2022 WATTYS SHORTLISTED || After being forced into a marriage by her devoutly religious parents, Aspen's husband is diagnosed with a life-limiting illness, and she must find her purpose as well as fight feelings for her husband's nurse. || Aspen Wat...
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The first time I saw Joel, he was standing with his mum, Monica, at the door of our flat. Neither of us got into student housing, so I found him in our university social media group. He was looking for a flatmate, and so was I. Both of us were doing similar degrees, and it just fell into place. Living with a man wasn't what my parents wanted; my mum refused, but my father rolled his eyes and gave in. Mum eventually gave in, as long as Dad gave Joel and me a list of Church of England rules I had to live by. We both quickly forgot them when Joel brought out the alcohol.
The first thing that attracted me to my husband was the way he treated me. Joel respected the way I was brought up, and yet he respected that I wanted to live differently. He didn't judge me; instead, he asked me if I believed in what my father said, and when I said I didn't think so, he smiled and promised me I would live the free life I wanted to.
It didn't take me long to fall under his spell of temptation and want something I knew I shouldn't have. But then, if I never fully believed in religion and the Church of England rules my parents decided they wanted, I never really did sin.
Either way, the fact remains that I know I love Joel.
I do love him, despite our marriage having been pushed on us.
I do love him, even though we had to mature together quickly.
I do love him, despite always feeling this invisible thread of doubt between us.
I do love him, even though we rarely show it.
I know I love him, and either way, I know I have to make this work.
But that's the question: what do I believe in? The sanctity of marriage? To me and Joel, marriage is just being legally tied together and not about love. It was a punishment for giving into temptation and desire. I see all the celebrity weddings and all I see are loved-up looks, hand-holding, white dresses and talk of being in love. Not once do they mention the law or marriage being sacred in belief.
Our marriage was done in the church with only three witnesses: Mum, Dad, and Joel's mum. I remember Monica's tight-lipped pout the full day, the way she glared at my mum, and the tears that fell from her eyes when Joel muttered his way through his vows like he was embarrassed.
Mum told me once that marriage is the ultimate religious commitment to someone, and we should never do it in vain, or without understanding the values and commitment involved. Apart from God, your spouse should be your worshipped one, she told me.
Given that, and all Joel and I have been through, I don't even know if I believe in love or marriage. Marriage, being the sacred thing that my mum says it is, was forced on us as a punishment. Why would God think that a sacred, valued thing should be a form of punishment?
