Be There Still [ ON-GOING ]

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D E M I E L L E

I didn’t realized that upon reaching my vision to be a normal human is the surrounding I had slowly being shattered. Levi came into my life out of nowhere, a sight of possibility to become healed. But after accepting him, Levi experienced danger around me, near me and with me. Is everything a sign of healing? Or just a series of threats between us two? Nang dahil sa’kin ay napapadalas na siya sa gulo where in fact, he’s the type of person who’s unsociable and uninterested of the public. I guess, it was my fault to change him, to interrupt his quiet life because of me.

Is it even possible for me to recover to this illness I have? Or Levi was just an exception? If he is, I have to go far from him because his life will probably be in danger again. It’s unfair for him to carry my burden, so I think the time we spent together is already enough.

Somehow, he made me feel like I’m normal like the others.

But sadly, that feeling ends now.

Hindi ko akalaing masasanay ako sa tuwing papasok ako ng school gate at malalamang may naghihinay sa akin mula sa malayo. Hindi ko akalaing may makakasabay ako tuwing pupunta ako sa library. Hindi ko inaasahang makakapunta ako sa ball kung hindi dahil sa kanya, at hindi ko inaakalang sasaya ako sa piling niya.

Maraming nagbago, pati kung sino ako ngayon. Hindi pa rin pala huli ang lahat para ngumiti at maging malaya, ngunit hindi ko dapat makalimutan na may katapusan pala lahat.

Change is contant, paulit-ulit ngunit masakit pa rin. Change is painful, because sometimes, we don’t want to change anything, but we have to change in order not to affect everything.

He’s impossible not to acknowledge, he’s noticeable in my eye. Namumukod-tangi siya sa madla, kaya nahihirapan akong umiwas. He’s there, waiting for me. I tried my best not to look at him directly and turned the other way para hindi niya ako makita.

And I succeeded, a success not worth celebrating. It’s somehow true, not all success bought happiness. I walked straight and look only at one direction, pero hindi ko maiwasang lumingon.

I turned back, and he was already gone. Nakakapanghina.

What was the point of turning back, Demi? To tell yourself na pinagsisihan mong umiwas ka?

Pinilit kong ilabas sa utak ko ang mga nangyari upang makapag-focus sa klase ngunit kusa itong binabalik ng puso ko pataas. It showed how much of my organs affected me because of what I did earlier. Pero dahil ayokong may mga taong madamay ay kailangan kong danasin ang pagsisisi araw-araw. Hindi pala lahat ng pagsisisi nasa huli, yung iba nasa kasalukuyan at magpapatuloy hanggang sa huli.

“Notes.” Josh handed me his notebook, hindi ko naalintanang tapos na pala ang klase.

“I have mine here, may naisulat naman ako.” I replied back. Bakas sa mukha nito ang mga pasa buhat ng suntok sa kanya ni Levi kahapon. “What really happened yesterday?” I shifted the talk, napatingin naman ito sa malayo habang nakapamulsa’t nakasandal sa pader malapit sa’kin.

“He deserved it.” He spoke that made my brows lift up.

“Bakit mo ginawa yo’n? Nananadya ka ba?” I raised my voice a bit dahil nararamdaman ko na ang kulo ng dugo ko. “Clean your frame, clean your name.”

“Akala mo kung sino, eh bagong salta lang naman siya dito.” Dagdag niya pa. “Fix your attitude, tsk, he better fix his rudeness or I’ll cut his throat.”

“You’re the one who’s rude here. He’s right, you have to fix your attitude. Something is wrong with you already.” I stood up, planning to leave the room.