𝐏𝐨𝐫𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐃𝐨𝐥𝐥 | 𝐉𝐚𝐞𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐠

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐈𝐈: 𝐎𝐡, 𝐈'𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐫𝐲

We've been practicing for six hours and the effects of not eating for some time now have already taken a tool on my body. I'm really hungry and tired, but I can't eat even if I want for basically two reasons. One, I am being punished by the dance teacher because I have been messing up the dance so I can't take a break and two if I eat I will gain more negative thoughts than I already have, so no thanks.

"Taeyong, stop. You are messing this up again. What is wrong with you? You should be able to get this done in five minutes but you can't even do it in six hours?! Do you even practice anymore or you became a narcissistic brat that thinks he mr perfect!?"

"Sir-"

"Shut up Taeyong. If I see you go home before 3 a.m. I'll make practice for three days non-stop. Now go in this practice room alone and learn these dances. If you are going to be like this again tomorrow, you don't want to know what is going to happen. Take your things and go."

"Yes sir. Sorry sir. I'm going now sir."

I bowed five times a took my bag and went to the small practice room. I quickly began dancing it was around 2:30 a.m. when I was done with the dances. I still have eaten nothing and I'm pretty sure I'm going to pass out.
I slowly make it to my bag with sore muscles and blurry vision and take out 3 energy bars I packed this morning.
Without even noticing I ate all of them and I could see clearly again. But when I realized what I've done, I felt worse than ever.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

Are you an idiot? What the fuck did you do? How much did you eat!? Three bars?! Did you even count the calories!? You ate 500 calories, you destroyed all your hard work, you are never going to lose weight, your members are going to be so disappointed in you, you are not going to be pretty when you dance, you will always be ugly. Puke it now. Puke it. Puke it. You've done this before. Do it again. Do you piece of shit.

Puke it.

Puke it.

Puke it.

Puke it.

Do it you idiot, before it's too late. What are you sacred? You should be more scared about the fat. Don't be a fucking coward do it. Puke it.

I'm sorry. How did I eat so much. Everyone must hate me. I have to puke it. I have to. I must.
With disoriented mind I run into a stall. I shove my two fingers down my throat and try to vomit.
It's not working at first, but then thinking how relieving would feel if I vomited and shoving my fingers down more aggressively, I start to feel the acid going up. A sappy taste comes in my mouth and the next thing I hear is the evil sound of vomit hitting the floor and the toilet.

⚠️ END OF TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

After 20 minute of this I feel less guilty and the voice in my head for the first time in almost a week shuts up, I had forgotten how easily I could get rid of it just by doing what it says. It is almost 4 a.m and I decide to start walking home to try and catch at least 2 or 3 hours of sleep.

After a 3 mile walk and a quick shower I am starting to drift off, feeling excited about being able to finally sleep. But it didn't last long as the voice made its appearance again in my messy brain.

You know... you did good today. You followed what I said and I let you have some time of peace but don't get used to it.

Am I hallucinating or you are being good?

Oh shut up. I'm always good. You are just ungrateful to anyone.
Now, now, I think that tomorrow after your work at the studio and the practice with your band mates you must go exercise a little. You know make this fat go. Look how chubby you have became. You so have to lose weight. You have to be at least 90 pounds. You are what 134? Such a disappointment, no doubt why Jaehyun doesn't love you. Don't you dare eat breakfast tomorrow.

But you know how Donghyuck is. He is going to make me eat.

You stupid, you will play it off. Say something like
"Oh I'm not really hungry, I ate yesterday night so much after practice, I'm still full."
Yeah, that's pretty good, it sounds convincing to me.

But what if he doesn't believe me? You know that he can be a real detective sometimes.

Then I've shown you the right way to get rid of this nasty calories today. You can eat if he doesn't let you go and then go to your room to "change" and take a "shower".

You are right. Do you believe that way Jaehyun will love me again?

I know so. He will forgive you if you become beautiful. Your fans will love you if you lose weight.
Your parents wouldn't hurt you and hate you if you were thin. Your dad wouldn't hurt you if you were thin and not a crybaby. Your mum wouldn't kick you out if you weren't such a crybaby, clinging on everyone, while you don't stop talking. Everyone would love you if you were perfect and what does perfect mean dear?

Being thin. A porcelain doll.

That's right sweetpie. Being thin as a doll and fragile as a porcelain, while wearing an emotionless mask and a fake smile. We can do it sweets we can. Just trust me and let me take control so you can gain control of your life. Now fall down and start doing push ups, I'll start counting. We have one hour to burn this fat.

You are right. I can do this. I'll be perfect. I will do this. Thank you for being here when I'm all alone.

Taeyongie I'll always be there. Sitting in the dark waiting for you to come back to me. Now that you are smart, you are not going to leave again because you need me. You need me to guide you, to help you be perfect and loved, to help you take control. And if you follow my advice soon everything will be just fine.

𝐇𝐢! 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮? 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫? 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐚. 𝐀𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲. 𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭. 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐢'𝐦 𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠. 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐢'𝐯𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝. 𝐈'𝐦 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐨𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐲, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢'𝐦 𝐭𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐚 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐢 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬.
𝐒𝐨 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐦𝐞 :).

𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲/𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 <3

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