terrible things e.s.

10 Super Sperm

Unrevised

On the evening of October twenty-seventh, I was a watermelon. Literally. We were Halloween-consume stopping, and Ed thought it would be a great idea for me to be dressed as a watermelon for Halloween. Ed was in the fitting room beside me trying on a Super Sperm costume, which was a giant sperm suit with a big S on the chest; "it even has a cape, I can't not try it on, Roar."

So, I was standing in the small compacted room, looking in the mirror at the gigantic green and pink monster that I looked like. My stomach was at a maximum, I was due in a week, my ankles were huge and ached, my back down right hurt, my boobs were lactating (who fucking knew that boobs leaked. Fucking leaked), and mr. we-don't-have-a-name-yet-so-for-now-you're-just-that-thing-we-don't-have-a-name-for-and-you're-due-in-a-week-and-your-parents-are-really-indecisive-I-am-so-sorry-we-are-your-parents-and-one-would-think-we'd-be-prepared-by-now-but-were-not-and-your-father-is-a-moron-but-for-some-reason-I-let-him-impregnate-me-oh-my-God-what the-hell-was-I-thinking-little-dude (but that would be hell to write on a test paper so we're leaving it at undecided) is a real kicker (but, hey, maybe he'll be a football (soccer) player and make us rich, or maybe his father will get us rich since he now has a fan base-- not fun btw, especially when your preggo)).

And he's a boy, which I'm thankful for because girls are bitches and since he's a male, we have a better chance of him being somewhat chill.

So, again, I was in the fitting room looking at myself and I really had to pee but this wasn't the time and when I felt water between my legs, I thought I'd pissed myself. So, I yelled over to Ed in the stall beside me and he came in my stall, to which the dressing room lady yelled "hey, no more than one person per stall," and Ed called back,"Shes pregnant, calm your flabby tits," and I'm not entirely sure that was the best thing to say but that wasn't the issue at that particular moment, because I might have just peed in a watermelon costume and that's not exactly something I wanted to add to my life's resumé.

"So, what's up, what do you need help with?"

"Well, Super Sperm, I'm pretty sure I just pissed myself and, honestly, I don't really know. But, I don't know, what do you suggest I do?" I awkwardly swayed a little, holding on to my stomach. Much to my displeasure, Ed bursts out laughing. Unfortunately, he has one of those really ugly laughs that you have to laugh at, so I started cackling. Which was fine, despite my pee soaked self, until an immense pain erupted from my abdomen and womanly area all at once.

"Fuck," I seethed rather loudly through clenched teeth.

"Whoa, babe, what's wrong? What hurts? Are you okay? Oh, my god, is something wrong with the baby?" He frantically asked me questions and put a hand on my back. That was when realization hit me in the face like a bat hitting a ball. It was not urine that soaked this awful costume.

"Ed?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"I.. I think it's time."

"Time? As in.. time-time?" His voice shook slightly.

I nodded my head frantically, "time-time."

Before I knew it, I was trying to be swept up, but as we all know, Ed has absolutely no upper body strength and he ended up just wrapping an arm around my waist as we waddled out ignoring people's questions and somehow gotten me into the car. And, yet, flabby-tits managed to scream, "You have to pay for those!" As we shuffled out the door. I give Ed some credit for throwing $80.00 on the ground so we weren't shop lifting.

This is how we ended up as the first people to ever come screaming in the emergency room about a baby and it's week early and- oh yes! In watermelon and Super Sperm costumes. Three hours later, and lots of screaming, Baby Lucas was born. He had blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I feel kind of bad for for naming him Lucas. Or Luke, I'll probably call him Luke.

"Well, Lorelei, what would you like to name your baby boy?" Dr. Morison asked me with what I thought was an evil smile in my time of pain and hatred. I'd just pushed a human being out of my body and was not okay with it.

"Lucifer, 'cause he's the fucking devil-- my vag feels like hell." I spat, to which Ed thankfully came to my rescue stating "hey, what about Lucas?" And it felt right so we went with Lucas Robert Sheeran.

The next day, they wanted me to stay the night to keep Lucas under professional supervision, since he was a week early to make sure he was going to be alright breathing on his own, etcetera, I finally got to hold my baby boy, for longer than six seconds.

"He's so freaking small," I whispered, "and adorable. God, he's going to be fucking gorgeous."

"Please, don't curse around the infants, mrs."

"Yeah, yeah, sorry." I turned to Ed, smiling.

"He looks just like you, babe. Does he even have any of my features?" Ed reached his finger out and Luke looked up at him with these huge blue eyes and grabbed it in his tiny little red hand.

"He has your eyes, and skin tone. he's so pale."

"You're just as pale as me."

"Not as pale, but pale."

"Has your nose."

"Your ears."

"Your hair."

"Your lips"

"Your toes."

"Your chin."

"He's perfect."

"Even more than." Suddenly his face soured and I looked at him in confusion.

"Hey, nurse, what does it mean when he--" however I couldn't continue because think white spit hit my neck.

"Oh, my god," I screeched, which made Luke cry. The nurse immediately ran to our side, taking away my baby and handing Ed some napkins to help me clean up. I was frozen. There was puke caked on my chest and I couldn't move. Ed tried to help me, he really did, but he has a weak stomach and ended up dry heaving with his hands on his knees and I was still covered in puke.

- two days later, 2:24a.m. -

"Baby's crying."

"It's your turn, Ed."

"He's probably hungry."

"I guess we'll find out... when you go check on him."

"You go."

"I'm not going."

"Our son is crying in the next room, Rory, go care for him."

"I carried him for nine months, I created him, it's your turn."

"What the fuck?"

"Fine, I'll go. But you owe me."

"What?"

"Foot massage?"

"Mm... fine." I painfully sat up, careful of the stitches, and waddled to my son, mumbling, "We are horrible parents."

-

(costumes in the media)

Eh. This is so bad, but it was on short notice so you can thank Emily HeyThereLoser45

And for the record, I worked at a Halloween store and there was literally a Super Sperm costume and we used to try to get costumers to try it on and one day this girl Lindsay got a guy to but he didn't come out of the fitting room so we didn't get to see it and I had to buy her a BLT from IHOP out of my paycheck