A Letter To My Lost Lover // DNF

8

TW: Mention of suicide
Please do not read of this triggers you at all.

I was gone for a few weeks and when I came back you weren't okay, you looked sick and sad it made my heart break in half. I remember us talking about it and crying while holding each other. I promised I wouldn't leave you.

I stayed at Nick's place for a few weeks until I decided to finally go back into my apartment. I used a spare key I had to open the door, and it looked like I never left. It seemed very still and quiet.

"Clay?" I say. It was still silent, and I walked into it and once I closed the door I saw Clay standing there looking very sick.

His eyes were very puffy and his eyes were full of tears, his skin looked a little lighter from usual, his nose was red, he didn't look healthy.

"Love," I walk over to him and cup his cheek.
"Hi, honey." He seemed to melt into my touch.
"Are you okay?"
"I've been better."
"You look sick,"
"I know." I open my arms and he falls into them. I heard him start to cry while he was in my arms, I started to cry too.

"I missed you so much." He said with his voice hoarse.
"I missed you too." I say burying my face into his shoulder.
"Where did you go?" He asked, pulling away.
"Nick's place."
"Why didn't come back sooner?"
"I didn't think I was ready to see you again."

He looks down and licks his lips.

"The world is an ugly, and I hate seeing it in such a terrible place." He sniffles and takes some deep breaths.
"I don't really plan on staying here much longer." He looks back up at me. I wiped the tears that were falling down his face.
"Why not?"
"I don't enjoy living anymore."
"But if you leave, we'll remember you like this. I don't want that, your mom doesn't want to remember you like this, not even your sister. We care about you and we all love you so much." His eyes showed pain and sadness. My heart just broke in half to see him in this state.

"I love you so much."
"I love you too." He says with a smile. It looked forced yet so real.

---

"It felt so real to see him like this, he was so sad yet he seemed to be happy for me."
"Did you feel like you caused it?"
"Yes, or I had some part in it. I felt guilty for leaving him."
"Do you think if you didn't leave him, he'll still be with you?"

I nod.

"I don't think you should be guilty for the outcome of what happened. You're not responsible for someone's happiness, you can play a role for it but you are not responsible for making someone else feel happy."
"I understand, but I just feel guilty for not making him feel better after what he told me. It's him feeling like a burden that hurts me the most."
"He told you that?"
"He implied it." 

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Hey everyone make sure you drink something to stay hydrated (mostly drink water) and take care of yourselves