green eyes in the dark

Chapter 5

I've always loved my name. Sidaline. When I told people I wasn't really what they thought, I wanted to keep it somehow. I tried so many names in my head and none worked as well as just Sid. I don't know where my mom found that name, but I think it's a beautiful name. And not only because it's my name.

I wake up and apparently Green never left. I know its emotions are off, but it's still here. With me. Broken inside and outside.

- You're still here.

I say those words without thinking. Smiling. The same crooked smile. I realize that it was looking at the floor because the green eyes raise to look at me.

- I thought you'd be gone. Just like every other time.

Green's still staring at me. I haven't been moved. My ankle doesn't hurt as bad as yesterday. I take a look at it. There's bandages around it. And ice. Not just an iced pack. My ankle is frozen, even though i can still feel it. I didn't realize until now how good it felt. It wasn't looking at the ground, but at my ankle.

- How are you doing this?

The feeling is confusing.
Cold and hot.
Sweet and bitter.
Hard and soft.
Pressing and leaving.
On and off.
I can't make my mind up. The answer even though similar to every thing that's been said by green sounds as true as ever.

- I don't know. I just do it. But usually I can't do it with the switch on. I don't want to feel anything when I use this most of the time.

It stops. It stops talking, but it doesn't need any word to make me understand. Green killed before. And to have so much control with it, a lot had been killed by that. I'm not one of them.
After a while, I realize that Green isn't just taking away the pain. It heals my ankle. It's fascinating, but I can't look at it for long. I've never been able to look at any injuries too long without gagging. Even though I saw a lot of those by playing soccer for years. I try to change the subject.

- Do you miss your house sometimes?

I think of home. What used to be my home.

- Not really. When I started to come here, it was because I was scared of outside. At the beginning I didn't completely live there. The tunnel wasn't done. There were too many people coming here to allow me to live here. Even with my emotions turned off I'd feel the fear every single time I'd go outside. So now I associate this house to fear. The fear of humanity.

Now it's my turn to stare at the green eyes. I understand the point it's making, and that scares me.

- I miss home at all moments in the day, or the night. I miss the small things that made me hang on to life. People did... do scare me. I was trying so hard to go under the radar.

I put a hand in my hair, but I remember that the long hair that was doing the job to "go under the radar " isn't here anymore. It makes me happy. I'm closer to be me. What I want to be. Not what my mom, my dad, my friends, my teachers wanted me to be. They probably still do.
Green's looking at my hair.

- I still don't understand why you didn't ask me to do something about it.

- Can you do something about it?

I gesture in my hair's direction. I wonder what it'll do to my hair. If it gets that I couldn't stand them long anymore or that it thinks I just did it for some change.
It looks at me like I'm a toy.

- I think I can manage to do something that wouldn't look too shitty. But you'll have to close your eyes.

I don't know why Green is asking me this, but it makes me want to keep them wide open. I manage to close them. I can't see anything. I can feel, I can hear, I can smell, but I can't see.

- You're not going to make me look like a rock, right?

I hear the little laugh right next to my left ear. Then I feel a strand of hair fall on my now naked neck. I close my eyes harder. Green remarks it.

- Are you okay?

- Yes. Never felt better, I think.

- Good.

- Good.

There's a big silence. I can hear my hair falling. On my shoulders, the ground, my hands, my neck, my knees. I'm not lying when I say I think I've never felt better. The biggest part of the illusion is gone. I'm shivering.

- Can I ask you why you cut your hair?

I'm too scared to say the words. I just say a different truth.

- I don't want to be an illusion.

The words sound bitter to my ears. It makes me realize what I just said. Green is still cutting my hair calmly. I don't know if it just ignores what I just said or if it tries to tell me it understands. Or just none of those hypotheses.

- You know the real answer, don't you?

I almost open my eyes. I can't betray Green by making that small mistake. I turn to face it.

- You're trying to make me say it. What else do you know about me?

- You, only, can tell me.

I, only, can tell Green. It turns off it's emotions. It doesn't want to say what's on its mind. I open my eyes this time.
I look at Green. My eyes are burning.

- How did you figure out so many things about me? You answer to that question.

I don't even care about my hair anymore. I just need to know.

- I'm an observer. I watch people and by one little movement or word I can see a lot. I read people like an open book. I read you when you got here.

I don't react to that. I just think of the benefits of being a " reader ".

- Show me how to do it.

- No. It took me years just to be able to understand the easiests to read.

- I'll work for the next ten years if it's what it takes. I want to learn. I need to learn.

- Okay, not now.

Green just leaves in the middle of the sentence. And I don't even try to run after it. I stay there sitting on the cold and dirty floor. Strands of hair are lying all around and over me. I feel like the sun.
It must start to be dark outside because I realize that I'm cold. I raise my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them to warm me up. I don't want to cry as much as usually, but I still feel lonely.
I run a hand in my hair. It's so short, but just enough. It feels new. Better. More confident than ever because of this small little change in my life. I don't need the light of the green eyes to sleep. I fall asleep happy that I have the hair I've always wanted.