Granite Odyssey II.

Granite Odyssey II:

A thrilling tale of love, loss, lust, sleep, desire, pride, envy, the other sins, and some other stuff maybe, by the Crusading Crumpet.

Not Safe for Work.

Somewhere, Between the folds of heaven and hell, exists a place where all Crumpet's unlikable traits, stupid 2am ideas and repressed "Fun facts" jerry rig themselves together to create Wankworld, the written universe that serves as proof humans should never have invented literature. It is in this realm that our odyssey takes place. Nobody in Wankworld has an amazing life, but a certain badly written character at least has an interesting one.

Disclaimer:
Alright, seeing as last time half you sods didn't read the blurb, you didn't see the disclaimer. This time, I've stuck it right where you can't ignore it. If you read this story and get stroppy, that's your own fault. This is a serious disclaimer. My writing isn't very good, but it doesn't pull punches. This shit is offensive enough I used an alias to write it. If there are any Granite Odyssey veterans reading this, welcome, my loyal friends, get ready for round two!

And so, it begins...

"Take your favourite team of superheroes. Now load their veins with heroin, give 'em outdated weapons, and make their only real power their plot armour. Boom, Tactical Weapons and Tea ."
- The Crusading Crumpet, 2020.

Chapter One:

After sixteen hours and eight near death experiences, Gastonzo had finally finished his safety inspection of the Headquarters. It was quite a simple task on paper. All he had to do was walk around the old brick building, noting anything that could be considered dangerous. The headquarters had been converted from a tea factory, modernized and up gunned. Built in Wankworld's far east, away from the city, the Headquarters was on the fringe of a huge spruce wood forest, which would have been a very relaxing location, if not for the fact that everyone lived in a tea barracks. As such, a safety inspection really shouldn't have been too dangerous. Gastonzo had been the thirteenth person to be recruited to Tactical Weapons and Tea (or, TWAT, if you're feeling artistic), for almost a year now, and the work hadn't got any easier, although this job was one of the nicer ones. The complete list of defects Gastonzo had found in the headquarters read as follows:

1: The lighting in the entrance lounge is faulty and rapidly flickers randomly when turned on.
2: The automatic doors on the second floor are rusted so badly they squeal when they open.
3: Kitchen has rats. So does rest of headquarters. Headquarters has rats.
4: Half of the landmines in the armoury armer armo weapons room are armed.
8: Sentry guns are active across entire complex.
6: This place was converted from a factory, right? All the factory shit is still here.

Gastonzo proceeded to pocket his list, push his glasses back up, and find his mentor, a mammoth of an Englishman named Renesmee who was as dodgy as he was tough. Gastonzo found him at the headquarters entrance, hanging Christmas lights from the white plaster ceiling. He walked up to the Brit like a nerd turning in homework, and held out his list. Reneesme snatched it from his hands and skimmed it with distaste. Apparently Renesmee and Gastonzo didn't agree on the definition of the word 'dangerous'.
There was a very awkward silence as Renesmee finished reading and sighed heavily. He slowly scratched his mutton chops, seemingly unresponsive to Gastonzo's list. Finally, the Englishman laughed and procured a pencil from the barrel of the blunderbuss he carried like a toy. He made some quick edits to Gastonzo's list and thrust it back to him with all the gentleness of a sodding battle axe. The 'Revised' list now read:

1: the lighting in the entrance lounge is faulty and rapidly flickers randomly when turned on.
Lighting has random seizure functionality; this keeps residents on their toes.
2: The automatic doors on the second floor are rusted so badly they squeal when they open.
Doors are equipped with high tech auditory alert device to warn you of any intruders or pirates.
3: Kitchen has rats. So does rest of headquarters. Headquarters has rats.
Building has nice rodent friends to keep you company.
4: Half of the landmines in the armoury armer armo weapons room are armed.
No they're not.
8: Sentry guns are active across entire complex, But it's okay because they're friendly.
6: this place was converted from a factory right? All the factory shit is still here.
Original architecture completely intact.