Black Iris

Good enough.

Rose

"When did you first kiss a girl?"

We were lying under the north bridge in the dark, surrounded by cigarette butts and empty bottles. Where the main bridge near the cabins and classrooms was newer and had heavy foot traffic, this bridge was older, farther up the river, along the trail out to the rec centre. It was well hidden from prying eyes and had space enough underneath to comfortably sit or lie down. Meaning, it was the perfect spot for secret rendezvous.

Which, Charlene and I had naturally taken full advantage of.

We were three weeks into camp, though it felt like so much longer. The excitement about what we were doing was beginning wear off. At first it had felt scandalous, in the best way possible. Meeting up during off periods, or down time. Touching skin under the lunch table so no one could see. Sneaking out late at night to meet up and chat. It was exciting and risqué, and for the first time in a long time I had felt alive.

But as time went on, the relationship started to strain. We had a few close calls, and Charlene and Adam were tense and arguing constantly but had yet to break up. At this point, I was ready for it all to be over, but contrary to that first night on camp when Charlene had said she'd break up with Adam, she had been struggling to actually go through with it.

I looked across at Charlene, her face lit only by the moonlight shining off the river. I bit my lip, thinking of Jordan. It was the first time I'd thought of her in weeks, yet it hurt all the same.

Charlene squeezed my hand, noticing my mood shift. I let out a sigh.

"It was at a youth camp, when I was twelve. I got close to this girl in my cabin and one night we were talking and she kissed me."

Charlene grinned. "It sounds romantic."

"Yeah," I said, smiling at her then looking away. "It kinda was."

Charlene was quiet for a few moments. Then, she leant across and kissed my bare shoulder, her teeth lightly grazing the soft skin. A warmth spread through my chest and I gently shut my eyes. Charlene rested her head beside my shoulder and took a deep breath in.

"I love the smell of your perfume," she said, quietly. "It's so strong and sweet. Just like you."

Suddenly, my stomach began churning. It was as though someone had flicked a switch, and all of a sudden, I was thinking about Gwen, and Blake. My throat tightened and I felt tears pull to my eyes.

Charlene noticed and quickly sat up, and pulled me into a sitting position with her.

"Hey, Phil, you're not there," she said. "You're with me, and you're safe. Look at me, okay? They're not here. It's just you and me."

I focused on my breathing and Charlene's words and began to calm down. Once I was calm enough, I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm sorry this keeps happening around you, too."

She gave me a comforting smile. "Hey, it's okay. I don't mind. Plus, I'm getting pretty good at dealing with them now, anyway."

I smiled weakly, then shook my head. "I don't even know what triggered it this time."

"Something about perfume?" Charlie suggested. "Was there a specific perfume she used? Or did you talk about... smelling nice?"

"No, not that I remember," I said with a sigh.

Charlie bit her lip. "Well, I called you strong and sweet. Could it be that?"

I frowned. "No, I don't think so..."

She hesitated, and gently rubbed my hand. "If you want to stop thinking about it, we can."

I shook my head. "No, I'm okay."

My therapist had told me I should try to identify the thoughts that triggered me. That way I could begin to control them. I'd told Charlie about this a few days into camp, after a different episode.

I'd broken down after running out of the kitchen on clean up duty. Everyone in camp was supposed to pitch in at least once and clean the cafeteria and plates after meals, and I was more than happy to help out. Then we finished clearing the tables and I turned to do the dishes and completely broke down, transported right back to a completely different kitchen sink.

All the other kids thought I was just being over dramatic for the sake of getting out of kitchen duty, but Charlene believed me, and helped to calm me down outside.

Since then, she'd witnessed me crack more than a few times, and had helped me get to the bottom of most of them.

This one, though, I couldn't figure out.

I tried not to freak out about that.

"Anyway," Charlene said, lying back down. I followed suit. "Emma came up to me earlier, all flustered or whatever. Apparently she saw Marley and Adam sitting together by the stream in their free period, and felt I needed to know."

I scoffed. "What, that they were sitting together? Crime against humanity, that one."

She giggled. Then, in a more serious tone she said. "I wish he'd just get over himself and dump me already. This whole situation is killing me."

I murmured in agreement. "Me too. But I don't understand why you don't just dump him, if you're so over it."

She sighed. "I don't know. I guess I'm just scared to let go."

I bit my lip. In truth, I understood what she was saying. It was just hard to hear.

"What are you thinking?" She said and I glanced across at her, confused. She gave me a concerned look and said, "You look upset about that, Phil. What's on your mind?"

I was quiet for a minute, unsure of whether I should open up. After a moment, I relented. "I guess it just makes me feel bad, you know?"

She frowned. "No, I'm not sure I do."

"It's just- it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you." I said. "Like he is... better than me somehow."

"Oh, baby," she murmured, shifting so she was closer to me, curled against me so her mouth was near my ear. In a whisper she spoke, "You are more than good enough for me. More than I could ever deserve."

A shiver ran down my spine, my skin tingling as her breath graced my neck. I leaned into her and shut my eyes. Her hand began to down my body, tracing my sides lightly, before slipping beneath my baggy tee. I gasped as her cold hands touched my warm stomach and she giggled.

Then, I heard a stick snap somewhere nearby and I bolted upright.

"What was that?" I said quickly. She gently squeezed my hand.

"My guess is, a squirrel," she said, "or some other woodland creature. Nothing that would hurt you, and definitely not a person, or they would make a lot more noise than that."

I let out a small breath of air. "You're right. I'm sorry, I'm just a little bit on edge, I guess."

She nodded and smiled gently. "I know, and that's understandable given what you've been through. But trust me, no ones around, baby. We're completely alone. So..."

She trailed off and gently began to push me to the ground, manoeuvring so she was on top of me. In a sultry voice she said, "Let's stop talking already and let me show you how much better you are than my sleazy boyfriend."

And even though I still felt highly strung, and we were lying in the dirt under a bridge, and anyone could walk along at any moment and catch us, I let it all go.

I gave myself to Charlene, and she took care with it.

I can't tell you how much I needed that.