green eyes in the dark

Chapter 14

After I told mom it felt weird. She was trying, but it didn't feel like it was enough. She didn't look like she loved me as much. She was looking at me like I was a broken toy. It was like this for months. Nobody else knew, I was almost traumatized because of mom's reaction. Then, I told grandma. She listened. She was understanding. She kind of looked happy I was opening to her, and it made me feel happy. It made me feel like it would be just fine. I hadn't felt like that in weeks before it. I just loved it. But I decided to tell everybody else, and it wasn't like with grandma. I wasn't a broken toy anymore, I was an experience. I was Frankenstein.

I'm smiling, I'm laughing. I throw the pillow it just hit me with at Green. I try to breathe to be able to speak.

- Hey, I'm sorry to say that, but I'm hungry.

- Mhmm, well do you know how to cook? It doesn't really matter, but I could use a little help for once.

It chuckles, I hit it with a pillow again. I answer as seriously as I can.

- I'm an okay cook. I know how not to burn pastas.

- Okay. That'll do the job. Wanna see the new version of the house?

- Yes, I do, my good old friend Green.

- Not even going to ask why you are speaking like that. Come on.

I get out of the bed and when I look at Green, it is back to its shadowy form. It goes to the ladder, and I follow it. I'm starting to freeze again. It takes me a little while to get to the top of the ladder, but it waits for me. Outside it's sunny and a lot hotter than in the tunnel. I stay there for a while, my eyes closed, breathing slowly, taking the heat the sun is creating. Green is still waiting for me. I step out of the tunnel and begin to walk towards the house. I can feel Green behind me, I know it is staring at me, but I don't mention it. The grass around the house is so green, it makes me laugh a bit. There is no apparent reason for it. The outside of the house looks as deprived as the last time I came, but this time there is a new coat of paint. I want to ask when it painted the house. I keep myself from it. I'm guessing when it happened and I don't really want confirmation. what used to be dead flowers surrounding the house are now starting to come back to life again. I wonder if it's the weather or Green who did it. They're pretty. I could be one of them in a way. When I get to the stairs that go to the door, they creak under my feet. The wood looks polished, but used, just like the door in front of me. I don't want to open it, so I wait for Green to do it.

I don't even wait until I'm inside to look in the whole house. The inside of it is wonderful.I can't even understand how Green did it all in such a few time. There are new curtains, and the windows are so clean it almost looks like they are non-existant. The sheets aren't here anymore, replaced by new chairs, tables, lamps. Next to the fireplace, wood, that seems to have been freshly chopped to light a fire, sits. It is strong enough not to crawl under the wheigh of the other logs that is over it. There are pans and spatulas hanging all over the walls of the kitchen, and clean and perfectly folded towels lay next to the oven. There is black carpet all over the house's floor, my feet are getting hotter and more comfortable. I haven't been in a real bathroom in so long and I feel like this is a good moment for it to be used. I laugh at myself. As always. I can't believe I'm thinking about going to the bathroom when I'm in the perfect house.

I still need to go pee so I ask Green here is the bathroom. Without saying a word it simply points to the right side of the corridor next to the kitchen. The closed door looks huge compared to me. Did Green ever go to the bathroom? I push that weird thought away and turn the door handle as I step in front of the bathroom. When I enter, it looks cleaner than anything I've ever seen. Either it has never been used or Green is a cleaning freak. The shower is as white as clouds on a sunny day, as well as the sink and the toilet. There are brushtooths in a glass. I wonder why. I do what I have to do and then come out of the bathroom as quiet as I can. It feels weird to go to the bathroom in a shadow's house. As I raise my head, I see Green standing in front of me in its human form, long dark hair, small nose, pink smiling lips, trousers and its green eyes as usual. I stare at it longer than intended. For once, I break the silence first.

- You've got clean bathrooms Green, I didn't think it was possible. 

- How dare you think that!

It says it with a fake offended face and tone. It makes me laugh. I'm still looking all around me. Everything is so beautiful. It fits with Green. My stomach is growling, I almost forgot why we came here in the first place. Apparently, Green is aware of my hunger.

- So, what should we cook?

- Hum... I said I wasn't too bad at cooking pastas so that says it all about what I like to eat.

- Okay, well, I'm really into Kraft Dinner, Sid, so what about we don't make pastas. We could make a vegetarian lasagna, but with a little bit of meat 'cause you look like, even though I give you food every day, you're about to die.

Even before, she would make me feel like it was me, like it was always my fault. I would scream out of madness, I would cry out of madness, I eat. I was just so hungry, I was falling apart. I was tired all the time, so I would eat. She would make me feel bad about it, like I wasn't allowed to have feelings, because I was not allowed to have feelings. 'You're just like him', she would say. My own mother telling me I'm just like the person she hated the most. Never saying sorry afterwards, never accepting that she was wrong in something. It was me. I was the one who had to say sorry. Then, this day, she had been stressed, or I had been stressed, but as long as I did try to be nice and calm, even though she wasn't, she treated me like I didn't deserve to be alive. 'You're just like him', she had said, 'You're not even trying to change, you won't stop eating all day, Sidaline'. And this day I told myself I would never change myself if she didn't do it either.

- Yeah, vegetarian lasagna, love the idea. Go on, I think I'm gonna go outside, take a breath, and maybe look at the sky. It's been so long since we looked at each other.

- Sure. Anyway, I don't really need help to cook pastas.

I start to walk towards the door even before Green is done speaking. When I get to the door, I hold on to the doorknob a bit too long before heading outside. Unlike earlier, the sky is blue. Blue like I've never seen before. I'm so hungry. I can't stop hearing her voice in my head. But I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry. I must have fallen because Green is now outside, next to me, in its human form, trying to ask me if I'm okay. But the only answer to that question is no. I'm never okay, I've never been okay, and I'll never be okay.