mixtape (reddie)

December 3rd, 1988

Dearest Tozier,

I had a really long talk with Beverly today. I asked why you do the things that you do, and if there were any things that I can do to make you change why you react to certain things so intensely. She was pretty evasive, she tiptoed around a lot of subjects, but I suppose I can't blame her. She's your best friend, she's just doing her job to keep your secrets.

But she did tell me to be patient.

Beverly told me about how you once ignored her for two weeks because she kissed your cheek and you thought you weren't worthy of it. I thought that was crazy, but she told me that was Richie Tozier. I guess you're not used to affection? Or maybe it's attention in general. I mean, I know this, but I didn't know you would try to reject it so harshly. I didn't rat myself out to her just yet, but I did try asking her what to do about the situation with Stan while making it sound as platonic as possible.

She told me to be patient again. I told her I didn't have time for her bullshit air-filled advice. She laughed and ruffled my hair and told me to cool it, so I did.

Beverly said that if Richie feels himself getting too attached to someone, he will distance them so that he does not feel too lost when they abandon him. She said that he expects it, so he always manages to stay prepared for worst case scenario. He's guarded and hardly honest, so it takes lots of patience and wearing down. All she said is that I need to prove to him I won't leave. So that's what I plan to do.

I read my journal entry from last Tuesday and I think I certainly overreacted. I don't have any proof that you like Stan, you're just making new friends and I think I grew jealous. It was stupid of me to be so dramatic and go to such awful extents, I shouldn't have compared myself to Henry Bowers or say that you broke my heart, because you didn't. You just folded it a little, but I'm smoothing out the edges so it will be okay.

I think I'm afraid of being replaced. I will be as patient as you want me to be, Richie, but I am afraid that I will end up as forgotten and bitter as Henry. I know you didn't make him that way, but I still fear that falling out of love will release that chemical into my brain that makes me become a psychopath like him. I hope I don't. I really hope I don't.

I'm glad you and Stan are so close, it's good to see you two getting along. He absolutely hated you at first, but I think we all did based off of the rumors we were told (which were all totally not true, by the way!) I hope you guys remain close, because I think you're my two favorite people ever. I want you to be best friends, and I hope I am just patient enough to survive until you decide you want to be close with me again. I miss you, again, I know, but I can't help but feel this sour bittersweet taste on my tongue when I think about how cold my bed will be without you in it.

I think I want to show you some of my music, Richie. You're always introducing me to all these new songs and giving me tapes to listen to, but I haven't reciprocated that at all. I think you would really like some of the 50's music I love, or at least I hope you would. That was truly such a romantic era, sans the racism and blatant sexism. Still, despite that, those years produced some of the best vinyls that I am proud to own. I think they're all special songs, and I wouldn't mind showing them to someone like you.

The music is heavy with love, grooves in the vinyl flowing like rivers of passion, and I want nothing more than to hold your hand and get lost in the sickeningly honeysuckle sweet sounds of doo wop vibrations. Our backs on the carpet, our skin touching, our faces flushed like they're sunburnt from the ocean floor. I'd love to get lost with you, Richie. You're always the one controlling the tides, but for once, I want to spin my records and let you drown alongside me. What a heavenly, delightful thought to live in. I'll go pick out some vinyl to take over to your house.

I don't want to be mad at you much longer, because I truly do miss hanging out with you. I even miss your terrible jokes. I know I must be fatally screwed if I miss someone I see at lunch everyday, but sue me. I like you, I do, and I want to see your face every day, all the time, nonstop. I am trying to be patient, like Beverly said, but I just want you to be back here in my bed again so I can play these vinyls for you already. I want to get lost in the tunes with you, my dear. Please, come home soon.

hopefully yours,
Kaspbrak.