Finally Free

18

C A R T E R | temptation is a sin

I arrive home with a sigh as I walk through the door. Nat is sitting on the couch, watching The Office. I get an uninterested hey from her. "How was your day?" I ask, deciding to be the social one. "I fucking hate 7th grade but who doesn't." She blows a raspberry, pausing the TV.

"Enjoy it because it only gets worse." She groans at what I just said and turns the TV back on. "Nice talking to you too." I mutter, knowing full well she can hear me and is probably rolling her eyes.

I have a shit ton of Pre Calculus homework and this headache of a project to get done. Might as well start now. I go into my room and immediately play music through my speaker. 

Gold, Guns, Girls by Metric blasts when I get a volume warning from Nat.

Sophia's notebook falls out of my bag when I open it. I place it on my nightstand, knowing better than to read it.

For the next hour I struggle through my Pre Calc, glancing at the notebook every 5 seconds. It's just sitting there, basically asking me to read it.

I'm not a nosy person, despite what Chloe might say, but I know absolutely nothing about Sophia. How bad could it be?

For all I know it could just be song notes because I saw her using it earlier at lunch.

I'm like Nat when she says she's going to start a diet. For two months it was, "One more cookie." or "I'll start tomorrow."

I'm like that right now. 

Just one page won't hurt. 

Mi mama would kill me if she saw what I'm going. Is temptation a sin? If it is, I'm going to hell.

I can just hear the tiny white notebook squealing, "Open me Carter." "Read me." 

I'm a horrible fucking person because next thing I know, I shoot up out of my seat and the notebook is in my hands.

I open the first page and start reading. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Dear Diary,

So they're forcing me to do this. I don't want to. Why should I have to rehash the pain of the past on paper? I already have to live with the memories everyday. I guess I'm supposed to write how I feel but it's the same everyday.

Numb.

I found an old box of paracetamol in the back of my socks drawer today. They paralyzed me. I could barely breathe. I just sat on the floor and cried because it took everything in me to not stuff all of them down my throat.

Eventually Paige found me and helped me up but that was pretty much my day.

Will it ever get better?

Probably not.

-Sophia

Oh shit. I can't continue. I shouldn't. Drug problems? I flip the page. 

This next one makes me wish I had never opened it.

Dear Diary,

Why did he have to do this to me?