Tomorrow Will Come

Eleven

"Wanna pancake?" Mary called to the girl sat on her roof, opening the window widely. Jennie turned around to her and grinned.
"I'm okay. Brought you some breakfast, actually." Jennie smiled, as Mary climbed out of the window, and onto the roof beside Jennie, who passed her an apple.
"Thank you."
"No worries. You nervous about today?"
"A little," Mary admitted, "I guess it's the first big thing that's happened since I joined the council. Apart from you guys."
"Got a big legacy." Jennie commented, and Mary nodded back.
"Yeah. Yeah, I do. It's scary sometimes. Sometimes I feel like... I don't know, sometimes it's like I'm living my life to fill their legacy. And it's hard, because, like, what if I'm not doing good enough? If I'm not fulfilling their legacy enough?"
"I never met them," Jennie explained cautiously, "but I'd say that they're proud. Definitely. Why wouldn't they be?"
Mary could list a dozen reasons, but she didn't want to argue with the girl, and spill all of her deeply hidden insecurities. "Yours would be too." She settled on, and Jennie nodded back.
"Yeah, I hope so."
"D'you believe in Heaven?"
"I dunno. I don't think so. My mom was raised to believe in rebirth, you know, reincarnation, so I guess if I believe in anything, in any life, I probably believe in rebirth. Do you? Believe in an afterlife?"
"I want to. I wish I did." Mary admitted, and Jennie took her hand.
"It's okay to not know what happens. After you die. No one knows, not really. I mean, some people think they know, believe they know, but no one ever will know, not for sure, not until they die."
"But how come that doesn't bother you a little," Mary asked shakily, "how we're surrounded by death, all the time, but we don't know what happens after you die?"
"Sometimes we don't get to know." Jennie shrugged, and Mary nodded back.
"I like to think they can see me. See the stars," Mary confessed, "I don't know, when I was really little, like, four or so, my daddy, he promised that no matter what happens, no matter where we are, if we're ever apart, we'll be looking at the same stars. That's why I like being up here at night. Maybe wherever he is, he's looking at the same stars as me. Him and Carl, and everyone else we lost."
"How... How did he die?"
"There was a herd coming. He was trying to keep it away from Alexandria, but he got hurt. He was... Really badly hurt. Dying, probably. If we didn't have Uncle Sid, he'd have definitely died when he got home. But, anyway, he got to this massive bridge that we built, and he realised he needed to destroy it. Blow up the bridge, so the herd couldn't cross it and get to Alexandria. He blew it up while he was still on it, to save the community from the Walkers."
"That's... So brave. Insanely so."
"Part of me... All of me, would have preferred for the herd to have got us. If he hadn't tried to be a hero, he wouldn't have got hurt. He'd have got home in time, and we could have abandoned Alexandria. It's shitty, but we could have. I'd sooner Alexandria have been taken, some other people have the possibility of being spoils of war, if it meant he didn't die. And that's bad of me to think. Really bad. But I wish he hadn't been a hero. I wish he'd been selfish."
"No, I get it. If Sam had had enough insulin, maybe he'd still be here today. I'd have risked anyone's life for him to have had some. It's probably not the best karma to say if you could have, that you'd have preferred someone else to die in place of someone you love most in the world, but it is normal, I think. I'd have... Have done anything, risked anyone, if it meant Sam could be here today."
"It's shitty."
"Yeah. Yeah, it is. My mom once said kids shouldn't know the amount of loss we all have. And it is kinda horrific. But... I don't know, the think that breaks my heart the most is that my dad, and Sophie, and Samuel, that they don't get to be here right now. They'd love this life. Sophie would be, what, like twenty? Same age as your Carl. Sammy... He'd be twelve. I don't even know what a twelve year old boy is like. A normal one, that is. Toby doesn't count."
"See, you get it," Mary smiled, "you get that us kids, kids like me and you and Toby are so so so different to kids that grew up here! When I was RJ's age, I was so fucking badass. He's just a kid."
"Yeah," Jennie laughed softly, "I get that. Some kids here our age are so much weaker than us."
Mary nodded back at her, and smiled. "That was the main thing me and Carl struggled with when we moved here."
"Think our parents did too."
"My dad did. He couldn't get used to it at first." Mary commented, then went quiet and sighed. "Can I tell you something crazy? Probably stupid crazy. Like, next level stupid."
"Shoot." Jennie laughed, and Mary bit her lip nervously, then spoke up again.
"Honestly? Part of me doesn't believe it. I... I never saw the body. My dad's. Mom looked for months, years, and never found it, my Uncle Daryl too. It makes me think that he's still out there. Somewhere. He just can't get to me, can't find me. But I think he's still out there. I don't think he died. I know he probably did. But part of me thinks... Part of me knows he's looking at the same stars as I am, knowing I'm looking too. He just can't get back."