes.

- Do you know how beautiful your eyes are?

Its stare goes from me to the ground in one second. Mine too. The words fell out of my mouth, too fast for me to catch them. It doesn't answer, but I'm guessing it knows that. My mind goes back to the bed, I don't like the uncomfortable silence what I just said created. I try not to drown under the weight of all the blankets combined. Green brakes the silence first.

- I also found this in the woods. I'm guessing it's yours since I haven't seen or heard anyone in months before you got here.

- My phone.

I care more about the fact that it's holding my phone than about the fact that Green looks human now. My case is pink, covered in glitters and mud because it was on the ground for so long. I hated it at the time, I was hiding behind it. I still hate it too much memories.

- Yeah, I found it in the middle of the woods when you... I... us... when we weren't talking. I think I spent four hours trying to find it. It's not like I really had any other thing to do though.

- Well, thank you, but I don't think I should use it. I don't really want people to find me. Plus, I'm not sure I want to use it at all, I'd probably start to cry just by turning it on.

I chuckle at my own words. I would probably actually cry if I saw anything from the past, but I don't say it out loud.

- Hum, I could get you a new phone less dirty... and pink. Actually, could you please tell me, why pink? Of all colors, you had to choose pink. I'm not judging, but it really doesn't suit you.

I think about this longer than intended, distracted by Green's overreaction. I say that reluctantly.

- It suits the old me. It suited what I really wanted to reflect to people. 

- But why?

- 'cause I was scared, I guess. You know what it feels like now, don't you?

I shouldn't have said that, but it got under my skin. I hide my face under the covers, it feels so good to be less cold than five minutes ago. I breathe into the pillow and then I feel its weight on the bed. I take the covers out of my face so I can take a look at what just sat on the bed. I know it is Green, but I haven't been great at trusting lately. It doesn't answer what I guess was a question, but speaks again.

- You like it? The bed.

- Well, yes. It's like my dream bed. Always been ashamed of it, but I really like this kind of bed. It's pretty comfortable. Fun to sleep in.

- That's what it's here for.

A white tooth smile is staring at me with its Green eyes. This time, Green is young. Blond shoulder length hair, short, freckles all over its nose, long lashes, tiny little hands, long legs. It is wearing a skirt and a jacket over a grey t-shirt... and no shoes or socks on. I laugh a little, Green can apparently not feel physical pain. It's probably the most feminine Green I've ever seen. It's making me realize I have never seen it younger than me. I know I won't ask why, but I like wondering. It gives me something to do at night when I'm bored. Or at any moment of the day.

Green is looking around, looking peaceful. It's been so long since I've seen it that way. Maybe it's just easier to read it as a human than as whatever Green is. It's been rough these last days but for now, I'm back to talking to Green. We're friends again. It feels good not to be alone anymore. I can't help but to smile at it. I'm confident for once.

- I am non-binary, I use they and them pronouns and I am pansexual.

I'm almost whispering. I speak faster than I ever have. I just want it to be over. I gasp and put my hand over my mouth when the last words come out of my mouth. Green slowly turns around to fully face me and stares at me looking proud.

- Sid. You said it. You actually said it. This is what happens when you're not scared of yourself. You are the most fearless person in the world right now because fearing yourself is fearing everything else that could hurt you. I know it, I understand it.

I didn't realize I was crying, but I'm aware of my smile.

- Oh, shut up, you wise old man. Being old for real doesn't mean you can talk to me like you're a book.

- Okay. Okay. I won't say that again.

We both start laughing. I missed laughing, I missed Green, I missed not being angry all the time.