Than to Have Never Loved at All

Alt Dance

It happened fast. I watched Clinton make phone calls for an hour and the next day after school the Alt Dance Committee and I helped Clinton's friends and family clean out the hall. Keegan found me as I was helping sweep cobwebs out of the rafters.

"Did you have time to turn in your script?" He grabbed the bottom of my ladder and held it steady as I stood way to high up to get the top of the ceiling.

I stretched for the last thumb of grey webbing then crawled onto a safer step on the ladder. I hadn't thought about the One-Acts since talking to Clinton the other day. It was weird how quickly my priority had shifted to giving Keegan and Finn a nice spot for their first dance, to making sure other kids like them had a place to hang out and be themselves, safely. A place for people like me.

"I hadn't thought about it," I said.

"There's still time. Our script was crap, but what you did, that was raw. It was really good." Keegan didn't mince words when he talked about writing and creative endeavors. I believed him. My face burned red from the compliment. I looked to the floor. I was covered in cobwebs and dust and dirt. We had been there for hours, and would be back again tomorrow to decorate. I would have to run around all morning to pick up snacks and food. I didn't know if I had the time or energy for it all.

"This is more important." I said. "I swallowed back the piece of me that dying from that admission. The part of me that still clung to theater and Nat.

"Josie-" I fought to turn my eyes to Keegan. "Your script matters," he said. "I'll turn it in if you don't. I have a copy."

He had Finn's copy. He went to his back pocket and reached for his phone. Someone had turned on their cell booster that morning so people could get calls, so I knew he could send it in, we still had a few hours before the application site closed.

I slid down the ladder and reach for his hand.

"C'mon. It's worth it." Keegan said. He pulled his phone from my reach.

"I won't be there for the voting." I sargued. Keegan continued to hold his phone away from me. "It's partially a popularity contest, and if I'm not even their to rep my story during the voting, it's going to lose."

Keegan shrugged.

"You lose 100% of the shots you don't take," he said. "And if something queer doesn't end up on the list, what does that say about us?" Keegan pinned me with a steely stare.

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, but I couldn't argue. I looked at his phone. My was plugged into the far wall.

"Give me your phone." I said. I snatched it from his grip and together we uploaded my story for the One-Act competition.

Saturday was the dance day, and it was just as chaotic as I had anticipated. I spent the morning in the car with Finn arguing over music and picking up cookies and cakes and brownies from across the county and beyond.

Eric and his small SUV expended a lot a gas and seven trips to get all the decorations to the hall. From the road we had to carry everything back to the hall by hand. Thankfully Rosie had gathered a crowed of excitable Freshmen and by noon we had 90% of a dance ready to go.

Clinton showed up at 1 with a woman from the non-profit who owned the land. She helped us set up the sound system and cheered us on as we raised the last of the flags. Carsey pointed out a green, black and white striped flag near the back wall for me. It was mine. Aromantic.

By four in the afternoon, we had accomplished something pretty spectacular. Eric had battled the streamers into submission. Carsey and Rosie put the final touches on the bubble machines, prisms, and crystals. They weren't perfect, nothing was, but it was beautiful nonetheless. When we dimmed the lights some of the rainbows were hard to see, but the idea was there, and I was happier than I thought I would be to see my plan come to fruition. I just wished Devin could be there to see it. The push for the new decorations was partially on him, after all.

We all had just enough time to get home, and get dressed before the dance was set to start at 7.

Finn and Keegan met me at my house after getting dressed. I had showered, but was struck on deciding what to wear. I held up three dresses I had pulled from the back of my closet. Nat wasn't around to make me look good, and if I suddenly had to cover Finn's dating questions, he would have to cover my outfit questions.

Keegan and Finn gave me twin clueless stares. I was about to flip a coin when Lei walked by my room.

"Lei-lie!" I called out. My six-year-old sister had dozens of mardi gras beads around her tiny neck and a sleeveless sundress on underneath her fluffy winter coat. "Where are you going?" I asked.

"Reid's. We have a date," she informed me, mimicking a grown-up voice.

"A date?"

"Yes, we're getting ice cream."

"And you need to dress up like a Disney princess for that?" I inquired. Lei's tiny eyes turned to slits. I surrendered. "Fine it's a date, and you're a Disney princess."

She perked up, and I held up my top two choices of dresses.

"Which one for the dance tonight?" I asked.

Lei's face contorted into a look of full horror.

"Lei!" I said. I knew she was thinking that neither dress was dance worthy, she watched too many princesses movies to think simple jersey dresses were for beautiful balls, but I was working with my closet and didn't exactly have a fairy godmother.

"Ugh. Green," Lei relented.

I tossed the green dress onto my bed and leaned over to smother her in a hug. "Thanks." I said while giving her cheek too many kisses.

When I stepped back I added, "Have fun on your date. Don't get cooties."

"I won't get cooties. Reid is too sophisticated for that."

"He's not." Finn said under his breath.

Lei looked Finn up and down with more sass in one look than I had mustered up in my entire life then looked at Keegan and said,

"You can do better."

Keegan looked shocked. Finn looked baffled, and I died laughing, but before any of us could retort Lei twirled around and sauntered off down the hall.

I hoped to god she and Reid would get married so I could tell this story at her wedding, but they were six, and there was a lot of living between six and marriage age. There was a lot of growing up between six and sixteen.

I shoed Finn and Keegan out of my room. When I finally managed to wiggle into the green dress and stuff the straps of my bra into the sides, (I didn't own a sleeveless bra) I peeked in the mirror. Something was a little different about me. A little older. My smile wasn't perfect but it was real.