Merlin Oneshots

"Kill me now, because..."

"Kill me now, because....because I'm done saving myself. I'm done." Tear tracks ran down the sharp cheekbones, dripping down the narrow pointed scruffy chin, leaving stains on the light cream colored scarf wrapped around his neck. He stared out at the water looking for a sign. Any sign, really. Something that would tell him that these last centuries he'd walked the Earth had been worth it. That there was a reason he was still here. The sun was shining high in the sky casting warm golden light over the emerging spring vegetation. Flower buds were just starting to bloom and leaves had begun to appear sharp fresh green contrasting the cold frost covered ground. All this life bursting forth with possibilities and all it did was make him feel more alone than ever.

He hadn't even clasped his coat closed before leaving his current home. He'd thrown on jeans, a faded blue jumper, and his red trainers. His dark hair had gotten long enough it was starting to curl on the ends. But no matter how much he dressed down, people would stop and stare at how beautiful he was. How young and vibrant and full of life most men his age should be. Well, his age. He appeared to be in his mid-20's, but in reality, he'd stopped keeping track of his age sometime after he reached 200. There were times he would change his appearance to that of an old man, so that no one would approach him and question the unending sadness and pain in his deep ocean-blue eyes. They would often say someone so young shouldn't be so sad. At some point in the last decade, he'd finally broken down. He'd lived thousands of years, he was sure of it by now, and he was tired of it. He wanted an end to his unnaturally long life. He'd thought that he was staying alive until he could be with the reincarnated versions of those he lost in his first life. He'd been told that they would come back when the need was greatest. Whose need? He had watched as his home had been destroyed and taken over and seen gods placed and replaced and wars waged for some religion or another. He'd done all he could to assimilate to the changing environments around him. Learned languages, been treated as a slave, hunted as a witch, and travelled to many lands he'd never dreamed of. Alone. All of it had been done alone. He couldn't even remember what it meant to be happy. To laugh. The only feeling he had now was one of suffering, pain, remorse, and guilt. No matter the situation, he'd always managed to find a way to save himself. He'd found something that he could use to push himself forward. To keep living. He sniffled in the cold air, wiping his hands across his face to clear away the tears that stubbornly clung to him.

When he realized early on that he wasn't aging, and his friends were all greying, he'd tried to end his life the first time. He had been found of course and nursed back to health, and had reassurances from his friends that they loved him and that they would all meet again one day. Even if that day was a long way off, they would see him again. He remembered the look on his lover's face, the despair and shock, and hurt at what he had done. There were many tears then, and apologies, and promises that he wouldn't try again. In his mind he had only promised not to try again while those he loved yet lived. When he was nearly 300, he guessed as he'd stopped keeping track of his age by then, he'd tried again. Instead of bleeding out, his wounds had healed themselves. Everyone he had loved, and their descendants had passed on by then. He was truly alone. The centuries started to pass in a blur. He was tired. He felt it in his bones. His heart ached. He pulled a bottle from his pocket and fingered the lid. If the world refused to take his pain away, he'd try again himself. It was a way out. Or at least he hoped it was. He was willing to try anything at this point. The lid popped off with a small noise that seemed to echo through the park and across the water of the lake he stood in front of. He'd sent each of his friends to their final resting place across this very water. No longer concerned with promises that they would return to him, no longer caring whether they would need him when they came back, he lifted the bottle to his lips and swallowed as many of the pills as he could in one go. He tossed the container in to the water. His head started to swim with either the effects of the pills, or the reality of what he had done. Suddenly, he was no longer able to keep his body upright. He sunk to his knees on the hard earth, the cold from the frost seeping through his pants. Staring unfocused at the water's surface, hoping that this time, just maybe, he could die. Hands were grabbing him from behind and laying him on the grass. Several people were hovering over him, concern and fear etched on their faces. Faces that he recognized. Faces he hadn't seen for thousands of years, but were so ingrained in his heart he knew he could never forget. He weakly raised a hand and tucked a strand of the chocolatey brown hair behind the ear of the man he once loved. He cupped the man's cheek and felt his tears start again blurring his vision. He felt himself falling asleep, effects of the pills he just took. He was glad that before he parted this world he was able to see those he loved one last time. "I've missed you all." His words slurred together and he could hear some sort of screaming sound. Someone was yelling, but he couldn't make it out. He felt himself slipping away. He'd thought that would be it. He could finally wake up in Avalon and be free of this wretched forever. This eternity of being alone.

He floated in a sort of haze for a long while. When he became aware of a horrendous ache in his head, he knew he'd failed. Again. His eyes stung with tears as he realized he was still alive. Why could he not just pass on? Why must he endure? He was confused to feel soft warm hands brushing his tears away and murmuring loving phrases to him. He slowly cracked his eyes open to see he was, indeed, in a hospital. But what struck him most was that he wasn't alone. His lover, long since dead, was cupping his face and staring lovingly at him.

"Are you real?" His husky voice came out. He reached a hand out and touched the face of the one he'd lost.

"Yes, love. I'm real. We are all real. We're here now. You're not alone anymore." He said as his own tears streamed down his face. "Please. Please never do anything like that again. You promised me that you wouldn't, remember? You promised you'd never try anything like this again." His soft brown eyes were so full of pain and grief, he was stricken that there was no way his mind could concoct that kind of emotion. He tried to sit up more, but winced as his head throbbed.

"You promise I'm not dreaming? I'm not going to wake up in an hour and realize that I'm still alone?" He was clutching the man in front of him as if he was a life raft and he was in danger of drowning.

"We promise." A man with golden hair had come forward, putting his hand on his shoulder. "We never meant to leave you alone so long."

"You should get some rest, love. We'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

"Please. Please don't leave me again." He knew he was begging and probably sounded weak, but it had been thousands of years. Thousands of years of being alone. "Gwaine." He whispered his lover's name, afraid if he said it too loud his lover would disappear again.

"Merlin." His lover whispered back. Gwaine lowered himself down on the bed next to Merlin and let him bury his face in his shoulder. Merlin wept until he fell asleep, clinging to Gwaine. Arthur stayed by his side until it was time for him to be released to go home. Gwen had taken care of speaking to the nurses and doctors so Merlin wouldn't have to. Percival, Lancelot, Elyan, and Leon hovered nearby not willing to be more than a meter or two from him. When he was well enough to be released, he led the group back to his home, never letting Gwaine far enough away that he couldn't touch him. He knew if they were all back, that something was coming. Something dark. Until then, he intended to keep his friends, no, his family, as close to him as possible. If they were back, then maybe, just maybe, he could grow old with them this time around.