Tomorrow Will Come

Thirty nine

Mary was in an embarrassed rage the whole way home, refusing to talk, to acknowledge Daryl and Aaron and Magna's kind words. They slept at Hilltop that night, and Mary barely slept, her hands in tiny fists, ragged fingernails cutting into her blistered palms.
"Hey. Hey, kid." Jesus smiled gently that next morning, passing Mary some fruit and yogurt for breakfast. Mary breathed a thank you, then went and sat in a corner of the dining room, eating alone.
"Why are you so angry?" Magna asked, coming over and sitting by the girl as Mary watched Daryl talk to Connie, the pair of them laughing. Mary bit her lip, then stabbed a berry harshly, wrinkling her face.
"Not."
"Yeah, you're not. Just stabbin' fruit and looking like yer about to punch someone."
"Yeah. I'm angry. Angry and embarrassed," Mary snapped suddenly, "'cos nothing's the same. And for a second I had proof my dad was dead. And I cried like a baby and put us all in danger. For nothing. And it wasn't him and I'm back to square one, not knowing anything for certain. Just knowing nothing the same! And everything's crap and everything's changing all the time! Everyone's gone."
"Mary, you..."
"It's so shit! I want my dad, and Glenn, and Carl and Maggie! Not this!" Mary hissed, tossing her bowl aside, the broken berries blending into the yogurt, leaving a tinted mess along the carpeted floor, everyone staring at her as she stormed out of the room.

"You know," Nira whispered, walking over to Mary as she sat by Glenn's grave, "there's a whole line of people waiting to talk to you. For some reason I'm the one they've let through. I don't even know why."
Mary bit her lip, even more embarrassed than before. This was Jennie's mom. She didn't want Jennie's mom seeing her like this, seeing her this angry, this upset.
"I don't know what to say. There's not anything left to say. To help. 'Cos I wouldn't be able to accept not knowing where someone I love is either, and I'm crap at pep talks. But as a parent, I know your dad wouldn't want this. So come on. Let's go home."
"I hate leaving him."
"Who?"
"Glenn. I hate that he's here. Away from me. Maggie's not here. His people are at Alexandria."
"He's there, Mary. People aren't in the ground you left them in, they're everywhere. They're in you. They're in the water and air and trees. Not in a coffin in the ground. He's in you. Around you."
"But I don't know if my dad is, do I? He could be dead and around me. He could have been taken from me. He could have left me. I don't get to know. I never will."

When Mary got out of the cart at Alexandria, her mother hugged her tightly, waiting for her at the gate with her siblings, but after hugging her back slightly, she walked away wordlessly, Michonne staring in confusion.
"She... She's okay. She had a rough day yesterday." Aaron explained, telling Michonne the situation while Mary walked away, straight to the infirmary.
"What's wrong?" Siddiq asked as soon as Mary barged through the door, her feet kicking the skirting board, her face red.
"I want my dad," Mary hissed, her face screwed up and angry, "I want my dad, and my brother, and Glenn. I want my brothers. Carl. John and Adam."
"You're angry."
"Yeah, I'm angry! Everyone is dead or gone. And I miss them! I don't even remember most of my family, my first family. I know that John was good. He was good to me, but I can't remember him. I can't remember my biological mom, my cousins and aunts and uncles. I found out I'm adopted but they're all gone. Even if I wanted to meet them, I'd never be able to. I miss John. I don't even know if I properly remember him, but I miss him. I'm angry. And I can't get answers. I can't meet them. And my dad and brother are gone, and most of my friends. I know I have my mom, and Jude and RJ, but I still miss the others. It hurts, Sid. It hurts so much!"
"I know. I know, angel." Siddiq soothed, hugging her.
"They're never gonna meet Jennie. If I have kids, they'll never meet them. Never meet Jude and RJ's kids or anything. I'm angry! And everyone's moving on. But so many years on, I can't. I can't move on. Everyone's moved on. Daryl's... He has a new life. He has... He has Lydia and Connie. Everyone has new relationships. New kids and new girlfriends and boyfriends. And I'm stuck! Chasing after a dad that's probably dead, and crying over brothers that I only just remember."
"Daryl," Siddiq began slowly, "loves you and Judith and RJ. Over anyone."
"I know I sound jealous."
"I'd be jealous. He has new people now. It's normal that you do feel jealous and frustrated. But it's not just him."
"No. I know it isn't. It's..."
"It's everything." Siddiq nodded in understanding, and Mary nodded back.
"I just wish I was five again. And I had my dad and Carl and Glenn, and Negan hadn't killed John."
"I know."
"If I hadn't been so clingy to Glenn, John would probably be alive. If I had let Glenn go out alone that day, I'd have never seen him and Abraham die. I'd have never been taken by Negan, and John wouldn't have seen me. He saw me, and shouted out to me. Made a fuss. I would have if I was him too. If I hadn't been there, then he'd have probably met me for the first time just after the war. And my dad would have explained. Reunited us. And he'd be here now. I'm so angry."
"I know."
"I want him dead." Mary muttered angrily, making Siddiq freeze.
"Who?"
"Negan. I can't keep tolerating him being here. I want him dead."
"No. No, Mary."
"They'd all be here if it wasn't for him. Every last one of them, in a round about way. Dad, Carl, Glenn, John. He deserves to die. He should pay. Pay for what he did to me."