My Blossoming Redemption

THIRTY-NINE

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Since Joel had his first seizure three months ago, sleep has been like an old acquaintance that I move further and further away from. Since he died, that acquaintance has been forgotten about until I didn't know the person anymore. I still don't.

Last night was the first night since that day that I slept like... well, like a kitten, I suppose. Those things can sleep for twenty hours a day, and they could sleep through a hurricane. They say orgasms help you sleep, and my word, did it.

Or it could be the fact that I finally gave into temptation and had sex with Nick. Well, for me, it was more like lovemaking. I've always hated that stupid phrase 'making love', it sounds like something from a sickening romance book. But it was what last night was in a way; it was passion, lust and love all rolled into one.

The light snores escape his parted mouth, and I stare at those closed eyes. His eyelashes are long and brown. I remember reading somewhere that only people with light blonde hair will have blonde eyelashes and brows. Nick has dirty blonde hair, so it makes sense that his are dark. He has little freckles across the bridge of his nose that I've only noticed when I'm close to him. Each one is perfect in its own way, but together they make the roadmap of his face, smoothed out with sleep and contentment. That roadmap tells the story of his life, and I know he's been through so much, and seen so much with those amber eyes.

I want to know everything and listen to what he's done; know every crevice of his skin, every dent in his life, everything he's got to say. I know Nick could tell me everything in every kind of way, yet it still wouldn't be enough.

With my index finger, I trace the map of his freckles – so faint and perfect. He stirs ever so lightly, his eyes crinkling, his lips closing and opening again. I instantly move my hand back and let him settle back to sleep.

He's the perfect jewel, the brightest star, the shiniest prize, and he's all mine.

Sin. Sin. Sin. Sin.

I furrow my brow. I don't think I'll ever fully be rid of my mother's religion or the cult-like chanting from my mind. No matter what I'll do, she'll always be there, telling me I'm wrong in every way.

Nothing I've ever done is a sin. I know that now. Getting to know Nick and seeing a fresh side of life has made me realise I don't believe. I'm just... human. I've made mistakes – lots of them. But that doesn't mean I should atone or make up for what I've done. I've lived through the consequences; I've built on and learnt from them.

But if what I did last night was a sin with Nick, then I'm ready for my trip down to Hell. I know it was a sin in my mum's opinion. Especially when Joel died not long ago. I emotionally cheated on my husband when he was alive and now, I've moved on incredibly quickly.