A Letter To My Lost Lover // DNF

7

But when we moved in together, you changed. You were different. You were less happy, and you weren't the happy guy I knew and loved. You closed me out like you never loved me before. We fought more often and it always ended with us not talking for the rest of the day, then we apologized at the end of the night.

Clay was working late tonight, he seemed to do that more often since we moved in together. We would go to work together, I would leave around 4 and he would stay until 9 and then he would just go straight to bed. He always says it's because it's a project, but in reality our projects last at least a month and his project is lasting 3 months. I'm sitting on the couch, then I hear the door open and I turn around.

"Hi baby, what are you doing up so late?" He says groggy. He looked exhausted.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"About what?" I stand up and walk up to him.
"Are you really working?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've been working late all the time, and on the same stupid project."
"And what's the problem?"
"I never see you anymore, you're valuing work over your fucking boyfriend!"
"Well I'm sorry that I have to work to actually make a living!"
"So you rather work instead of seeing me?" I yell at him.
"You're so delusional."
"Delusional? How?"
"You think I value work over you."

"Because you are!"
"Don't accuse me for something I'm not doing! You need to stop being such a bitch."
"A bitch? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Nothing. You're the problem!" He storms into our bedroom and slams the door. I feel tears start to come to my eyes and I just feel so gutted. We don't usually fight, but it's starting to get worse everyday. I spent an hour to let Clay and I to have some space, then I came into the room to see him facing away from my side of the bed. I laid down into my spot and Clay didn't move.

"Clay?" He didn't respond, but I knew he was awake. "I want to apologize, I let my temper get the best of me. I didn't mean anything I said." He turns around to face me.
"It's okay, I shouldn't have been mad either. I'll try to get out of work earlier."

That's not the first time we fought.
We fight every other day and everytime we always fought the more you started to become more secretive. It was a cycle that we can't seem to escape, I wanted to break the cycle but everytime we would break it, the worse it got.

I would always apologize and it seems like that both of our apologies seem to be not as genuine. You faded away, I don't know what hurt more;

The way we were drifting or me being the reason he was like this.

It was a vicious cycle that never stopped and I was tired of it, so I left, I left you. We both agreed to have some space between us but in reality I know you needed me there. That's what I regret most, leaving you.

"Clay you know I hate when we fight." I say with my voice cracking.
"Then why are we fighting then? We always fight and we seem to never got along."
"Maybe we need some space then."
"Fine, go do that."

I purse my lips and head to our bedroom.

"George?"

I grabbed a suitcase and started to grab my clothes and stuff them into a suitcase.

"George what are you doing?" I hear the hurt in his voice and the tears start to form into my eyes. "George." He grabs onto my shoulder so I face him.
"I said that we needed space and you agreed so that's what I'm doing. Giving you space."
"No George. It was just in the heat of the moment, please don't leave." I turn around and continue to pack.
"I don't want to leave either, but I think it's the best for the both of us." I zip up my suitcase and start to head out of the apartment.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know,"
"George, please." His voice was so shaky and vulnerable. "Please, please don't leave me." He says grabbing onto my arm. I pull away.
"I'll see you around Clay." I close the door and still hear Clay pleading that I stay. I really did want to stay but I knew that it would be best if we had some space.

•••

"Hey thank you again for letting me stay." I say sighing.
"Of course," he says, setting up a bed for me. I decided to stay at my friend, Nick's house because he's one of the only friends I got. Even though we don't talk as often, he's the one person that actually made the effort to make sure I'm okay.

"So what happened."
"Clay and I got into an argument and we both agreed to have some space from each other."
"I'm sorry."
"It's for the best." I sigh. He sits next to me on the bed and puts an arm around me. I feel the tears come to my eyes and I start to cry into his shirt while Nick is rubbing back to comfort me.

---

I started to cry in my hands and my therapist handed me a tissue and I wiped my tears.

"I regret leaving him so much. He was in a bad state and I didn't even notice when I left."
"It's not your fault, having space to breathe is okay to have in a relationship." She writes something down. "Did you guys technically break up?"
"No, we were on a break I guess. I don't know what we were, but I know we didn't break up."
"Do you think if you broke up it would have made it worse?"
"I don't know, we've been together for so long at that point that I've never seen him like that. So if I left him I don't think it would have helped."

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So Sapnap is in the book now lol. Umm yeah, I'll try to update as much as possible but my internet has kept dropping for no reason so I'll try my best to type