try to forget

the next 436 months

It is March 10th - a wednesday. I have to write an exam later that day. 
Shortly after i get out of bed, the first pain hits my lower abdomen, Im starting to feel dizzy.
But i cannot miss the exam so I get ready, i go to school, i write it, i go back home knowing that I could have done better if I had just been feeling good and go on about my day. 
On friday I miss the exam, better miss it than get two bad grades. 

Fast forward one week - It is Wednesday March 17th - I am in the kitchen with my family. We wanted to eat dinner together but i notice that I am nauseous and bloated. Then I get hit by pain- again - it does not surprise me, it has been happening for a week. It is a little stronger this time, but I know this is far from the end of it. I excuse myself and go to bed without dinner.

The next morning I wake up as my father comes into the room - he wants us to have breakfast together. I was already in pain when I was lying in bed, as i prepare the table I start to bleed. I go to the bathroom and then I take two pain killers - knowing they will only help for a few hours. I ask my Dad to excuse me from school - i would have had an Italian class. I eat my breakfast as the pain gets worse and worse and then I go to bed - sleep for half the day then the pain keeps me awake. 

I am crying, sobbing, weeping and memories flash by:

A gynocologist asking me wether I excercise to relieve the pain - that only makes it worse.
A gynocologist asking me wether I use heating pads, wether I drink a special tea, wether I maybe drink too much alcohol or smoke too much.
A gynocologist prescribing me a birth-control pill and another because that one didn't help.
A gynocologist saying: "I can't do anything else for you." after the last pill made my symptoms so much worse that i was puking atleast once a month. 

News Headlines saying that another woman, 8 other asian women have been killed.
Studies saying that 97% of women have been sexually assaulted before.
Videos of angry people, of scared people, of disappointed people.

I have dried tears on my face, the pain gets worse. My anger, my fear, my disappointment, my hoplessness get worse.  I try to fall asleep, next month will be the same.