Be There Still [ ON-GOING ]

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L E V I

“Thank God, the accident wasn’t televised.” Tito Richard said while biting the nail of his index finger, Dad said that it’s his habit when he’s tensed. “Malalagot ako sa Dad mo sakaling malaman niya ang balitang may nangyari sa’yo! Grabe ang pag-iingat niya sa’yo simula no’ng bata ka pa lang.” His hands are obviously shaking. It can be seen from afar. “Ano bang nangyari?” sambit niya sabay upo sa kanyang swivel chair mula sa pagkakatayo.

“Muntik lang naman akong mabangga ng kotse, Tito.” Kalmado kong sagot na parang ikinakulo pa lalo ng dugo niya.

“Lang? God, Levi! It will kill you kung hindi ka niya nakita nang masinsinan sa daan, you kid!”

“Sorry, it was my fault. I tied one of my shoelace that distracted me to notice the traffic lights as they went red.” I uttered, “But the driver was caught over speeding according to the investigations of the police. If the driver drove way slower than what it actually did, baka nahabol ko pa ang sarili kong makaabot sa endlane.” I took the time to tell the situation. “But I didn’t came here because of that.” Sabi ko na ikinatingin naman niya sa akin. “Something way dangerous happened to me, it was another attack.”

Napatayo siya at nagtungo sa isang cabinet kung saan nakatago doon ang mga files ng mga clients niya. I bet he looked for mine in it. He found mine and told me to start spitting the experiences I’ve felt that time.

It was a different feeling of attack to me. The moment I saw the car approaching, I knew it has something to do with me. Dahil malayo pa lang ang kotse ay bigla na akong inatake the moment I saw it. The headaches went stronger than before.

And then I saw some flashes at the back of my mind.

Did I… saw this somewhere?

It was vivid, but I’m not sure.

I saw the younger me.

Was all just a hallucination? Or just plain thoughts? Because it feels so real, like it happened to me before. That moment I knew, I wasn’t traumatized by what happened during the accident, but it was the moment after I saw the car was approaching me.

Malakas ang kutob ko… na nangyari na ‘to dati.

I was ready to tell him everything when an idea of mine came out of nowhere. What if coincidence lang ang nangyari?

“I’m… I’m not so sure, Tito. Maybe it was just a common attack, but was executed into another scene.” I said.

“Levi, tell me what happened. Small details matters.”

“A headache, stronger that before. Maybe it was a shock coming from the accident.” Pero malakas ang kutob ko na dahil talaga ‘yon sa nakita kong image the moment the car was approaching to me. Was it just an image? Or a forgotten memory? I don’t know, damn this life. I wasn’t sure of it, so I decided not to utter those words for now. “I was just overthinking, akala ko mamamatay na’ko sa aksidente.” I said that made him worried.

“That’s why you have to be extra careful of yourself and the people that surrounds you. And please, try to avoid overthinking okay? It gives you headaches that are sometimes unbearable.” He threw something in the air and it landed on my palms. “Take that, one tablet every attack. I should’ve gave you that earlier.” He explained further. “Acetaminophen, drug that helps you relieve head pains.”

Thank God, I need this.

“But remember, it’s not a cure. We have to find more clues to your illness, Levi. We’ll never know, too much of that may harm you because your illness is not specific enough to provide you the treatments that you really need.” I was about to go out of the clinic when he uttered something. “Oh, by the way.” Rason para mapalingon ako. “Keep this.” He handed me a small journal. “It may look like a piece of shit, but I think you need it.” Napangisi ako nang ‘di inaasahan dahil sa sinabi niya. “Write something on it, okay.”