mixtape (reddie)

December 6th, 1988

Before you go any further, I'm sorry. If you ever, ever read this journal and you somehow manage to get this far, I'm so, terribly, incredibly sorry.

If you are Richie Tozier, you will look at the date and recognize what happened on this contrite day. I don't even want to recall the events because I am still in so much pain from the entire counter. I wish I had not spoken a single word today, but I did, and they're all words I can never take back.

I won't describe what happened. You remember. But, if it's 50 years from now and the words December 6th have no meaning to you, I will refresh your memory by saying this; movie theater bathroom stall.

I'm sorry about everything I said, Richie, I was just so, so tired of waiting. I know that a mere couple of days does not give me any excuse to be so completely unhooked, and there is no excuse as to why I acted the way I did. I just... I don't know. It was driving me crazy watching the way you held him as I thought about how that was once me. You were so soft, so fond, and it was very clear that I meant nothing to you in that moment. Your affections had officially shifted over to Stan, all because I followed Beverly's terrible advice and let you slip through my fingers.

I should have fought for you as it was happening. I should have made you stay. But, I fought when it was too late, and my words of passion only came out in the form of heartbroken insults as the image of you kissing Stan's neck looped in my brain. I could not stand the idea that... that... that you didn't want me, when every night I worship the mere idea of you. I should have fought for you before you could become so involved with Stan, but I fought too much, too late.

You didn't speak to me for the rest of the night, and I had to sit in the booth next to you at Curly's and act like things were okay while you and Ben shared a milkshake. I think Stan noticed that something was weird, because he kept asking things like "Eddie, what did you think of the movie? Richie thought it was cheesy" as if he was trying to get us to talk without much success. He tried, though, which makes me believe you were telling the truth when you told me you are just friends with him. Still, even so, it doesn't make it hurt any less that you still want him over me. What did I do so wrong? I know I can be... a handful at times, but this is the first time I have ever intentionally hurt you, and for that, I am so sorry. I truly am. I didn't mean for my words to cut so deep, but they did, and I might as well own up to it.

I don't have other options, by the way. I screamed Will's name at you in a petty attempt to see if you would even try to care, but I truly wish I hadn't. I felt heartbreak, Richie. I did. I felt heartbreak, and I saw it in the reflection of your eyes the moment you heard his name come out of my mouth.

He's just a friend, but I mean that. He's been my penpal since we were kids, he has a much more crazy life than I do. Things have been quiet from him lately, they have been since the accident he went through. He won't tell me much, but he does tell me about how he feels attracted to the boys at his school. I told him about you, and he wrote back and said that he doesn't feel what I feel towards anybody, but he's glad that I found a crush. I think I get it, you know? Will and I are helping each other figure out whether we prefer boys over girls, and I think that's what you and Stan are doing as well. I'm not sure how, but it's not a dynamic I need to understand, I don't think. Will is one of my best friends, and I'm truly grateful for him confessing to me so that I felt less alone. Maybe that's what Stan is doing for you, or vice versa. In that case, I'm truly very sorry I acted so possessive and insane. I shouldn't have, and I understand if you never want to see me again. I am disgusted by my own actions, and I never thought that I would become the type of person who tries to hurt my love interest the way that they hurt me.

I'm home now. I'm sitting on the couch next to my mom, the Murphy show is on. I don't know why she likes this show, but it's some background noise to help me think over what I did. I don't like reflecting on it, only because I feel too guilty.

The longer I sit here and write, the more I think I should call you. I think I will. I hope you pick up.

Okay, I'm back. I tried calling you, but you didn't pick up, so I don't think you're home. I'm a little worried about that, I don't know where else you would be- actually, never mind. I should have known you would be with Stan.

I called Mike instead because he knows how to make everything feel better. No matter what the situation is, he knows how to fix it. I told him about what I called you without including too much detail, and he asked what you did that made me so angry. I couldn't tell him it's because you moved on, but I wanted to. I think Mike already knew, because he told me a story.

Mike told me about his family down in Georgia. He told me about how they visit during the holidays, and how it always ends up as a disaster.

His great uncle is madly in love with his grandmother. He said that back in the fifties, they were going steady with one another. Then, Mike's grandpa came and swooped up his brother's girlfriend. Mike said that his great uncle hated his brother for that, the two got in plenty of fist fights over his grandmother. Then, a month away from graduating high school, his great uncle ran away to Georgia to live with their auntie. As time went on and Mike's grandparents had kids, it became harder and harder for Mike's great uncle to stand seeing them during the holidays. As his anger grew, so did Mike's grandma's.

The story ended with the great uncle losing his one true love in the end because he couldn't accept that she had moved on. Mike's grandmother wanted friendship, but she couldn't stand to be around someone who put her husband through so much pain. So, she confronted her former lover, and basically told him to fuck off.

I asked Mike how this would help me at all.

He said, "Don't lose the one you love just because you can't accept him loving someone else."

I think that makes a lot of sense. Mike always does. I don't ask how he knows about my feelings, or if I'm just that obvious, but either way he is so incredibly smart for a homeschooled kid.

I think I will heed his advice.

I don't wanna lose you, Richie. Not now, not ever. If Stan is the place that your affections may rest, then I will try to put my feelings aside just to support whatever endeavors make you happy.

I just don't want to lose you.

Eddie.