Be There Still [ ON-GOING ]

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D E M I E L L E

"SIP some, Demi." My Mom offered to me this freshly-brewed blue turnate tea which is abundant in her backyard garden. She was taught by a friend of her that legumes like blue turnate alleviates stress. Pinaghahanda ako araw-araw ni Mama ng tsaang purong natural at walang halong kemikal. I became addicted with the aroma and the after-taste of it but I don't know if it really works in blocking sudden enxiety.

"Hindi, Ma. Iinumin ko 'to lahat."

Since I had enough stock of beta-blockers around me, I decided to keep an experience of being a normal person out there. Minsan lang naman ako mag-commute sa isang buwan, gusto ko rin maging normal na high schooler na bumabyahe mag-isa ng ilang minuto o oras para makapag-aral.

At first, my Mom hesitated to let me enjoy the venture after I told her what happened to me the past week. I shivered in coldness going home dahil basing-basa ako ng ulan. My Mom saw me through the kitchen window and ran for me outside the door. "Napano ka? Anong nangyari?" Bakas ang pag-aalala sa mga mukha niya.

Sorry Mom, I failed in carrying myself alone and making you worried 'bout me all of your life.

She hugged me like no one else in the world can. Iba talaga magmahal ang mga ina.

I told everything and she immediately called my therapist for help. Palaisipan pa rin para kay Miss Cruz ang nangyari sa akin kamakailan lang, and she said that she's working on it with her other co-therapists.

Kinuha ko ang aking bag at mga libro sa kwarto ko when I saw a familiar face who's never tired to look at me back in the days.

"Alis na'ko, Pa..." Holding his photo frame recalls the memories we had with him. He's the hope of my Mom when everything turns unfortunate. He's the man I look for when I sometimes feel like the world is not favorable to me. He died because of a tumor. Kita ko ang pagkadurog ni Mama no'ng matagpuan namin si Papa sa hospital bed na wala nang hininga, nakapikit habang-buhay.

Nilagay ko ang photo frame niya sa side cabinet ko at nakita ang mga regalong nakasabit sa dingding ng kwarto, mga collection ng gitara. Music had been a big part of his life mula no'ng binata pa lang siya, a backstory of how he and Mom met at a bar to where he works before I was planned to be born.

He promised to teach me how to play guitar when I grow up, but I'll never be dahil kasama ng pagkalibing sa kanya sa kanyang huling hantungan ay ang pakabaon ng kanyang mga pangako. He'll be forever in my heart.

***

Pag-apak ko pa lang sa balwarte ng campus ay may naramdaman na agad akong kakaiba.

Why is everyone not wearing complete uniforms?

Tama naman ang pagkakatanda ko dahil hindi civilian day ngayon.

"Demielle Garzon!" I was shot in the eardrums when the school's P.E. coordinator shouted at me. "Why are you wearing uniform? Where's your strand shirt?" Strand shirt? For what? May event? "I bet you didn't know, you were excused that time. Today is the start of the school's Intramurals Week."

I wasn't informed.

"Here." He handed me the box filled with different sport balls. "Dalhin mo sa coliseum right away. Oh right, you are exempted to wear uniform, you're not allowed to join activities anyway." Frick, I was insulted there low-key. Pero kalma lang, I have to be invisible in the public eye. That is the goal, and I think it works pretty well. I hurriedly go to our room and left my bag in there.

Half of the day was spent just by walking back and forth, carrying stuffs such as water bottles and foldable chairs, watch games kahit hindi naman ako interesado. Para lang sa attendance, mahirap na mapagalitan. Sa dinami-daming tao sa coliseum, alam kong hindi naman ako mapapansin. I was sitting, watching basketball when boredom hit me and decided to leave the crowd para magpa-library na lang.