green eyes in the dark

Chapter 7

I've never cared about what I looked like, but I didn't want people to look at me and say I'm a girl based on what I wore. Even though I wanted them to think it. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to hear something that no one could think of, and it was a good thing because I was hiding. So I dressed up every morning as feminine as I could, wearing skirts more often than intended. I wouldn't let anyone touch my hair. I didn't like it, but others did.

I'm in front of a mirror looking at myself. The real one. Sid.

- Do you like what you see?

I want to cry, I can't manage more than a smile with tears in my eyes. My vision is blurred, but I can't stop looking at the mirror's reflection. I turn back towards Green who's waiting for an answer. I want it to know exactly what I feel. I want it to see.

I want it to smell.

I want it to taste.

I want it to touch.

I want it to hear.

I want my words to brush its fingers. To read through my eyes. To breathe in the air I'm breathing. To repeat my words just to hear again.

- Yes. I love it.

I run my fingers through my hair, surprised by the short length of it. The feeling is even more frightening every time my hands touch my hair. I look like myself. Tears are running on my cheeks, a smile on my face, it makes me realise that my lips are chapped. I've never felt this good in all my life.

My hair now short.

My chest now flattened.

My feet in boots.

My shoulders covered by a flannel and long sleeved t-shirt.

My legs in goth pants.

I feel like when you buy a new toy at a store as a child, you're happy and you feel like it will never end.

My head is spinning so much. I didn't even realize I was back in the tunnel. And that Green wasn't with me anymore. I wanted it to stay, but it's not here anymore. Not close to me. Somewhere where I'm not.

I'm happy, but i don't want to live this overwhelming joy all by myself, in the dark of this tunnel.It's dark outside, which makes me realise I've spent all day with Green choosing what I could wear to feel more like myself. I remember the flashlight. The flashlight that I no longer have. I gave away the light I needed with the clothes I couldn't see anymore. I sit clumsily on the cold ground. At least it isn't wet anymore. I feel the coolness in my ones. The flannel has its use. I know I should sleep. I know it.

I do as I should. I am alone in the dark and cold tunnel trying to find sleep. I was happy. Green created this joy in me. Needless to say, the happiness is slowly leaving. I thought this day would've made it stay with me, at least until I fall asleep. It still left. After the clothing, the talk, the paintings, the illusions. It should have stayed with me.

I fall asleep telling me this over and over again until I feel numb. Until I can't be happy anymore. Until my eyes are closed. I don't dream. I can't dream. My mind is going everywhere, nowhere in particular. So I don't dream. I can't dream. In my mind, only one thing remains: Green. It won't leave. It hurts to say i don't want it to leave. Even though it hurt me not long ago enough to have completely healed. Or simply started to heal at all.