Welcome To My Life

Chapter 19

A few days earlier…

It’s 4:30 in the morning. I exit my room slowly, silently, trying not to wake anyone. I shut my door soundlessly and turn to the staircase. I descend the stairs, on my way to the pool. I approach the kitchen door that I am forced to pass through. There are voices inside. I stop once I get close, shamefully eavesdropping.

“Natalie, why do you keep trying?” a male voice says. After a few seconds I’m able to recognize it’s Jordan.

“I have to. What else am I to do? Throw her out on the street?” Natalie demands, sounding broken and strong simultaneously.

“No, Nat. Listen to me. I’m not asking you to send her away, I love her and I’m glad she’s here with us. But you need to stop trying to… do whatever you’re doing.” There’s a long pause before Jordan continues. “What exactly are you doing?”

“I’m… look, you weren’t there. You didn’t live in that house with that woman. We never had heat in the winter. We never had food in the fridge. It was all a… a fend-for-yourself type world in that house. I saved myself by getting out, by making something of myself. But Hayley… Hayley needs saving. I can save her, I know I can.”

My mouth drops open. That’s what this is about? She doesn’t want to fix what she did by leaving me at all, does she? She just doesn’t get it. I didn’t need her then, and I don’t need her now.

“Natalie… don’t you think that’s a little harsh? I mean, you hear what Hayley always says, ‘I didn’t need you then and I don’t need you now.’ Remember? I think you need to… lay off of her. She has – I hate to say it – a right to be ticked off at you, and at the world around her.”

Wait, he thinks I’m mad at the world? I’m not even that angry. I’m only angry at Natalie, because she acts all high and mighty after ditching her family.

“She has a right to be ticked off at me? How?” Natalie demands.

“Nat. You’re rich now, right? Did you send them money? Even if you did, you know yourself your mother would’ve taken it and used it for drugs. Why didn’t you use that little window trick you told me about and leave some money for Hayley? You know she was the one working, the one paying bills, the one buying food. She was only a kid, Nat.”

The window trick. I remember that. Natalie and I found a window in our room that would open even when locked. We would use it so Natalie could sneak out and go to work at night. Our mother was still sober some of the time when Natalie was there, so she’d wake up in the night if the door opened. Before we learned the trick, she caught Natalie leaving and screamed at her.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Mom had demanded.

“To work! Since you never do! Someone has to feed us,” Natalie yelled back, her face turning red.

“Natalie Rose Granger. That’s it, go to your room right now. I am your mother, I can take care of you, and I already do! Look around, there’s heat and the television works. I know you were really trying to go to a party. I’m a good mother!”

At this, Natalie exploded. She yelled at our mother for what felt like forever, before storming back upstairs. The next morning, our mother was gone, and when she came back things became worse than ever.

I shook the memory from my brain. Natalie wasn’t sticking up for both of us then, only for herself. Just like now. She’s not keeping me here because she wants me, she wants it for herself. To clear her conscience.

“I know,” Natalie says, bringing me back to reality. “I know I could’ve helped, but I didn’t. I need to save her.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want saving,” Jordan argues, quickly skyrocketing his popularity with me.

“But maybe she does, and she just doesn’t know it. Maybe she needs me. She needs a mom, Jordan. A good mom.”

“She needs a few friends. She needs to be understood,” Jordan argues, “and you pushing to make her love you and forgive you for everything is probably just hurting her chances at saving herself. Maybe she’s strong enough to save herself.”

“I know she is,” Natalie says, “but I’m afraid of how she’ll do it.”

I let out a silent sigh. I’m done listening to the conversation now, and I’ve lost my urge to swim. I turn around and walk up the stairs to my room silently, a bad feeling about the week to come shaking inside my core.