faded🍃

Trouble Don't Last🍃

Exhaustion was a feeling I knew too well. It came over me at all the worst times and refused to leave whenever i needed it to.

I hated feeling tired. I needed energy. I needed to feel something. because if i didn't, i didn't know what the fucking point in living was. And I found my self tired of just existing... isn't that fucking ironic.

Rue has this whole philosophical way of thinking. She talks a shit ton about atoms and probably about evolution and how we went from being worthless fetuses to being worthless humans who walk around messing everything up.

I liked to be straightforward. When I couldn't feel shit. I took shit that made me feel everything all at once. When I couldn't breath. It was just that; and it sucked. I couldn't concentrate on one thing at once. So i took shit for that too. And i had to take shit in secret because my cousin's a fucking addict.

I had to take a lot of shit when school came around. I felt sick to my stomach when I realized school was riding up on my ass. I felt that disgusting feeling of exhaustion that I felt every year.

Because out of all of the bullshit systems there are, i've got to deal with the fucked up school one. The system between student and student. Between student and teacher. Between student and work and either ending up in a 9-5 job or behind a dumpster.

School was such a waste of time. It took up energy just because it could. So, i did everything in my power to fight it, but now that i'm sent away. Shit's about to be a lot harder to do.

No doubt the teachers are going to get a letter, they'll find out about my previous situationship with my old teacher and there's no doubt i'll get shit for it... oops.

There isn't anything I can do about that. There isn't anything I can do when the teachers whisper about it too loud and a student overhears. There isn't shit I can do except make that rumor—that isn't really a rumor—my bitch.

I always have shit under control because i learned something.

The second you become the person in control is the second you can turn everything into an absolute shitshow. And the last time I checked that's all high school was for.

Wasting time. Gossip. And unsolicited excitement.

~
Regardless of knowing that I was going to fuck everything up, i still dreaded the next morning.

I was dreading waking up more than I had ever dreaded it before. Which was funny because there were mornings where I woke up not knowing whose bed i was in or why my head felt like it was on backwards.

I dreaded this morning especially, because I was going to have to go school. A school that's obviously shit by the way Rue describes it. She hates it entirely and I know her opinion shouldn't have too much weight on me since she hates almost everything.

But I hate a lot of things too. Especially when they don't live up to my expectations. I mean I used to attend a boarding school in New York because my parents didn't want to have me within a 2,000 mile radius as them. Which i can't complain about because it was awesome.

My parents thought if they sent me to a 5-star, all girls school I'd behave better.

They were wrong. Like they are with most things. Mainly because I wanted them to be wrong. I wanted to show them that no matter what, I'd be reckless and cause chaos, just because I can. Now seeing where that landed me, I wholeheartedly wish I hadn't fucked my math teacher.

I didn't really know why I did it, if i'm being honest. I guess everything felt too calm.

For as long as I can remember, which isn't that much, I hated calmness. I hated silence. I hated feeling like everything was up to the universe. I hated feeling tired. I wanted control. I wanted power and chaos, everything that came with being wide awake. I needed it.

Right before everything went completely wrong in my life i had my chaotic yin. My calm trouble maker. Who lit fires in silence and slept when everything burnt away. My other half who taught me how to live right before she died.

See, I believe in dualism. Now, I don't think everything is black and white, but i seem to attract everything opposite of me. While I was everything wrong in the world my sister was everything right.

We worked together. And ever since I've worked by myself, shit seems to go in the wrong direction. So folks I guess I'm trying to say. If you're a yang find your yin before you blow up the world... unless you're like me and that's you're intention.
~
"I am very happy for you Jayla, you're about to start a brand new chapter." My aunt Leslie brought me out of my zone. I just smiled at her before looking back at my breakfast. I hated not having my phone. I hated not having someone to talk to without having my conversation listened to.

The only person I could talk to without getting censored was myself and my mind tends to say some pretty fucked up stuff if I can't monitor it myself. Isn't that shit just hilarious.

"Did you see that video of the beauty queen who got acid thrown in her face?" Gia asked Rue, who had just walked out of our room. I laughed before poking at my cereal a couple of times watching as it became soggy.

"Mm what uh no." Rue replied dryly before walking over to the bathroom. Every morning Rue did the same ritual over and over again. She walks out to the kitchen, asks for something in the bathroom. This morning was 'tampons', even though usually she just says she needs to take a piss.

Then she coughs, takes a couple of her mom's pills, flushes the toilet, rubs her parents' picture that's on top of the toilet for some reason and completely neglects her first meal of the day. "Alright guys let's roll." Rue told us before putting on her sunglasses.

"Rue, did you eat breakfast?!" Leslie yelled right as her daughters walked out the door. I always sort of feel bad for my aunt. She seems to actually give a fuck about her children which is admirable even though it's the bare minimum.

While we walked to the bus stop Gia asked the question we were all wondering. "What's with the glasses." It's a bit corny. I mean I knew she couldn't be high to the point that it'd show, not at 7 in the morning. She may be an addict but she isn't that addicted. Hopefully.

"What sunglasses?" Rue laughed weakly. Gia followed suit laughing shortly at her sister's terrible response. I just narrowed down the possible pills she took this morning. I'm guessing she popped a couple xannies.

  As we made it to the back of the bus I sat on the seat to the left of my cousins where they took selfies, Gia begged me to be a part of them and eventually i gave in, but that didn't change the fact that i wished i was anywhere but there.

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A/N
Alright yall I'm back.
So enjoy it bc my mind feels like goo but I wanna give content this summer <3 and I decided I wanna make it in Jayla's pov all the time ig