In These Arms [mxm]

Chapter 10 - Flashing lights

A/N: Day 9 of coronavirus, finally tested negative!! Still coughing and yuck but i think that's jsut the aftermath. Lemon, honey and whisky hot drink has gotten me through these 9 days lol!! Again, severely unedited. I hope you're still enjoying it regardless. I also hope to see and hear from you in the comments section. Love to hear your thoughts. Please also vote if you enjoy!!  

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Just as I did so many times already since waking up in hospital, I stood there watching Chanyeol's back as he turned to leave. The door clicked shut behind him and I took a deep, unsteady breath while I tried to collect my thoughts. How much heartbreak could somebody endure in one lifetime? I didn't know, but this was quickly becoming more than I could take.

I gathered my shoes and clothes and dressed as quickly as I could manage, regretting not letting us go all the way first. If only I'd first let myself get lost in his arms before running the risk of ruining everything between us, if there was anything we could call left between us at all. He told me to leave on my own, but I didn't want him to come home to the house in this state. Although it was completely renovated and refurbished to the point that I could no longer recognize it, it still was once my home. And although we were essentially strangers now, he was still the man I would love until death.

After little more than a moments deliberation, I stepped carefully through the broken shards on the floor all the way through to the kitchen. Much of this would be far beyond my capacity to clean, but I'd do the best I could before leaving. My eyes strayed to the rubbish bin where he'd dumped our mugs. Both were cracked and had shards fallen into the bin, but they weren't beyond repair.

Chanyeol hadn't emptied the drinks first before discarding them, so the bin liner was filled with hot chocolate and the slimy remains of marshmallows. I dipped my hand into the bottom, feeling around for any broken pieces I might have missed. He may have been ready to let these go, but I wasn't, so I set them aside on the countertop for me to come back to soon.

A noiseless wave of melancholy washed through me and left me festering in these thoughts of despair. I shook these invasive thoughts, remembering instead that father-in-law would always keep a broom in the kitchen cupboard. After finding it there, I set to work on the floors while my mind became enveloped in restless thoughts. By staying here like this, I was merely biding by the time before I had to enter back into the real world.

I'd have to seek out Jaemin and Jung-ho, arrange a short-term place for me to stay, access my old emails, set up a new bank account, and create a new resume. I'd need to search for a job. Having drifted through seven years without a conscious thought, I never got to study or sit my driver's license. I never got the chance to pursue a dream or figure out what made me happy except for Chanyeol. Now that I was already twenty-six years old, I had to mold myself into this adult person.

My cold and lonely thoughts swayed from a kind family who spent two years mimicking love and connection with a stranger who was unable to reciprocate those feelings, to a lover who spent three out of seven years wiping any traces of a former love. The sound of broken pieces clinking as I brushed them towards the kitchen would occasionally return me to reality, and the scent of hot chocolate continued to linger.

Time ruthlessly crept by, marking more than three hours before I felt satisfied enough to call the job almost done. I picked up the larger shards and wrapped them in newspaper before disposing of them into plastic bags, then used a dustpan and broom for the rest. I tried to move the table and stand it upright, but it was so heavy that I was astounded that Chanyeol was able to lift it yet alone throw it across the room. I wondered what he felt in those moments; how much he resented me, or the world, or even himself.