Now or Never

Chapter 18: Rusty Rails

I slide my palm into the rusty railing, feeling all the crispy bits of rust stick into my palm. Car sounds swoosh in the background, rain water flying everywhere as the tires goes through the puddles. Pain engulfing my whole body.

I climbed into the rusty rails, inhaling the sea water from beneath. I hold tight from the rail behind my back, questioning God, why.

I thought about everything, I want to relive all the memories all over again, and I'll do it over and over again. But that will never work out.

I thought about mum, her laughs, when her face lit up every time she saw me, and her beautiful and comforting smile. I love my mum even though she had hurt me in the past. So did Clay.

I thought about Sapnap. Every time one of us laughs the other will follow, I smiled at the thought. Basically our laughs are contagious. When someone bullies me, Sapnap will come and save me every time, but when Sapnap was being bullied all I could do was watch and wait until the bullies leave. I wasn't the strongest and bravest, that's why nobody likes me.

And I thought about the most important person, Clay. Even from the thought it hurts so bad. The way Clay kissed me passionately, but apparently that was sadly wrong, he's not passionate about. He used me. The way Clay kisses my neck and making me moan from pleasure. The way Clay makes me happy and laugh every time, Clay was my happiness, always has been. I thought about Clay and that guy in the bedroom, making out and the guy palming Clay. I thought about the most beautiful smile I had ever seen from the man that apparently stole my heart.

I hope they're all happy that they will no longer have a burden in their back.

Some might say that I'm over reacting too much, but not even a normal person with a normal thinking would say that.

If you'd never been in a break up or losing one of your love ones, or just your pet maybe you'd never understand.

I looked beneath and saw the beautiful, beautiful deep water. It shines from the full moon above. Small waves making it look like it's wiggly. The silhouette of the pine trees from the hills drawn into the night blue skies. It looks so tempting. Everything is tempting.

I'd do this if this will make them happy and I'll do it again.

"God?" I called out from above, scanning the stars looking for nothing.

"Are you still there?" I asked.

"I am sorry for I am doing this"

"I'm sorry that I'm not strong"

"I'm stupid, worthless, and every insult that's out there"

"I'm sorry I'll be wasting my life that you gave me"

"I want to be in peace"

"No pain, just peace"

"That's all I want"

I let out a deep breath, not having a single clue that I've been holding it.

I took my phone out and goes through my messages.

"One last goodbye, wouldn't hurt" I said particularly to no one.

I opened Sapnap's and I's messages and read our conversation for the last time. I scrolled fast and stopped in a random conversation.

Sapnap: dude hurry the hell up!

You: JUST FUCKING WAIT!!!

I sadly chuckled as I remembered that day, memories plastered fresh in my brain. That's when I taught Sapnap how to ice skate. It was so funny when Sapnap lose his balance and land on his butt, and when he stands up he rub his jeans complaining that it hurts and pouting like a child.

I started to type a message, a short message. Fingers shakily dancing across the lit up screen and touching it as I click on the keyboard, hearing the satisfying click from the sound of my fingernails. Tears splash into it as I thought that this will be it. No more stepping back.

"Hi, Sapnap.. I hope you guys are happy... and also don't miss me too much... and also tell Clay i love him and that I forgive him :)... Bye! <3 love ya sap... take care"

I pressed the send button and sat on the railings. Thinking about everything for the last time again.

After minutes passed through the wonders I felt my phone buzzed. I was afraid on who it could be but I let my hands grabbed onto it and let my eyes scan through it, whilst I was reading the message. Sapnap texted me and asking where I am, he told me that he was in my house and saw the letter.

I smiled as I replied,

"The perfect last place"

I hovered my hands up above the deep water, still holding my phone, and let go of it.

I watched the lit up phone let out a small water splash as it was being consumed by the water, later on, that phone will be me. I felt my body limp and my scars stinging as a tear landed on the wide, fresh, open, deep scars. I didn't even notice that I was crying.

I didn't flinch from the pain. I liked it even though I wanted all the pain to leave me alone.

I sat there admiring how beautiful this place is, again. It has been an hour and a half since I got into this place.

I climbed up the rail and stood on top of it, letting my feet to step closer into the very edge.