In These Arms [mxm]

Chapter 22 - Time is a wedge

A/N: This one will need a lot of editing sorry. It's almost 11PM and I'm pooped. 

Also, I changed a part of the previous chapter. The embarrassingly horrific bad line, "A betrayer is a betrayer" was rephrased to: 

"Father scoffed. "Betrayal is a mark of disgrace that causes one's slate to become irredeemably unclean. And one whose slate is marked with the filth of betrayal cannot be undone, making Haneul Bom himself, filthy, dirty...unclean. Such a man is no son of mine, Chanyeol, so just as I have wiped my hands, so should you."

Hope you're still enjoying!! 

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There were so many things I wanted to talk about with Jaemin, to try to string together words from the chaos in my mind and turn them into comprehensible sentences, so that she might help to unravel the heaviness in my heart. Like a boulder woven together by fears, doubts, and pain, now I could only add humiliation into the list. It was hard for me to say a single word now.

Why did I act like that after receiving sedation? I inwardly groaned. All words escaped me while I wallowed in my own embarrassment and shame. Chanyeol was not my father, and I was not his child. With this being the case, then why I acted like that was our dynamic was completely beyond me. Jaemin and Jung-ho both seemed to understand the reason for my quietness, instead engaging in gentle and unassuming conversation. Rather than laying down in my hospital bed, I sat on a chair beside Jung-ho's and acted more as a guest than a patient.

"And the kids have been especially missing their uncle Haneul," Jaemin grinned.

"Then we can arrange a playdate," I said, forcing myself to smile back. "Nothing quite gives me the feeling of life than seeing those two children so full and free with it."

Jaemin nodded. "They would love that, most certainly." She seemed to glance reluctantly at Jung-ho then back at me, taking a deep and worried breath. "You must have many things weighing on you, Haneul. Those kids will be a good way to lift your spirits, but so will talking about it. Is there anything you wish to seek counsel on from this old Aunty and Uncle?"

It surprised me to hear her refer to herself this way when she was the embodiment of beauty and youth, and I could not help but let slip a laugh. She smiled with relief as she noticed and shared that smile with Jung-ho.

"There has been a lot to deal with," I admitted, searching the palm of my hand as if it held the answers. "Chanyeol has a lover. We reconnected on so many occasions, but he always becomes drawn to this other person, although he says he does not love him. I know his position cannot change within just a few short days of learning the truth, I know that. But enlisting in the army for not more than three months before coming back to find my lover moved on is... is painful. And when I tell myself I can be strong and wait for him to tie his loose ends, whether that means tying me in or cutting me off, I realize that I am just torturing myself. Waiting for something that... that I cannot predict will break me or make me whole again. This loss of control, this loss of power, this helplessness and self-inflicted pain all because I choose not to move on until he ends it... I cannot handle this much. He and his father are my only family. What else can I do?"

I had been staring at the palm of my hand, pressing my thumb against the lines as I spoke out of nervousness and an emotional rupture. But when I looked up, I could see Jaemin's eyes had reddened, and tears filled to the brim without having yet spilled. Although as she shook her head, apologizing for what she called her dramatic response, those tears fell.

After clearing her throat, she forced a smile and apologized once more. "It's the menopause," she sniffed, wiping away the tears. "Don't mind me." Moments after pulling herself back together, she straightened up on the bed and tried smiling once more. "So, this must be very difficult for you, but you appear to be very understanding in the fact that both Chanyeol and the world have changed a lot over the past seven years."