faded🍃

caught up🍃

Although each of my family members have a different way of grieving.

We all grieve; hoping to move past soul shattering loss. Some methods just happen to be less fucked up than the other.

I remember the day after my sister died. I ran away. I ran until I didn't know where else to go or what to do. I was fine with it too. I liked the fact that it would take my parents a long time to find me if they wanted to.

I wanted to punish them for being shitty parents and in a way I wanted to punish myself too. So I ran even when my lungs burned and my throat was dry, I kept thinking going until my legs gave out. Because if i had been there, it would've been me.

I wish it would've been me. If I would've been there maybe that dickhead would have shot me. Maybe he would've pussied out because he didn't want a witness. Maybe he would've killed us both. If that happened, then at least we'd both be floating in nothingness together.

And because i ached for nothingness. I ached for the feeling to float and be in outer space. I partied and took every substance possible. I didn't care about the consequence. All i cared about was feeling close enough to her.

The farther from Earth I got, the closer I was to her. And I hated the feeling I got when I fell back to Earth. It felt like falling right on my ass.

Sometimes it was worse. And i felt like I fell right on my back. Like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe. I hated when I couldn't breathe and when it felt like my heart had to work extra hard. When every single fucking organ had to work extra hard before they just gave up.

There's truly only two seconds of nothingness. And I can't tell you how much I longed for them. It's all I ever wanted.

In New York, i didn't feel like an addict. I just felt like every other broken bitch who needed to feel something— anything— to make themselves feel less shitty.

I didn't want to stop until I heard Rue was going to spend her summer in Rehab. Gia had called me. She didn't want to talk to anyone else and she didn't feel like pouring her shit onto her mom.

I guess it was easier for her to talk to me since we were sort of in the same boat. I held my sister while she bled out underneath me and she saw her sister almost die from an OD.

I couldn't talk to her about how I felt. Even if she felt like we were in the same boat, if we were being honest with each other, I felt like we weren't even in the same ocean. But I knew I could help her and that was all that mattered.

After a week of Gia crying on the phone with me, I found myself using less and less. I knew it didn't really count for shit, but it was still something.

Now i'm falling back into it, which sucks, but a bitch tried.
~
Sitting on the bus, my phone gets a notification that I know too well. My eyes widened slightly and I made sure that my cousins were occupied with whatever they where doing so they wouldn't be nosey.

Hey, I've missed you baby. Don't you miss me too?

Sighing, I chew on my lip. I probably shouldn't interact with him, especially now that he's so close...

But then again, there was always something to gain whenever I gave him a little bit of attention.

As we pull into the school I realize I should probably make my decision sooner than later.

How could I not? You always take care of me.

I text back with a blank face knowing that'll boost his ego. I could just imagine the smug smirk pasting itself on his face as I watched the bottom corner of my phone say 'read'.

I'm glad that you know.

Huffing in disbelief, I'm surprised he contained himself. Sending a message without...

Send me a pic to show how much you missed me.

The front of the bus started to walk off. Rue and Gia's attention coming off of there phones, so I tuck mine inside my pocket.

I walk off the bus, grimacing as the outside of the school comes into my full view.

Gia walks off after kissing my cheek and saying goodbye to her sister just as I feel my phone vibrate on my ass.

Running my tongue over my teeth, I sigh at his impatience.

Rue doesn't give me any attention so I pull out my phone and check that he leaves a singular question mark.

Shouldn't you show me just how much you missed me first? You brought it up.

Not even a minute later I get a notification from cashapp.

$500.

Missed you a fucking lot. Buy something nice to wear and take a picture for me.

I blow a breath out and shake my head with a laugh, tucking my phone into my pocket again.

————
A/N
it's been a while ^_^ but WE GOT 5k reads mf
This is kind of like a filler chapter but she's gna hang w fez soon so 😆🙏
If y'all keep reading and letting me know that you actually like this shit then I might gain some motivation to write even though school is beating my ass :)