Be There Still [ ON-GOING ]

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D E M I E L L E

IT took time before I mastered up the courage to tell him this thing. And for him to accept it all like nothing, was unexpected. I always tell to myself that he'll avoid me after uttering those confessions, but he isn't. He listened and accepted it whole-heartedly. I cried so much because of joy dahil sa wakas ay may napaglabasaan ako ng aking sama ng loob. Hindi ko kayang sabihin kay Mama ang mga hinanakit ko dahil ayokong madagdagan pa ang mga iisipin niya, dahil kahit hindi ko man sabihin ay napapansin kong nahihirapan pa rin siyang ipagpatuloy ang buhay magmula no'ng nawala si Dad.

"Demi, everything will be okay." Those words of him comforted me, I can feel that he's a gentleman. It feels surreal for my body to be completely fine with him. It was also the time to test everything so I took a beta-blocker a bit earlier nang sa gano'n ay mawala ang epekto nito pagsapit ng gabi. And my senses never failed me, he's truly different from the others.

Few minutes passed and we saw ourselves walking on the streets in the middle of the night. Bukas ang mga kainan, stores, at active ang night life.

"The first time we met, wala ka bang beta-blockers no'n?" He opened the conversation.

"Wala." Short and direct to the point response of mine.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin agad?"

"Back then I wasn't sure of everything. Baka nagkatalo lang ang katawan at ang nararamdaman ko, but we met again the second time around so it came to my senses to search you. And besides, were strangers."

"But not this time around right?" That statement made me look at him. "Wait, I'll buy something." And I nodded. Buti na lang at may binili siya, because that stare coming from him feels weird. I'm not saying that it's bad, it's just hits different.

Naupo naman ako sa bench malapit sa puno, segundo lamang ang lumipas nang nakita ng aking mga mata ang paglabas niya sa pinto ng naturang drugstore.

"Here." He offered me seven packs of tissue, again, seven. Magkakaibang brands na, mamahalin pa, like wow. "Hindi ko kasi alam kung saang brands d'yan ang ginagamit mo kaya binili ko na lang lahat."

"Hindi, okay lang ako."

"I insist." He handed me the plastic bag containing those, "We're not strangers anymore." Then he smiled. Little did I know, nakatingi na rin pala ako.

We continued to walk until he asked something, "Malapit na tayo sa bus station niyo, nakainom ka na ba ng gamot?" Muntik ko na nga makalimutan. I immediately looked for my tablet container in my pocket and took one.

"Sakay na'ko."

"Ingat ka."

He walked with me in the middle of the streets in the beauty of the night. He made me feel like I'm a normal person. Sa wakas, I've felt how to be normal again kahit hindi man matagal. Sana ganito na lang palagi, sana okay lang ako palagi.

Pumasok ako ng pinto ng aming bahay na may ngiti sa labi. I need to tell Mom everything. I went to the kitchen but I never saw her, maybe she's sleeping now. Climbing up the stairs, I heard something. Nanggagaling sa kwarto niya ang ingay kaya unti-unti akong nagtago sa likod ng pader ng kwarto. I sneak a centimeter and saw what was happened.

"Hindi ko kayang makita ang anak nating nahihirapan, mahal." Hikbi niya habang hawak-hawak ang litrato ni Dad. "Hindi niya masabi pero alam kong ayaw na niya maghirap dahil anak natin siya, ramdam ko ang hirap niya bilang ina niya..." Ni minsan hindi ko nakitang umiyak ang Mama ko nang gano'n kalakas. "Mahal, bigyan mo'ko ng lakas para gabayan siya. Mahal..." Masakit para sa mga anak na makita ang mga magulang nila na umiiyak, pero walang tumbas 'ata 'yon sa hirap ng mga magulang kapag nakita nilang mga anak nila mismo ang nahihirapan. Pinigilan ko ang pag-iyak ngunit hindi ko kaya. I made myself silent for not to bother her, dahil alam kong nakakagaan kapag nilabas ang hinanakit. Kahit man lang sa letrato ni Dad ay nailabas niya lahat. She's suffering with me, na dapat ay hindi naman. Mom doesn't deserve this, she deserves better than the best of life.