terrible things e.s.

5 our plans or your plans?

On the night of my nineteenth birthday, Ed and I had our first big fight. The both of us had taken an off year before we were going to go to university together in the fall. The university we applied to surprisingly took us both. However, it wasn't the only school I sent an application to.

I was going out on a whim, really. I didn't think I would actually get in. I was a top university here with an amazing writing program. But when my results came in the mail with a huge "congratulations" on the envelope, I knew I had to go. They were offering a half-ride, I had to take it. So I did. I didn't tell Ed, though. I was going to, I thought he'd be so proud of me, I really did. My plan was to tell him that night, but I just couldn't do it. When I was about to, he started going on about how we could share an apartment and how it would be so cool and how he knows this complex right down the way from the school that isn't too shabby. Plus, it wasn't too far from home, only about an hour by train, and how perfect it was and I just couldn't wreck his heart like that.

So I held it in. I didn't tell him an it was killing me because the more he went on and on about University Campus Suffolk, the more I was feeling like I was going to explode.

On the night of my nineteenth birthday, I could no longer hold it in. I had to tell Ed that I got into the creative writing program at Kingston.

We were laying on his bed, he was playing with my hair after a little birthday workout.

(a/n: *suggestive smirk*)

"I have to tell you something," I said. He paused, then went back to brushing his fingers through my hair.

"What is it, babe?"

"I don't want you to get mad..," Teddy removed his fingers completely.

"Oh, god. Your pregnant... Rory..," he ran his fingers through his scalp worriedly, back away from me on the bed.

"What?! No! No... Not that, God..." I sat up, not bothering to cover my chest.

"Well, I mean, you were being..." He chuckled nervously.

"No, Ed, no. It's just... I got into Kingston, is all," His mouth hung open, a frown present, so I filled it with words while I had the chance, "I didn't know I would actually get in... I just sent an application thinking, 'hey, why not?' You know? And... they accepted me and it's such a good school, Ed. And, it has this amazing writing program. It could make something out of me, Teddy, I could become an author, I could--"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Ed cut me off, speaking softly.

"I didn't mean to, Ed, I tried but I couldn't ever--"

"I trusted you! We made plans! We had a plan, we were going to get a fucking apartment, Rory! We were going to live to together! We were going to have a life together!" He was screaming and I was thankful that his parents were on their date night. Not yet spilled tears welled up in his eyes as he yelled, climbing out of bed and dressing.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, Teddy I--"

"Don't fucking call me that, you don't deserve to call me that."

"I wanted to tell you, I just didn't know how!"

"That's bullshit, Rory, bullshit! Do you know how for away Kingston is?! It's in the fucking city, it's in fucking London! Do you realize how far away that is from Framingham?! That's like across the fucking nation, man!"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry!" I sobbed at him. I knew this would happen, I shouldn't have taken the opportunity. I've ruined everything.

"God, fuck." He tugged on his fiery hair harshly, only in a pair of plaid boxers. He was pissed off and I was now getting pissed as well. He's acting like I don deserve this.

It was quiet for a while. No body saying anything, only our words hanging loosely in the air.

"Why can't you just be happy for me?" I finally asked, pulling his comforter over closer to me.

"Excuse me?" The disgust was so evident in his voice, I had never heard him talk to me this way, but I stood my ground.

"This isn't fair! You should be happy for me. I got in one of the best schools around, Ed. Do you know how hard it is to get into Kingston? I didn't even think I was going to get in, I was just applying to apply. The fact that they excepted me, is kind of a big deal, you know? I could make something of myself here and you're just trying to throw my whole career down the drain. You're being selfish. You can't always be the one with the problem, Ed. I have problems too, sometimes I need to crawl through someone's window too, but whenever I need you, you're always busy. But whenever you need me, I'm there. I'm always there."

"This isn't about that. It's is about you, ruining our plans."

I shook my head slowly, "No, Ed. I didn't ruin our plans. I ruined your plans. Sometimes, I have to do what's best for me. I'm sorry," I stepped out of bed, pulling my shirt over my head.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going home. I can't do this anymore," I wiped my eyes and stepped passed him, into the hallway.

"What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?" He called out to me.

"Yeah, Ed, I think I am," I yelled as I ran down the stairs.

I never realized how much he took up my life, until I noticed how I didn't have anything to do. How I didn't really have any friends that I talked to outside of school and work. He was my whole life and I left him there. It didn't hit me until I was laying in bed alone at three a.m. with nobody to talk to, that I realized what I'd just done. It wasn't until then that I had the worst break down yet, until I had four panic attacks alone and breathless with no one hold me. It wasn't until I'd drank half a bottle of jack that I realized I wanted to die. It wasn't until I had throw up fourteen ibuprofen that Id realized that was a bad idea. It wasn't until the next morning that I knew I'd made the wrong decision. But I wasn't going to fix it. I needed to feel something again. Ed made me numb, he peppered my life with soft kisses until the only thing I could feel was him. It was time to smell the roses again.

-

Wow okay. So much dialogue and pretty much no writing. Oh well.

Peace on you
This chapter sucks