Out Of The Dark

In Your Memory

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12th May

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Chapter 18

Katniss's POV

The dress is almost a perfect fit, but it would be. Cinna promised to make all the outfits for Finnick and Annie's wedding, and he did a very good job. 

The dress feels so soft as well, slipping beneath my fingers like the sea itself, and teal that seems to mimic the water. The skirt wraps tightly and then flows down over my knees, giving the effect of water as well. Clearly Cinna can make both fire and water.

I pick up the jacket from beside me, trying to cover over as many inches of skin as possible, a silent subconscious wish that nobody will stare at me.

I almost smile as I look in the mirror; as much as I suit the fire and flames, the cool water seems to calm me. It doesn't have to drown out the burning inside me, because nothing will, but it makes it steadier, not a raging inferno that cannot be tamed. Maybe it could be the one time I'm not critical of my appearance, but as soon as I stare too long the enchantment breaks, allowing me to see every flaw. My hair's still at odd lengths, the reconstructed skin looks very off and gruesome. I can see every spot on my face, the bitten nails, the chapped skin. My chest heaves whilst I force myself away from the mirror and out of the room.

Me, Peeta, Prim and Haymitch are all sharing an unoccupied house in district 4 for the duration of the wedding- somehow it seems alien to me why we're spending many days over the wedding, instead of just a single day with a few people.

The living room isn't exactly grand by Capitol standards, but very beautiful by mine. There's a black fireplace and the wall behind it has been painted blue, the other four walls painted a sort of beige-yellow colour of sand, the skirting boards painted white like sea foam.

My mind somehow registers that I'm focusing on the small things and ignoring the very large monster that's tearing at my brain, so now whenever I try to find beauty in something my brain just reminds me. I almost pray that someone will talk to me so my mind can focus on Annie and Finnick's wedding instead of some possible theory of what the Capitol could have done. Not that I'm annoyed at Peeta for telling me- I'd rather know than be kept in the dark whilst he bears a burden he doesn't need.

And then my brain wanders to Gale, almost shivering even at the thought of that name. Maybe that's why I have so much respect for Peeta. Because he respects me, tries to make me think of what I want before he decides anything. I want him to have free decisions, of course, but it's comforting that he wants me to as well. And that's what makes Gale different- he makes decisions on his own, like I do, leading to very conflicting ideals.

No- not makes. Made.

He's gone, I remind myself, he can't hurt you.

My mind stops when I hear a door squeak behind me, and I turn to see Prim behind me. The dress looks even more beautiful on her, bringing out her slight tanned olive skin, joining with her bright blue eyes. Her long blonde hair shines radiantly against a light coloured jacket. 

"What do you think?" she asks me.

I smile. "You look beautiful, little duck." She's far from little now, but I don't think I'll ever stop calling her that- my little duck. She comes up to me and wraps her arms around me, reminding me of how much she's grown; she's practically the same height as me. 

Prim giggles, a thankful reminder she's still only fourteen. "You look a lot more beautiful."

"I really don't," I say, laughing back with her as I grab a drink, "but I appreciate the compliment."

She smiles graciously back at me, turns to walk away but then spins back as an afterthought, "Oh, I think I was supposed to tell you- Haymitch and Peeta went for a walk."

"I couldn't care less about what Haymitch is doing right now, as long as it isn't drinking. But thanks."

She nods towards me, then turns again, "OH- yeah, I think we're supposed to be going to get our hair styled later or something. I've never done that before." She looks so excited, so I smile.

"You'll look even more beautiful."

Prim gives me one last smile before retreating to her room. She'll probably be reading that book again- Haymitch found some old novels in the Capitol somewhere, god knows how he got them, but he gave her a trilogy called Divergent or something, and she's become quite obsessed with it even though he only gave it her yesterday, for her birthday. She keeps talking about Factions and the number Four. One time I asked her about the main character- Tris, she's called. Prim seemed to look up to her, and I think she said that I reminded her of Tris. 

Yet there was something about her that nagged at my mind, like I'd seen a character before in reality...

Or maybe it was just my brain.

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After having my head tugged about for a seemingly excruciating length of time, my hair is arranged in a messy bun at the back of my head that I probably could have achieved by just tugging it up in a hair tie.

Prim's hair still falls in waves down her back, but some parts have been scraped together at the back into a bun that looks almost like a rose. The elaborate necesseties of weddings will never fail to almost amuse me but baffle me into why you need all this effort. Yet somehow, I'm still led into wandering mow my hair looks like I've been in a third hunger games and Prim's looks beautiful and purposefully messy.

There is a long wait before we can go into the venue, but when we get in there it's beautiful.

A few tents set up on the beach, the waves lapping behind. Rows of chairs are set up, some already occupied. I see Peeta out of the corner of my eye, wearing a bright teal jacket with a sand coloured shirt that seems an almost laughable choice compared to the women's beautiful dresses.

And then I look over to see Johanna, someone I never expected to see here. I smile at her in case she sees me, and when she does she smiles sadly back. But with Johanna brings the memories of Hazel, who I couldn't save. So I do what the doctor told me to do for once- I count the amazing things about Hazel. She put people's lives before hers, she cared so much, she helped Johanna and me through problems we had, she made people happy by just being there.

But then I hear someone in front of me, I don't quite catch everything they say, but I manage to grab onto the coils of it- "Not that woman...", "Why's she here?" And then I hear a word I very much do not like. I've only heard it once before, but it strikes something inside me, turns the flames on. And then I hear, "It's bad enough, never mind someone of that colour, I don't even know why they grieved her so much, the little-"

But nobody hears what she could have to say about Hazel and Johanna, because the next thing I know, I'm being dragged away from the woman who said it by Finnick whilst I try to claw my way at her.