I try to steady my trembling hands in a failed attempt to light up a cigarette. Fuck. I am lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not okay, haven't been okay in two years. And I've officially reached my peak.
Truth is, I can't have Mackenzie around me, can't afford to fall for her again, to make her fall for me again. But I can't keep her away either. Meeting up with her tonight was a surprise and I wasn't expecting that at all, and suddenly is like my whole world was been turned upside down. All the hurt and heartbreak I've tucked down only allowing it to escape through lyrics of my songs, suddenly got out and it made me feel vulnerable in a way I haven't felt in a long time. She does that to me. Always have done.
My dreams came true and most of my happiest moments since I left her were up on stage, when I could truly be myself but it's exhausting. This industry eats you from the inside, creates your image no caring about who you are as a person. Money, alcohol, drugs, sex, write an album, go on tour and repeat. That's your life from now on, deal with it. It was my escape after her and now, seeing Mack after all these years through her own eyes made me realize I am completely lost, that I can't recognize my own image on the mirror. But I don't know what do. Fuck, I need alcohol after all of this.
I had no intentions on saying those things to her or reminiscing old times, but I will lie if I tell you I don't want her back. I just can't, the media would kill her, this world would kill her, and I can't afford to bring more hurt to her. Also, I don't think she ever will forgive me. I fucked all up.
I watch Mackenzie's bare back move in steady breaths as she peacefully sleeps. Her face has a happy feature and she looks like she's dreaming. I place my matching necklace with a golden plectrum hanging from it, her initials inside it with the line "my heart, my music, my head, my judgment, my love" for everything she took up and I'm more than thankful for, on top of the letter I just wrote. What am I doing? She'll never forgive me. I kiss her sleeping face whispering,"love you for infinity" , and leave the room before I change my mind. Without even as much as a look back.
I am drunk. Pissed drunk. Laying on top of the bed on my hotel room, I look up at the ceiling while bringing the bottle of bourbon to my lips. After I left the roof and saw Mack was gone, I bid my friends goodbye and managed to sneak out through the club's back door to avoid paparazzi. Got to my hotel room and finished a bottle of vodka. Now we are on bourbon.
This is killing me and I have nothing left to do but scream and cry my lungs out. It brings a little relief, but the pain is still there.
I get up from the bed and walk to the piano I asked my agent to install in my bedroom, since I'm spending 7 months in this hotel room, might as well turn it into home. I start playing an aleatory melody, and suddenly the lyrics come out, of course they do, I run across the room to gather my little notebook where I keep all my lyrics and start it again,
"I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame
But the drink in my wandering hands
I wish I could take it back everything I told her, everything I did and all the hurt I brought to her eyes. Great, more inspiration.
Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back
I can't unpack the baggage you left
What am I now? What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling
What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling"
Tears burn my eyes and I gather my cellphone opening the secret file with pictures of her. My own torture method. On the last two years I came to be an actual masochist when it comes to her. So here I am, lookin at all those amazing times together and I come in to the conclusion that I am done feeling like shit, and I'm done being noble. Fuck that. I want her back and I need her back.
Maybe it's the amount of alcohol in my brain making me do this 180 turn in my thoughts and feelings But I don't fucking care. It's fucking decided. I'll get my girl back....tomorrow. After the alcohol has worn off and I can walk and talk, for now, I might sleep.
I get a total of 20 minutes nap until i hear in insensantly knock on my dor, "Steven. Steven are you in there you bastard? Open the fucking door you piece of shit", Dane's voice comes in yells across the door in between knocks.
Ahhg, he won't stop until I open it, so I gather all my last remaining strength and make my way to him.
"You look like shit", Lisa, who's standing next to Dane at the door tells me. No kidding, I'm in pain.
"Nice as always aren't you? What do you want, I can't afford to talk right now", but before I can close the door, Dane's hand hold it still as he enters my room followed by Lisa without my invitation. Fuckers. I'm Being ambushed. They are probably here to rent about how I need to stay away from Mack, blah, blah, blah, but I already know that. And I already made my mind about that.
"Okay so, cut the crap and quit the drama, you need to talk to Mack. Like, really talk, like adults, about what happened", yeah, always trust Lisa to be straightforward kids.
"Look, you and Mack alone? Two people I love with all my heart. You and her together? Destruction to yourselves and to literally everyone around you, toxic as hell, but I can't afford to see both of you depressed after the loss of each other. So quit the whole 'I need to be a bigger man, and let her have a great life without me' speech, cause she won't. Go after her" , I confess that Dane's speech shocks me to the bone since he has always been against us together, and I won't even get started on Lisa. Both of them were kind of against our engagement and both of them had a lot to say, with both words and actions, about the stupidity I did two years ago.
"I had already made my mind about that actually, and I've decided to win her back" , don't even need to say that they look at me like I'm a 2 year old who just said their few words. As if I couldn't make my mind about something important.
"Wow, you've officially grown up. Can't say I'm not proud", tells me Lisa with a skeptical face, "well, I guess my job here is done, bye jackass",
And then she just stands up and leave. That's all she wanted to say?
"Hey, If you need anything, DON'T call me", she yells before hitting the door. Dane just chuckles softly and shakes his head over that, but soon as ever he turns his features at me on the best "big brother style",before saying with a grave voice,
"Don't make a colossal mess this time"
"I don't plan on doing", I tell him, earning a quick nod.
"Okay then, show me the lyrics"
YOU ARE READING
Burning desire
RomanceMackenzie never thought she would see the face of the boy who broke her heart two years ago again, but when he's a rockstar it's hard to forget about it. One concert is all Mack and Steven need so their paths can cross again. The thing is, could th...
