Than to Have Never Loved at All

Finn was Mine

Por que no los dos.

Carsey was right. I had fucked up pretty spectacularly. I was an asshole for making the list and for going into the relationship only to write a good One-Act, but I wasn't an asshole for not falling in love with Clinton.

I was also an asshole for forgetting about the people I did love. I was an asshole for choosing Clinton over Finn.

I was asshole for forgetting Finn.

And maybe Nat was an asshole for ignoring us for Stephan.

I pulled out my notebook. I pulled out my chromebook. I made something just short of a wall of crazy.

And I spent the next two days writing a new One-Act.

Because, after all, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I emailed it to Finn, and then after some thought I sent a copy to Nat. Then I wrapped myself in winter clothes and walked to the Dollar Store.

I bought a whole bunch of candy, stole a nestle crunch bar by stuffing it in my bra and walked home.

At the end of a great love story I was supposed to realize that even though it started as a bet I had really fallen in love with Clinton. Or maybe I was supposed to realize my true love was the person who had been with me all along?

Maybe the person I really loved all along was Finn. And maybe it was okay that I didn't love him like that.

Finn didn't answer his phone, so I texted Keegan. They were together. Of course they were together. Keegan was the friend I hadn't been lately.

Keegan told me they were at his house, working on biology homework and thinking about a blog posts.

I asked if I could come over.

No.

But eventually,

Keegan relented.

The air was stinging cold. Winter was hitting hard and early. I borrowed my dad's car and Lei's winter hat because I couldn't find mine and I went to Keegans.

Keegan lived on the rolling green pastures outside of Allen Hills. New build suburban style houses kicked were back on acres of green rolling pastureland. Keegan's house stood out from their neighbor's pristine mansions with neat lawns. Their front garden was overgrown with the last of the fall wildflowers and there were several bird feeders, and solar panels attached to their roof. I wondered if their neighbors gave them funny looks, but then I remembered that Keegan's family didn't seem like the type of people who cared much what others thought of them, so it probably didn't matter.

Mrs. Carter met me at the front door with a deep breath and a cordial invite in. She wasn't nearly as warm as she had been at Clinton's house, but I had kind of been horrible to her so adopted son, so I didn't blame her. I took my shoes off by the door. Everything was light colored. The walls were almost silver, the floors were expensive-looking white tile. Large windows let in copious amounts of sunshine which certainly cheered up the several potted plants that thrived under Mrs. Carter's caring hands. It all looked relaxing and spacious like a yoga studio on a spaceship. I looked around quickly but then kept my head down as I followed her instructions up the stairs and to the second door on the left.

Keegan was sitting on his bed, game condoler in hand. On the floor in front of him, hair tousled up and cleaner than I had seen in days was Finn. The controller was white knuckled in his grip, held up between his bent legs. His full attention was on a large screen mounted on the far wall at my side.