Finally Free

46

C A R T E R | give me the pain

I sit on the beanbag in my room waiting for Sophia to wake up again. Reflecting on what happened last night I realize, I'm not mad, I'm not disappointed, I'm just frustratingly concerned.

I don't want her to fall apart. I'm getting exhausted at having to say that. So here I am waiting for my emotionally unavailable girlfriend to wake up. It's not her fault, none of this is but I can't help her if she can't help herself. She has to tell her mom what happened, no matter how badly she doesn't want to and I know this could make me lose her again.

I hear a soft groan escape her lips from the bed as she stirs awake. "Carter?" She rasps, I love her morning voice. She looks incredibly hungover, but still beautiful as ever.

Saying nothing I just take a seat right next to her. "Did last night really happen?" Her voice wavers and I can see the events of last night playing out in her eyes. I nod solemnly and I watch the five stages of grief play out on her face. "Shit what am I supposed to do?"

"We'll figure it out." I reply before grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen. "Wait, isn't it Monday?" She asks when I come back. "Yeah, I called the school, told them we're taking a sick day. Since we're 18 I think we don't need a parent's approval." She nods, sipping from the glass of water. I let her process for a few minutes, an almost inaudible hum coming from her lips.

Here comes the painful truth. "Sophia this may not be what you want to hear right now but we have to tell your family what happened."

"No I can't." She whimpers, shaking her head. "I know but it won't end well if you lie to them."

She stands up, I feel her growing hostile. "Carter, how the fuck am I supposed to just walk into my house and be like, "Hey family guess what I got absolutely wasted last night and drove drunk because my rapist is out of prison." I forgot how much it stings when she's blunt like that.

"Sophia you can't keep this from them. You know that." She huffs angrily and walks to the other side of my room. "I'm not telling them Carter, end of story." She plops herself down on the beanbag I was just sitting in. She looks at me with crossed arms, not saying a word for at least five minutes. For those painful five minutes we just look at each other.

I've spent a lot of time with the Carrington's, so much time that I've picked up on their little quirks. One of them being that they are annoyingly stubborn. Sophia is displaying that trait right now. Once Paige made a joke about Liam never being able to finish his death star model alone and he spent 3 weeks working on it with no sleep. Whenever someone offered to help he would just tell them to go away.

"Okay this is ridiculous." I break the silence, knowing she wouldn't. "The only person you are hurting is yourself for lying to them." I shoot at her, maybe regretting it. "How much more hurt can I already inflict on myself? Besides how do you know what would hurt me and them?" I scoff at her words.

"Sophia I have spent every waking minute with you since we started dating, I know more about you than I know about myself. How could you question that?"

"This situation is sensitive." She defends and I understand where she's coming from, but she can't keep this defensive structure up, I don't want her to, not around me.

"Sophia you have to stop closing off the people who care about you. I know that putting up a wall and brushing your problems aside is your way of walking through life but it's not healthy." Before I can finish my thought she gets up and walks out of my room. "Where are you going?" I yell after her.

"Relax, it's noon. I haven't eaten in over 12 hours." She gives me an incredulous look and grabs an orange from the counter.

She plops down in a seat at my kitchen table and starts aggressively peeling the orange. "Your mom can help you, Liam and Paige can help you." I try to reason with her but she just angrily stuffs orange slices into her mouth. "You mom can definitely reach out to someone and see if they can do something about the message."