What Goes Around Comes Around

What Goes

I let out a scream and kicked my tire. I couldn't believe Spencer would do that to me. I was absolutely humiliated. Why couldn't he have just talked to me on his own? That would have been bad enough, but I would be able to handle that much. But he brought the whole team in on it. And even worse, I was afraid that now, Spencer would want to leave me. I wouldn't blame him, of course. I'd been preparing myself for that since the day I kissed him the first time. I knew he probably wouldn't want a trans man.

I sat down on the sidewalk and let out a loud sob. I was in no condition to drive. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and turn invisible. After a few minutes, I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Emily.

"So you got the short straw, huh?" I asked, wiping my nose.

"I volunteered, actually," she said, joining me on the sidewalk. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Jordan, I'm so sorry. We didn't know."

"Of course you didn't know," I told her. "I didn't want you to know." She nodded understandingly and waited for me to continue. "Before I moved here, everybody knew. Everybody knew, and everybody hated me. I got beat up daily. I got death threats. The school didn't do anything about it."

"That's terrible," Emily sighed.

"Yeah, it was."

"Listen," she said. "If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I know Spencer might not be your favorite person right now-"

"You're right," I cut her off. "He's not. I mean, how did he think this was going to go? Do you know what he told me we were going to do tonight? He said we were going to dinner. Imagine expecting to go to dinner and instead being forced out of the closet!" I threw my hands up in defeat.

"He meant well," Emily said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "He cares about you a lot, much more than you know."

I rolled my eyes.

"There are much better ways of showing it."

"I know. Come here. You need a hug."

She was right. I did. Emily held me tight for a long time until I had cried myself out, and then she drove me home.

~

The next day, I woke up to several texts and missed calls from Spencer.

Spence: Jordan, I'm so incredibly sorry. I had no idea. I wish I could go back in time and change all of it.
Spence: Please answer my calls. I hated seeing you like that.
Spence: I'm worried about you. Please at least let me know you're okay.
Spence: I know I messed up.
Spence: I'm sorry.

I groaned and locked my phone. I wasn't ready to talk to Spencer yet. If I was being perfectly honest, I wasn't ready to go to work, but I knew that I had to, so I forced myself to get out of bed and into the shower.

I turned the heat up as high as possible, desperate for the water to wash away all of the events from the night before. I scrubbed at my skin harder and harder and harder until it was practically raw. Once I was thoroughly satisfied with my destructive shower, I quickly dried off, brushed my teeth, and got dressed. I didn't even have an appetite. I turned my favorite playlist on shuffle as I drove, and when Sweater Weather came on, I skipped to the next song.

As I entered the bullpen, everyone tried not to look away from me. I kept my head down as I made a beeline for Hotch's office. I gently knocked on the open door, and Hotch motioned for me to come inside and shut the door.

"Hi, Sir," I greeted him as I sat down. "I wanted to apologize for my behavior last night. It was unprofessional, and it won't happen again."

"I completely understand your reaction, Hawthorne," he replied. "I'm sorry if you believe that we crossed a line. Reid was concerned, and given the evidence he presented, I was too, if I'm being honest." I started to speak, but he cut me off, reading my mind. "No, this development will not be affecting your work. I know that you are a perfectly capable agent, and matter what you-" he cleared his throat, "have in your pants, or if you have to take extra hormones, you're still an asset to this team."