Than to Have Never Loved at All

One Acts

The following Monday the Drama Club put out the application packet for the One-Acts. They were on blue paper sitting in a neat stack on the table outside the drama classroom. Nat and I used to pick one up the first day they were put out even though we submitted everything online. "Aspirational," Nat would say before tacking it onto the wall above her bed, a reminder of what we were about to do.

I stared at the sheets while people were still milling about in the halls during homeroom. I could easily take one, no questions asked, but when I brushed my hand down the sheet, I felt a tingle of cold run up my hand. I didn't have Nat's wall to tack it too. I didn't have a plan, and if I took one now, and didn't write anything I would feel more like a failure than I already did. I bit the inside of my cheek and closed my hand into a fist. I shouldn't take one. Not yet, not until I had a solid plan.

I must have been staring too hard, and thinking too furiously because I didn't hear it when Hope sidled up next to me.

"You're writing something this year?"

I jerked and she stepped back. She tightened the straps on her backpack and stared at my hand hovering over the stack.

Yes.

No.

"Uhhh," I said

"You should," Hope was honest, if nothing else, and her tone was encouraging. She was being genuine. Dammit. "I really liked the story you wrote in Novels and Short Stories last week. I imagine a script you write would be really good."

I didn't know what to say about that. I was flustered.

"Tha-Thanks?" I said uncertainly. I tried to come up with some way to carry out this very awkward conversation and settled on, "are you writing anything?"

Hope shook her head.

"I'm on the committee now," she said. "So that would be kind of weird."

"Oh right," I said. "Congrats."

"I don't think it has anything to do with my skills." Hope smiled nervously, her blonde hair dropped in front of her face. She tucked a clump behind her ear and I stared.

Her smile dimmed. She looked guilty as she explained, "My dad's on the board, and they're breathing down Mrs. Morrow's neck about the One-Acts after last year's little incident."

"Oh." I nodded. I could still hear Mrs. Morrow's voice in the hall as she yelled down two of the board members in defense of Sosha's play.

We were all still a little scared from that fight. I remember watching Nat's eyes as we sat silently in the dressing rooms, waiting for our teacher to come back in one piece. We prayed she wasn't about to get fired for defending a script that included suicidal ideation. Apparently "mental health wasn't an appropriate topic for a high school production." Even if Sosha had written it, even if Sosha had clinical depression. Even if Sosha had worked with Hanson and Nina and the health teacher to write it. It shook the school for a week. Mrs. Morrow wasn't fired, but she was on thin ice.

We didn't perform a second show.

"My dad made Mrs. Morrow put me on the committee because he thinks I'll keep things PG." Hope chewed on her lip, looking at me meaningfully.

"I'm actually kind of glad Nat's not here to write," Hope said. Trying to make a point. "She was kind of in everyone's face about the bisexual thing, and if we're trying to fly under the radar, the last thing we need on stage is two girls kissing." She watched my face carefully, and I was starting to get the impression that what she was saying, was definitely not what she meant. Hope toed the line at school for political reasons, but I always caught her pumping her fist when Nat said something...Nat-like. I tilted my head as Hope continued.