Conundrum

28

Harry Styles

I turn around to face her, trying not to look as mortified as I feel- not quite sure if I succeed though.

Immediately, that feeling creeps up on me. The last time I felt it was in the library when she started asking questions about Holly. It's like my heart is beating so fast it'll jump out of my throat and my pulse racing so hard it'll break through my skin. It comes when I'm caught off guard. When I'm fucking surprised.

It's not a nerve thing. I didn't get it when I told her about the case, even though I was nervous as hell. Because I planned it. I decided that I was doing it and I carefully planned out how and what I was going to say. When I get surprised or don't expect something to happen, it comes.

It doesn't take long for me to break a sweat on my forehead as the sound of my thrashing heart rings in my ears. I know that the only thing to do, is breathe. Or at least try to.

"What d'you mean?" I play dumb, avoiding looking at the post-it she just picked up from the floor next to the couch, while attempting to conceal my struggles and wanting to face palm myself at the same time.

"I mean what I said, Harry, what is it?"she repeats, holding it between two fingers as she stands up from the couch, her brows knit together.

I don't answer, I can't. My brain is working as fast as possible to try and come up with something, but no sounds escape me. At the same time I'm trying to control my body while hiding doing so.

Fuck.

"What does 'backdoor, check for securitysystem shutdown' mean?" She reads off the yellow paper, the look in her eyes telling me she won't let this go before she has a proper answer.

Fuck, again.

Either I'm going to need to come up with a really fucking good lie or tell the truth. I wouldn't like to do either. I'll also struggle to make anything up right now, it's not exactly like I have loads of time and energy to spare.

"Erm... It was- it was just a reminder for myself to check the backdoor of this building, the securitysystem shuts down sometimes so I thought I'd figure out why" I attempt a somewhat decent lie, I'm pretty hopeless in terms of making her believe it though. She sees right through me, I can tell.

But there's too many things my body needs to do right now. Control breathing, try to calm down my pulse and pounding heart, wipe my forehead and neck off... oh and also pretend like none of it is happening. It's too much for me to be capable of coming up with a good lie.

"That's obviously bullshit, quit the lies and tell me what's going on" she doesn't even sound that angry with me for lying in the first place, she just wants the damn truth. So I decide to give it to her half-way.

"I- erm... Alyssa I think it's better if I don't tell you for now" my voice comes out a little shaky but I've become good at hiding weaknesses like this. I can maintain a pretty cool exterior even with a havoc of a mind.

I give up on lying though, I simply don't have the energy. And I figure saying what I just did, is better than nothing. She apparently doesn't see it that way though.

"No Harry, we don't keep secrets from each other, and we sure as hell don't lie so tell me right the fuck now" she stands her ground, putting her hands on her hips. I can tell that deep down, she isn't angry with me, she's hurt. She's hurt that I don't feel like I can tell her and she's hurt that I'm keeping her in the dark. And that breaks me.

The fact that she isn't angry, is helping calm me down though. I can feel my body slow down a little, thankfully it didn't get all the way to the shakes this time. Maybe it's because I've had a conversation to distract my mind with.