Black Iris

Jackburn lane.

Rose

"I'm just so sick of fighting."

Danielle stared at me. They were the first words of the session that actually meant something. I'd been giving her passive answers to her questions about how summer school was going, whether I'd made friends, how I was coping with the workload, etcetera. Finally, she got sick of the one and two-word answers and put her notebook down.

"Okay, Ophelia. What is going on? You were making really sound progress before you went away, but now you're struggling to open up to me. What is it?"

And she had looked at me with eyes filled with concern, and I broke. And I told her what was on my mind.

"Fighting?" She echoed. "What do you mean by that?"

I looked away, biting my lip. "I mean... I've been fighting Blake for months. Back when I was... with him, I fought him daily. And I fought with myself, not to give in to him. Then I finally gave up, tried to stop fighting, and I got out. And I'm fighting him all over again. Both in court, but also just every moment, of every day. I just- I can't keep doing it."

Danielle was quiet for a few moments before she asked, "What's the alternative?"

"What?"

She picked her notebook back up, looking at me over her glasses. "Well, what's the alternative? Like, for example, what happens if you stop fighting him in the legal sense?"

I frowned. "I mean, I would have to try to cover the damages he's suing me for? And, drop the kidnapping and abuse case against him too."

Danielle nodded. "So, then what? Other than going into debt. What would be the outcome of dropping the case?"

"I don't know. I guess... he would walk free?" I said. "He wouldn't be put behind bars. He would still be able to see me if he chose. Kidnap me again. Hurt me. Or do it all to someone else if he felt like it."

"And does the thought of that scare you?" She asked.

"Of course it does," I said. "I don't want him ever to hurt anyone else the way he hurt me."

"So, you're going to keep fighting, then?" She asked.

I slowly nodded. "Yes. I am. Because I need to do everything in my power to put Blake behind bars."

Danielle nodded, folding her hands and looking across at me. "Ophelia, you have been through so much. More than anyone your age should have to go through. So no matter how hard it can sometimes feel to keep going, you need to remember just how far you've come and why you are fighting this fight. This pain you're feeling won't last forever."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I already know that, Danielle. I know that I can't just give up because I need to protect others. And the only way I can keep fighting is to remind myself of that. I fucking know that my pain won't last forever. But that doesn't stop it from sucking ass."

She looked taken aback, but before she could speak, I let out a groan of frustration.

"You always talk about recovery and how this is a journey and all that bullshit, but it never fucking ends," I said, exasperated. "I'm fighting this constant uphill battle, holding out for these tiny moments of reprieve where Blake isn't in my head, but then the moment I look the other way, he's back again. They're back again. When will it fucking end?"