Ranboo angst

"DON'T TOUCH ME!!!"

Hey, sorry for not updating in a while. I was focusing on school. I hope you're all doing alright today. Make sure you drink water today especially if you haven't already. With that, have fun reading and I love you so much.

Tw:
Markers
Blades
Self harm
Forms of being touch starved
Suicidal thoughts
Biting nails
Blood
Scratching
Injury
Bad parenting
Death
Panic attacks

Ranboo's POV:

I had always been a bundle of angst ever since I turned 10.

One day I thought it would be nice to draw on my arm with a marker. Only to discover that the itching, tingling sensation gave me satisfied an undiscovered part of myself. So like anyone, I kept doing it.

Well that's until a year later when things began to go... downhill. You see, smiles became nearly impossible for me to produce now. The issue was, there was legitimately nothing going on with me at the time. I had a family, friends, everything I ever needed. But there was a void left in my chest cavity that just could never be filled.

Like any curious pre-teen I began to search reasoning as to what the heck was going on with me. No matter the effort I put in, nothing explained it there wasn't even a solution to my problems. Or so I thought..

Fast forward to my 12th birthday, my insecurities high and self love low, I sat before the large changing room mirror. Analysing each one of my imperfections.

Thoughts spirraled through my head like dancers whom kept their eyes on me as they spoke their thoughts. Well, my thoughts.

Death is a good solution, huh?

Not exactly wrong..

Yes I know it was bad but I couldn't help it.

When he got home.

Rushing into the familiar bathroom, I rummaged through the cabinet beneath the sink before finding what I needed. Quickly, I shut the small door before glancing at the sharp glinting metal that lay in my palm. Soft glow memorizing me for a few moments, I soon take it inbetween my fingertips before slicing it against the soft flesh of my wrist.

Crimson fell upon the white surface bellow. A smile brought itself in my way as I became intriuged by what I felt. In control, that's how I felt.

Giving in to the urge, I repeated the action a couple more times before pausing. Stop, you'll bleed to death. If you're going to die at least have the dignity to die somewhere better than a small bathroom.

Mortification filled my limbs as I was called downstairs. Not bothering to clean, I decided to blame it on a scab opening back up. Surely that's believable, I'm extremely clumsy and have various injuries to prove it.

Hurrying downstairs, I met the face of my dad whom held an aggrivated expression on his face. Oh no...

Yells echoed off of the kitchen walls as the man bellowed at me.

"GOD YOU MISTAKE, CAN'T EVEN PASS A DARN CLASS. GET OUT, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOU!"

Fair enough, I am failing most of my classes but I swear I'm trying my best. It's just the fact that every word that my teachers say blurs into gibberish as my brain becomes my outlet. Yes, my memory may be terrible but that doesn't mean that thinking is bad for me. When I think hard enough, I can do anything! That's why I picture what my mother looked like. Though I'll never truly know because she's long gone as she passed during child birth. Sometimes I wonder if he'd be better if she was still here..

Time skip- he is now about like seventeen and a half.

Pulling down my dark gray sleeves to cover my secret addiction, I walk outside once more. Sunlight blares against my sensitive eyelids as I walk towards the location that was given to me.

Legs aching, hair messy, I now stood an hour later infront of my friend Jamie. He was always extremely supportive of whatever I did. Obviously I reciprocated his kindness. Afterall, I was the one who paid for his binder and testosterone.

Today however, I could tell he wasn't as calm as per usual due to a small habit he had. When Jamie got worried he tended to bite his nails often although this time you could tell by looking at his hand that he had managed to gnaw away majority of the boney material. Only leaving around half of his nail attatched to his sensitive flesh.

Hurriedly, I rushed over before handing him a fidget toy as a more healthy way to cope. Now I see, I am definitely the dad friend-

The smaller boy began to speak to me.

"Ranboo, bud, your eyebags are darker than my mind. I know you aren't alright, that's obvious from the state you're in. Plus, you've been 'cutting flowers' more often. You were getting better bubs.."

I- he noticed? No, you can't do that to him. He's hurting himself because of you. Though he's worried for me? Stop it, you can't cry in public you wimp. Suck it up like father said.

Staring blankly at the boy, I couldn't bring my muscles to move. Words refused to fall from my mouth as my heart rate quickened

"Hey, hey Ran listen to me speak. Copy my hand movements, alright?"

He said before proceeding to squeeze his thumb against his finger tips before skipping his ring finger. Focus on the activity became my priority as I began to copy his movements.

This is more difficult than you'd think actually! Inevitably, the method shown became effective as I began to pacify my beating neart so that it lulled at an average pace again.

"Good job! I'm so proud of you bubs. Now, are you comfortable talking about it or would you prefer not to?"

"I don't think I'm ready for that yet.. sorry."

Rubbing the back of my neck anxiously, I avert my eyes from the hazel eyes that lingered upon my face.

"That's okay Ran, you aren't required to do anything. If it'll make you feel better, I know you were finishing the essay due tomorrow so instead I'll finish it for you. That way you can rest for a bit. Link me it, okay?"

As soon as he spoke, he walked back into the school building with a wave before I rush after him.

After school:

Ms Gardener requested that I stay back today for a reason unknown to myself. Hopefully I don't het a detention, that'd piss off the old man badly.

Walking over to me, the middle aged woman stood before me as she leaned casually against her desk. Despite her calm manner, her expression was laced in pity.

"Kid, is there something going on at home? You can tell me."

Bringing her hand toward me, she placed her hand on my wrist. Inside, a rope that once held back my rage snapped as I yelled.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

Feet moving swiftly alone, my vision blurred as I was met with the sky. Sounds of a horn sounded in my eardrums but I didn't take notice of it. That was until the impact...

Hi again! Thank you so much for reading. I'm so glad you're here to see another day. If you need anything know that I'll do anything in my power to help you with whatever you need! I love you all so much <3