yestoday {kim doyoung}

30

after all this time, you're still the only one for me

to jirin, the the girl i've dedicated all my love to,

i apologize. there are so many things i've done to hurt you... and to hurt the possibility of us. i've loved you long before you met any of the other gang members. you might not remember, but i was undercover at your university on the first day of medical school for you. back then i had no idea who you were but you took my breath away. you had came in late for the first lecture of the semester and kept bowing to the professor and apologizing. i remember smiling and thinking that you were cute. even after the mission was finished, i kept coming back to the university just to see if i could run into you and get you to notice me. everyday, i parked by bike against the apple tree in front of the lab that you always worked in and hoped that you would turn and glance at me. you never did. i was such a fool, if i had approached you, i'm sure we would've sparked something a lot sooner. instead, i gave up and stopped visiting. the next time i saw you was when doyoung introduced you to us as his girlfriend. that was the first time you noticed me and when you smiled i knew i was done for. i was in love with my best friend's girlfriend and the sad part was i liked you before he ever came into the picture. i was always shy whenever you came over and while the other boys got closer to you, i was scared to get to know you. but you persisted and insisted on becoming my friend. jirin, you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and i didn't know it until it was too late. the year that you broke up with doyoung and didn't contact us, it felt like i was the one you had left. i stayed in my room when i wasn't on missions and talked to no one. i missed your smile so much that it hurt. when i finally started going out again, i always lingered at places i knew you would appear at. when i saw you again on that rainy day, i felt so happy just to see you. i told myself not to screw it up a second time and win your love fair and square. i fucked it up so many times and i hate myself for not being able to be the one by your side. you're gone now, and i know you've run away from me and i've never hated someone the way i hate myself in this moment. i blamed you for something that was out of your control and i apologize. i apologize for letting you go and for not being able to love you selflessly the way you cared for me. when you finally find your way back home to the gang... and to doyoung, please don't feel guilty. i have too many regrets to continue staying in this cruel without you by my side. to you i wish the greatest happiness you could possibly find, my love.

from, jaehyun.

jirin clutched the letter in her hands tightly as she cried her heart out. it had been hours since her encounter with jaehyun's grave and the curiosity had gotten the best of her when she ventured into jaehyun's locked room. 

it pained her even more to finally know that he had loved her for so long. 

she looked around the room and it really showed how much he cared about her. he had framed multiple pictures of them together and placed them around the room. the small gifts that she had gifted him here and there were on display on the dresser, as if he found them too precious to use. 

she used this time to cry her heart out for him. he didn't deserve to leave the world so early and at this moment she missed him more than ever. 

~

doyoung stepped through the front door of the house after taking a walk and paused at a pair of neatly stacked shoes. they were too familiar and when it hit him, he ran through the house, ignoring the boys calling after him.

jirin was here.

those were her shoes.

she was here for him. 

to say it broke doyoung's heart to find jirin in jaehyun's room was to say the very least. he watched from the door as she read the letter and then cried by herself.