Morose ✔️

1

I stared at the movements in the water. It glistened up at me, reflecting the lights from the street lamps behind me. Everything but the river hurt. It was like my heart had been ripped out and thrown into a burning bucket, leaving a giant hole in my chest that I didn't know what to do with.

It had already been a few months, but it still made me physically ill, it still threatened to turn any day upside down, it could still ruin everything when it came flashing back to me. The only solution I thought of as I stood by the river, all alone, was to just take one more step past the stone curb and fall. Then it would all be over, I didn't have to suffer anymore.

Nothing could be remotely as bad as what I was living through. All the questions I had, but could never have an answer to haunted my dreams. All the pain and shock from that night came back in waves, leaving me with so many different reactions. And I never knew which reaction would surface the next time I thought of it, the next time I woke up panting in the middle of the night. All the what if's of it all drove my mind crazy. What if I did this. What if I did that. Would it matter?

There was nothing I could have done, that was what they all said, and to some extent I believed it, to some extent I knew it was true... But there I was, staring at the probably cold, deep river, contemplating suicide.

Had I only been there.

Had I only called when I wanted to.

Had I only...

I sniffled. Sobbed. My insides were being pulled through a grinder again and again as I slowly lost the strength in my legs for the umpteenth time. I fell to the floor, the stone curb split open my knees, but the pain was barely even noticeable with everything else that was going on inside me. If anything, the pain was a welcome, slight distraction from the open wound in my chest.

Leaning forward, I looked down at the tempting water; the small waves that splashed against the artificial river bank made me oddly thirsty, and made me want to jump in. It was like a siren's call, pulling me down, closer, closer...

A few deep breaths.

Closed eyes.

Yes.

"Livy? Is that you?"

The familiar voice echoed in my mind for several seconds before I realized it came from the real world, and not inside my head. I turned my head slightly, just enough to see the silhouette of a person behind me in my peripheral vision. Then I looked back at the water.

Damn this small town where everyone knows everyone, I thought, before I half-heartedly replied, "No," in a slightly disguised voice. All the sorrow, all the pain, had turned into anger. A part of me knew I wouldn't be doing what I planned to that night after all, and I grasped the stone on the ground.

"What are you doing?" the voice asked again, just before I felt a hand on my shoulder, and my eyes started to leak, unable to hold in the disappointment, the anger, the stupidity, any longer. "God, Livy, you look awful."

Not exactly the compliment I needed, but at least he was honest. He always was.. I barely saw his golden locks shine from the street lamp through my blurry vision, but I didn't need to in order to know he was my neighbor. My friend— at least he was once.

"Across the street, three houses over," I mumbled to myself, remembering my mom's words as she told me where to drop off the serving tray after our impromptu welcome party when we first moved to town. It was more to keep myself sane as he assessed the situation than to him, his breath going shallow as realization hit him.

"Yeah, that's right, it's me," Jesse said, his voice as chipper and light as he could manage. Maybe even reassuring. His hands were cold as he cupped my face. "I heard what happened, I'm so sorry, I should've been in touch, I—"

I cut in before he could utter another word about it. "Don't." I was tired of it. Of everything. Especially of hearing the sorry's and the I don't know what to say's. I went on to ease the tension and give myself some space, "I just wanna take a bath."

I turned my head away from him and his hands, once again leaning towards the river bank as if it was my lifeline. It felt like it was at the time, the only thing that gave me a purpose— albeit a short lived one. I put my hands on the ground, pulling myself towards the edge, but Jesse held me back by my waist.

No.

I sobbed again. "Let me go." My voice cam out broken, barely audible, as I fought to hold on to the edge and push myself over it. I didn't have it in me to keep going much longer. I was drained— empty.

"Come on, this isn't you," he stated, like he knew me. "I won't let you do this. You'd kick my ass in the afterlife if I do."

I would, if I was the same person I was before. I was far from it, so I spat back at him with probably much more force than necessary, "You don't know me anymore!" I was hoping I'd see a flash of hurt in his blue eyes, a sort of hint that he was sorry he hadn't spoken more than five words to me for years, but there was nothing there, lest I missed it.

He grunted at my weak efforts to get away from him, and got to his feet. He dragged me with him easily as soon as I realized I'd wasted my energy by thrashing against him. He pulled the string from his hoodie off and tied it around our wrists, like makeshift handcuffs. I was stuck. It was over.

So I changed my mind. I stopped fighting and knew I'd have to reschedule, plan it a lot better, and not hesitate.

"Now make a choice," he offered, "if you go, I go. Just like when we were kids." His tone was serious, cold even. His eyes only amplified it when I looked up at them, wiping my own to rid them of the salty sting, my sleeves running over my cheeks and nose as well.

God, if only the person walking by me would've been someone who didn't know me, or how to get under my skin. Or someone who wouldn't fucking tie themselves to me like a child. I gathered what energy I had left in me to rolled my eyes, before starting to walk in the direction I came from. I came to a halt, however, when he didn't follow. I turned to roll my eyes again, but he had a stupid grin on his face and said, "Nah, we're going this way."

He turned to walk in the other direction, away from the center of town, away from my apartment and people and life, away from everything. I was curious, I wanted to ask him about his destination, but he kept going in silence, tugging my wrist after him, and I kept following.

Curiosity. About something that was about to happen. Something in the future.

Lead dropped into my stomach. My feet dragged even though I willed them so hard to keep going so I wouldn't be dragged along the asphalt by my very determined friend. And my mind went blank, completely blank and empty, as I realized where we were going.

No.

No, no, no.